"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

 Today, I am thinking about the recent announcement by the city of Fresno that they have released a request for qualifications to “solicit interest in building a citywide ultrahigh speed fiber/wireless network”. Reading this announcement helped highlight for me how things can take a long time to come to fruition, that we may have to be patient to see the results of our efforts, or even have faith that they will make a difference in ways we will never see.

I’m excited about the potential for this new effort to help us by fostering the creation of better jobs and careers for people in our region, and to improve other aspects of life for those living in California’s Central Valley. I am also interested in how we can make these benefits available to those who are currently under-served within the city and extend better communications networks, and the benefits they can support, to people and communities throughout the region.

I hope the current effort will be a great success. We tried to accomplish something similar more than ten years ago, but the time was not yet right. I remember working with Fresno Mayor Ashley Swearingen, who was then leading the Fresno State Office of Community and Economic Development, on the Fresno Collaborative Regional Initiative (CRI) fifteen years ago when one of our goals was a similar enhancement in local network capabilities.

The president of Fresno State at that time, John Welty, helped bring us all together at Wuksachi in Sequoia National Park in September 2001 to envision a brighter future for the Central Valley and to begin the gap analysis that would allow us to define plans to achieve that vision. One of the five task forces we formed focused on technology infrastructure. The rationale for that group was:

"Without a first class telecommunications infrastructure, our community cannot succeed in the global economy. New and developing technology offers us an opportunity to level old barriers to prosperity—geography, language, time and educational attainment."

I was glad to have the opportunity to serve on, and chair, the Technology Infrastructure task force and a similar effort with the Fresno Regional Jobs Initiative (RJI) that grew out of the CRI. By 2005, the work of these task forces lead to our Central California Broadband (CCB) Project Team releasing of a Request for Proposal for the Fresno-Clovis Metropolitan Area Network (MAN) Project. At that time, we worked to secure support and collaboration from incumbent providers including SBC and Comcast but we were not entirely successful.

Ultimately, we were unable to move forward with the grand vision to deliver enhanced network services for our region, but I believe the collaboration between local governments, educational institutions, and private sector partners helped the region move our technology infrastructure forward in a number of other ways. Perhaps that work has helped pave the way for the effort announced earlier this month.

In our earlier work, we had hoped that improved network services would allow for innovations in education, medical care, community engagement, and communication. In announcing their RFQ, the City of Fresno sees these services  “lowering business costs, attracting and retaining highly skilled residents, and creating sustainable new jobs in an entrepreneurial economy based on innovation and creativity.” They also believe that the enhanced network will” “expand opportunities for local students in K–12 and beyond, and enable more open government and civic engagement.”

I hope we can achieve these benefits. I've often wondered what we could have done as a city and region had we succeeded in our earlier efforts to improve our technology infrastructure. I do hope this current effort succeeds and helps drive innovation and prosperity for our region. I’ll be very interested to see how the incumbent providers respond and how their responses differ from those we received in 2005.

I’ve learned that, while it can take a long time for our efforts to bear fruit, it’s worth the effort to try. Even when we do not succeed in our stated goals, the commitment to doing what is right, with love, changes the way we interact with others in our community and can allow for other kinds of progress. I remember being asked to chair the task force, wanting to accept, and pausing to consider whether I’d have support from the university to do this work. Dr. Welty was sitting next to me and said, “Are you hesitating? The answer is yes!” With his clear support, I gladly accepted the role. His words have come back to me often throughout my career and I’ve never regretted agreeing to work for positive change. The effort has always been worth it, and you never know when the time might be right to change the world. May the time be right for this new effort today!

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear not absence of fear, except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say that it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea: incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.” – Mark Twain

Today, I am enjoying wandering the Southwest with my beloved Sue and relaxing surrounded by nature, wilderness, and the history and culture of this place. While we are away I'm sharing some thoughts from late last week about something I seldom talk about with my colleagues at work.

As I approach retirement, I am aware that I have mixed feelings. I am eagerly looking forward to this next chapter in my life. There are times when I feel impatient to see these remaining months pass. As excited as I am to begin, I'm also uncertain about the unknown. I think retirement will be great, but don't really know what to expect.

One of the feelings I am often aware of is fear of failing before I cross the finish line. It’s been a long run and I’ve made it this far, though there have been some uphill stretches, obstacles to overcome, and bumps in the road. I’m pretty confident that I’ll manage to run through the tape at the finish line proud of what I’ve accomplished. Still there’s this nagging doubt.

There are several aspects to the fear I feel as there is more one way to fail. I fear having a physical or medical issue before I reach retirement. Finding the emotionally challenges of an often stressful job too difficult. Letting something slip mentally or failing to deliver the results expected of me professionally as a leader and manager.

The biggest source of my uneasiness is stress. There was a period almost three years ago when a stress-related illness took me out of the race for months and prevented me from being back up to speed for almost a year. This experience taught me a lesson and I hope I’ve learned it well. My job remains stressful and I’ve made changes to help myself stay healthy. Still, I admit I’ll be happy to move on to less stressful pursuits!

Stress and the other challenges of the work I do are my main concerns with relation to the fear of failing emotionally or mentally, too. When there are many competing demands for my time, and I am juggling priorities, the risk of forgetting, making a poor decision, or responding to the emotional pressures in a less than helpful way is greatest. We all make little mistakes. I just don't want to make any big ones. 

I find meditation, mindful moments, and my version of prayer helpful in managing this risk. This is also where other techniques I've written about are most helpful. I remember to take time to write to friends, or a moment to use a picture or one of the rocks in my “desktop rock garden” to remind me of a happy and peaceful time.

In this last year of my career working full time in IT, I’ve also taken on new challenges and I am trying to deliver meaningful results as I work with colleagues to improve the services we deliver to our campus community. During my years as a manager, I’ve learned most of what I know about this work by the seat of my pants, or from my time volunteering at SHARE. I’ve managed to keep at least one step ahead of the Peter Principle so far and I’m doing my best to keep it that way. I hope to keep making meaningful contributions to the work we do together and not to fall short before I complete my time.

The time away that we are enjoying right now is bound to help with all these concerns of mine. Ultimately, I work to afford time with my loved ones and to allow us to enjoy the life we share. I know that keeping my priorities in order and giving my energy to what matters most will help me find the best balance in my life.

I can almost see that finish line highlighted in a beam of sunlight up ahead. Sometimes it feels like I’m running downhill with a fresh breeze in my face. Sometimes it feels like there are still some hills to climb. I come closer to my goal with each passing day and I look forward to smiling with my loved ones when the race is over. I imagine I’ll get some rest, have some fun, and look for new ways to make a difference.

"Spend exactly all your time making the most of what you have and exactly none of your time whining about what you don't have." - Alan Doyle in "Where I Belong"

Lately, work has been pretty demanding and it often seems there is more that must be done than there is time to do. This is not an unusual circumstance for me, and I believe it’s not unusual for many others. There are various ways we try to deal with times like these. Setting priorities. Working harder, or working extra hours. Seeking clarification that all the work must be done in hopes that we will discover something that we can take off the list.

Another common approach to dealing with our workload is to delegate work to others. This is an everyday and appropriate way of managing work and one obvious choice for dealing with situations where we have more work than we can handle ourselves. As simple as this is in principle, I’ve found delegating work to be one of the more difficult things to get right in my career.

There are various reasons why I find delegating difficult to do well. Today, I’ll describe these and what I’ve tried to do as I’ve worked to overcome them. The issues I deal with seem to fit into two categories. Either I hesitate to delegate because I am not sure of those I would give the work to, or because I don’t want to amplify their own challenges of dealing with of a demanding workload and needing to take steps to manage this.

I struggled more with a lack of confidence in those I could delegate to earlier in my career as I made the shift from being a technician to supervising and managing.  It was hard for me to delegate work that I knew I could do faster or better myself. I moved from being the most senior, experienced, and skilled member of a team of systems programmers and systems administrators, to the role of working supervisor of that team.

I needed to recognize that not every task needed my level of skill and speed. To replace my expectations of speed and quality with the actual requirements of the task at hand. If the team was to keep up with work we needed to accomplish, I couldn’t let myself become a bottleneck. I learned to set appropriate expectations for deadlines and results, and to recognize that delegating challenging work was one of the better ways to help others develop technical, and time management, skills.

Overcoming my reluctance to burden others with more work has been harder. During most of my career, I’ve worked in environments where capacity has been a significant issue. We tend to be in “react mode” too much of the time, and to have little time for the more strategic activities involved in establishing really effective priorities. Everyone is busy, including me, and I hesitate to add to the load of others who are already scrambling to keep up with the tasks at hand.

Here, I’ve had to learn how to work with those I delegate to so that we can build effective partnerships that allow me to delegate, them to accept new tasks, and us to negotiate acceptable deadlines and other expectations. I’ve also had to learn how to value my own time and the importance of my having time to play my part effectively if the team is to achieve the best results. Of course, I’ve had work delegated to me constantly by the vice presidents and CIO I’ve worked for, and that adds to my need to manage my time and resources effectively!

The process of delegating takes time, too, and I have to make time to do this effectively. Communicating clearly what needs to be done, and by when, and negotiating the deadlines and expectations, all take time. I’ve tended to wait too long to delegate, due to the reluctance I describe above, and this can add to the difficulty. I’ve needed to learn that by delegating sooner, I give those I delegate to a better chance to meet the real requirements of each task.

The need to follow up to ensure work is completed has also been an ongoing time challenge for me. As much as I wish I could establish clear expectations and rely on these being met, that is often not the case. Rather than assume work will be done on time and as expected, it’s been important to follow up. Those I delegate to face the need to respond to system outages, user requests, and other challenges. Communicating and coordinating with them is necessary for our shared success.

I’ve needed to learn how best to choose who to delegate work to based on their capability and capacity, my confidence in them and their own self-confidence, and the opportunity they would have to grow and develop by taking on the delegated task. It helps when the delegation of work represents an opportunity for both of us, but this isn’t always possible.

I look for opportunities to delegate and re-prioritize at the same time. When the team is already over committed, it can be critical to recognize what work can wait in order to allow for the completion of a new delegated task. I also consider the cost and benefit of taking more time to help an employee learn how to do a task I am delegating to them. While this takes longer than doing the work myself, it can create new options for future work and may even allow us to change the workflow to have these tasks go directly to a new person or team in the future.

By the time I retire, I will have been working full-time for approximately 39 years. I won’t have mastered delegating during my career, but I’ve certainly gotten better at it! The challenge of making the best of the time we have is a constant, and I’m sure that will remain true in retirement. I hope to continue learning how to spend my time where it makes the most difference, and I’m grateful that in retirement I will be able to spend even more time with my loved ones. They have ever been, and will remain, most important to me.

“Everything always turns out for the best.” - Garnet Michael, my grandmother

This week, my thoughts are inspired by a question a colleague asked me recently about how I manage the stress of, and especially my emotional response to, challenges at work. I often find myself talking with younger colleagues about issues like this as they come by to visit with me about challenges in our work. I enjoy this time with them and I’m glad they can feel comfortable confiding in me.

As I visited with my colleague, he was looking for advice or insights about how to cope with the stresses that were coming along with his increasing responsibilities as a manager. In particular, he wondered about what to do with the feelings that accompany these stresses. He knew from our earlier conversations that I am a highly emotional person who has learned how to deal effectively, most of the time, with these feelings. I’m sure there are many more good ways to cope with these. Here’s what I suggested to him.

First, I shared some good advice I received from my grandmother many years ago. I’d be surprised if many of you haven’t received similar advice from parents, friends, or relations. Mimi told me that everything always turns out for the best. It can take some time to see how this will be and she also shared a question to ask myself when I’m having trouble dealing with a current crisis that feels so urgent and, sometimes, overwhelming. She suggested I ask myself, “How important will this seem a year from now?” Even though it has sometimes been a real struggle to benefit from her wisdom, this advice has helped keep me going when times are tough.

For me, the point of this advice is to help me put the worries and stresses of the moment into perspective with what really matters. To let time take time, do my best, and trust that choosing the best next step I can, one by one, will help me find my way to where I need to be. It is also important to remember that things turning out for the best isn’t the same as having them turn out the way I wanted them to. What I think I want isn’t always what’s best; for me, or for those I serve.

Then I shared with my colleague that one of the first steps we need to take, and one he is clearly already taking much of the time, is awareness. We need to be aware, first, that we are feeling, and then gain insight into what we are feeling and why. The first part of this can be as simple as paying attention to the physical signs that we are responding with some strong emotions to a situation and recognizing that we need to pause and honor these. Having become aware that we are responding with strong emotions, it can be helpful to name them. Am I feeling angry, frightened, frustrated, powerless, sad? Am I feeling joyful, confident, proud, happy, satisfied?

Sometimes, we need to dig deeper once we find the first words that help us name our emotions. Perhaps my first insight is that I am feeling overwhelmed. If I look deeper, I may find that I feel frustrated or unsure of myself. If I am angry, I may find fear beneath the surface of my anger. Fear of failure or of the unknown. This can be a first step to understanding why we are feeling what we are and we can think more deeply about what it is that is triggering this response.

Once we have a sense of what we are feeling, and why, we can move on to making choices about our actions. We always have the opportunity to act. Even in situations where we have no power to change the circumstances, we can choose how we will view the situation, and how we will respond as we express our thoughts and feelings to others. Where we do have power to change, or influence, the outcomes, we can consider how we can best move things toward the right outcome, and we can collaborate with our colleagues. As we go through this process, I also believe it is helpful to remember that there are no “wrong” feelings even if there can be wrong choices or actions.

Finally, I encouraged my colleague to remember that part of dealing with our emotional responses to stressful situations is acceptance. We may need to accept that something makes us uncomfortable, afraid, disappointed, or frustrated at the same time that we recognize it is the best option for action that we currently have. We may need to accept current limitations even as we strive to overcome them. At times like these, I find it helpful to remember the well-known prayer written by Reinhold Neibuhr:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes, you have to realize that what is best is to let things be, and it can be hard to be patient and to accept this.

Recognizing that you are responding emotionally and giving yourself a moment to accept this can help you make an asset of your emotional response. That gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, or is quite wrong, can warn us that we need to take a closer look at what is going on, seek the source of our discomfort, and find steps we can take to move things in a better direction. Similarly, the feeling that something is going very well, that people are satisfied, excited, or hopeful about what is happening can be an important clue that we are on the right track. Gaining the insights offered by our emotions can give us a powerful head start as we seek to apply our intellect.

It is important to take care of ourselves physically, and emotionally when we find our work stressful. Getting enough rest, exercise, healthy food, and, especially, time away from stress with loved ones, in nature, and in other activities that help us relax, disconnect, and recharge is essential. When we are strong, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, we bring our best as we face stressful situations.

I also shared another piece of advice that has served me well over the years. A trusted friend helped me learn not to “stare at” the things that upset me. Recognizing that we are upset by something, understanding our emotions and what is triggering them may still leave us feeling very strongly upset. Once we’ve done the work to gain awareness and understanding of our feelings, focussing on how upset we are is seldom useful. I’ve learned that it’s ok to “glance” at my upset feelings at these times, but continuing to “stare at” and stew about just them isn’t helpful.

Not everyone will experience the challenge of managing their emotional response to stress as strongly as I do. It seems I am just “wired” this way. If you are “wired” like I am, I hope these thoughts will prove helpful. Even if you aren’t there’s probably something here for you. I also hope that retirement will not be as stressful as my work has been. Still, I’m sure I will find the skill I’ve developed in recognizing, honoring, and accepting my emotions, and in using them to help me choose what is right, useful all through my life.

“Maybe the infinite thing is the chance to be who you actually are, in all its complications, in full fragile need, without regret or apology or even complaint” - Ian Brown in “Sixty”

Today, I complete this three-part essay sharing my thoughts on aging that is inspired by Ian Brown’s excellent book, “Sixty”. In much of the first two parts, I explore how my views differ from the author’s. In this final part, I focus more on where our views are more similar. The first part of the essay is available here: http://last100mondays.blogspot.com/2016/09/maybe-this-is-what-part-of-being-alive.html,
and the second part here:
http://last100mondays.blogspot.com/2016/09/best-dreams-may-be-ones-we-least.html

I very much enjoyed the opportunity to share one man’s experience of aging in “Sixty”. Brown is very candid and open about his thoughts and feelings in the book and it was deeply thought provoking for me. As I read what he wrote about regret and disappointment, I was reminded that the ache of life is part of being alive. It seems there will always be some longing for what cannot be or have. Whether that is a wish unrealized, a regret that cannot be resolved, or the longing for those we have lost. I'm not sure whether death will include the replacing of the aching with joy or the realization that the sweetness of the aching was the point. In any case, I am grateful beyond words for the love, joy, and wonder that balance the longing. There is a different kind of sweet ache that comes along with the inexpressible overflowing of my heart with love.

At one point in the book, Brown writes that it is too late at 60 to change his patterns, to take up art, and I hope this isn't true. Much of my plan for retirement involves some change of patterns at 60 and beyond. I am counting on being able to teach the old dog I am some new tricks! I do relate to the idea he shares that traveling with dear friends as we age includes the longing to be close as long as we can, for fear that we may not have another chance. While I hope my wife and I have decades yet to enjoy our travels with our friends, I understand the feeling that Brown is writing about.

Financial concerns seem to be a significant theme for Brown, too, and there I can relate to his worries more directly. I have spent more than a few nights lying awake worried about family finances and whether we have made the right financial decisions as we prepare for my retirement. The financial security of my wife and our children is of utmost importance to me. Having a son with a disability is another thing we share with Ian Brown and his wife, and we’ve made special provisions for him. I am so grateful for my wonderful partner and for the work our financial adviser has done with us! While money will always be a constraint, we will have enough for our needs, some to enjoy travel, and a way to leave a legacy for our children. For some reason, I have the old song “I’ve Got Sixpence” running through my head! As recently as yesterday, I was worried enough to check just one more detail… it turned out to be OK.

Ian Brown does have flashes of hope and sees some reasons for optimism as he journeys through his sixtieth year. I love reading of the joy he finds in time with his family, and especially his daughter. He writes about about compassion, awareness, tolerance and the capacity for solitude, and these thoughts resonate for me. He writes of being “alone but not terrified, alone but not obligated for the gift of that aloneness.”  I love a quote he shares of Knausgaard describing his response to art. “all my reasoning vanished in the surge of energy and beauty that arose in me.” I enjoyed the ordinary moments of relaxation and happiness that he shares in “Sixty”. Time spent in gardens and at the shore, with family and friends, traveling and appreciating nature. He writes of traveling with friends in England and I find myself thinking how much I’d enjoy a holiday like that. Walking in the English countryside in the morning, visiting gardens in the afternoon, eating a big ploughman’s lunch, visiting with dear friends, reading, and writing.

He also writes of the relationship with the self, and the nurturing mother figure being transferred to a relationship with our own body as a teenager. This seems to be an important part of why the aging of his body bothers him so much. For me, it feels like I have identified with my spirit and mind since I was a young man so maybe this is one reason the aging of my body bothers me less. I enjoy my body and the feeling of being alive, walking, swimming, hugging, eating, singing, and so on, but these are physical expressions of who I am inside, and not who I am in and of themselves.

Ian Brown being so different than I am in many ways is part of what makes this book interesting. I get a look into his different experience and I also think about my own experience in considering how it differs and where it is similar. Where his optimism and hope are evident I find the greatest similarities between us. Late in his sixtieth year he speculates about how his life might actually turn out to have meaning. I love that he wrote, “The best dreams may be the ones we least suspect”, and “The shape of my life might emerge out the future mist, and … It might still be a surprise.” He writes of the hope that he will finally wake one day to meet life as it is and make the most of it.

He also writes late in the book that he is ready to go on to something else. I wonder if he will learn to do this in his life. I hope so. For me, while I think there may be things we cannot do as easily as we age, I believe there are also things we choose not to do based on our growing experience and the preferences, and wisdom, we develop. There are also things we are more capable of doing because we have had the opportunity to learn. To learn compassion, forgiveness, and redemption. To become better at recognizing opportunities for joy and wisdom. To learn from our mistakes and disappointments, and from our triumphs and accomplishments, which choices are best for us. To realize that we may always learn more about what matters, and how to be more loving.

Brown writes of his close friends and how much he admires them. He recognizes that there is so much more he would want to say and that we never have enough time to say what we ought to. I certainly feel and think these things myself. For all my clumsy attempts, how can I ever share with my loved ones how deeply and completely I do love them? Even if I took the risk and tried to say all I feel, surely there are no words good enough. Brown focuses on what we ought to say. I try to remember that my best chance of really communicating my love is through my choices and actions. Finally, I think, I must trust that my beloveds know how much I love them. How sharing love with them is what matters most of all to me. I look for comfort, and find some, in the feeling that, if I could truly speak my heart, they might gently say, “Oh, Jim. We know that!”

When Brown writes about spending time with children, wanting to be a grandfather, the books he was reading, and the thoughts they inspired including that life isn't about acquiring money and things, I am with him. He writes, “Maybe the infinite thing is the chance to be who you actually are, in all its complications, in full fragile need, without regret or apology or even complaint”, and it feels so true. I hope his search for meaning and understanding will bring him peace of mind. I hope this for myself as well. Perhaps there is an epiphany somewhere along the path that leads out ahead of us into the blue distance of age that will show us unimagined opportunities for joy, understanding, and love.

I’m glad to have read “Sixty”. While it seems to me that Brown mainly sees the negative space in the scenes of life, and I tend to see the positive, his book helped me think about, and feel, my own awareness of aging and I am glad for that. It is an ongoing journey of discovery and there were some things he shared that resonate strongly for me. I really did like this book, despite my tendency to disagree with the author. In many ways, this is one reason why I liked it so much. Ian Brown writes with great honesty and clarity, and throughout the book he kept me engaged and challenged with important ideas that were worth spending time thinking about.  I'm glad he ended the acknowledgements by recognizing how valuable the love of his family is to him. There we agree. My loved ones fill my life with joy and loving them gives life meaning for me.

In the extraordinarily unlikely event that he should ever happen to read these words, I hope Mr. Brown will accept my thanks for these past three months of reflection. Most of all, I thank my book buddy, Cathy, for suggesting the book to me. I take great joy in sharing books with her. I will go into retirement with my heart and my mind open hoping this chapter of my life will include more time with all my loved ones. I’ll close with the quote from the book that I used to begin this three-part essay “Maybe this is what part of being alive is about, and why I can never regret that I was, even if it has to end one day.”

(The photo at the top of this week's essay is of my parents)