"If you do not love me, I shall not be loved. If I do not love you, I shall not be loved." - Samuel Beckett

Today I will share some thoughts about love on a day that has everything to do with love for me. Our university is closed for the holidays, so this is not one of my last 100 Mondays and what I write today is entirely personal. I’ll keep myself to my usual 10-11 paragraphs and this is just as well. I could write far too many words about love and a few, well chosen, ones will share better what is in my heart.

On this day, many years ago now, my life began again when there was a knock at my door and love walked in. My best friend stood smiling there and her shining eyes were filled with love for me. It was as if the sun, long missing from my skies, shone down, at last, on fields I had been tilling in hopes that I might someday grow flowers again.

I was like a seed that had been waiting for the warmth of her smile to let me know it was safe again to sprout and grow. The love I had held in my heart for her was free to blossom unafraid. We took the risk of vulnerability together and fell in love. It has made all the difference for me.

Surrounded by her sweet, warm, steady love, I have grown to be a better man. More myself and more the man I want to be. She brought me home to a family I had been estranged from and the distance between us was gone. We made a family of our own and I am so grateful for our two sons, and for the men they have grown to be thanks to her loving care.

I believe there are beloved ones in our lives who we love completely. The love we have for them is beyond any notion of loving any one more or less than the others. While the way we share our love changes to honor the shape of the love we share with each of these, still we love them each completely. In my life, I have her to thank for all of my most beloved ones.

She gave my mother and I back to one another in time to share precious years together. She gave me back my dear sisters. She gave me two beloved sons when I thought my chances for a family were past. Thanks to her, I found two other precious friends who are as close to my heart as all these most beloved ones.

This day, so special to my chosen beloved and I, is also the birthday of one of these two precious friends, and his wife is the other one. There is no man in all the world who I can call friend in quite the same way. I have no brothers, but this wonderful man is more than a brother to me. His lovely wife is just as dear to us. There is no woman except my beloved wife who has been such a special friend to me.

Our friendships bring my darling wife and I such joy, and the four of us have shared so much. The sweetness in life, especially our adventures traveling together, and the joy of watching our families thrive and grow, is all the sweeter for being shared with them, and the trying times easier to bear. I am thinking of them today and wishing him a very happy birthday!

I am so very lucky to have my life, and my heart, filled to overflowing with love shared

with my beloveds. My family and precious friends. I am thankful beyond words to be married to my best friend.

My chosen beloved, I am so grateful that you walked through my door on this day and chose me. My life began again that day and, with you, it is easy to live in joy, peace, and love.

© 2016 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” - Thomas Jefferson

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.” - Mark Twain
Today, I share some thoughts about those situations at work where I’ve found myself working under pressure and how I’ve attempted to deal with them. I’ve found that opportunities to feel pressure, and stress, are almost constantly available in my work as an IT manager. How I react to these opportunities, to reduce the pressure and stress I feel, and to act effectively in the face of pressure, can make all the difference.

There have been plenty of stressors, and lots of pressure, in the environment I’ve experienced in my roles as a senior IT manager. Pressures to deliver the expected levels of service, reliability, and value with limited resources. Competing priorities advocated for by various powerful individuals or constituencies. Times where there has been pressure to deliver on IT initiatives conceived, and committed to, by executives without consulting with those of us in IT or properly considering the existing resources and commitments we’ve had in place. Times when I have been in conflict with someone in authority over what was right for our employees or those we serve.

The process of developing one of our IT strategic plans provides a good example of the kinds of challenges I’ve faced that created pressure for me and my colleagues. We had pursued an in-depth process to collaborate with colleagues throughout the university to identify initiatives that would use information technology to make the greatest difference for our academic mission. Having identified these, and built the draft plan recognizing that one of the key things we’d need to do together was to advocate for additional resources, or agree to limit certain expectations, a senior leader insisted that the guiding principles for the plan include “Implementation of the IT Strategic Plan will not require funding beyond what is currently available for technology infrastructure and applications.”

The process of developing the strategic plan had created expectations for that plan to promote student success, improved service and communication, professional development for faculty and staff, and other benefits. Many involved in that process clearly understood that we would need to consider the resources required to achieve these results. The inclusion of this new guiding principle placed our aspirations in direct conflict with a budget process that often functioned as a zero sum game. We worked together to realize the greatest benefit from the plan as adopted. Still, the pressure to deliver all the benefits described with no added resources, was a major challenge and I don’t believe we achieved as much as we might have.

The environmental pressure to act in a particular manner results in stress in the form of emotional and physiological responses. What I bring to the equation makes a big difference, and it’s not all good. I have a tendency to worry, to think introspectively about challenges in ways that are not always helpful, a desire to do excellent work and difficulty in accepting less than this from myself, a desire to avoid conflict, and struggles with saying no. Given all this, it’s been important for me to develop skills that help me respond to pressure with less stress.

Throughout my career as a manager, I’ve worked to improve my ability to delegate work that is more appropriately done by others, and sometimes this has meant learning to delegate “up” to my boss. I’ve worked to set effective priorities that help me defer the work that should wait so that I can focus where I can make the greatest difference. Where I can, I’ve learned to recognize work that I, and the teams I’ve lead, should not be doing, and to eliminate that work. I’ve improved my ability to communicate with colleagues and to advocate for more realistic priorities, budgets and expectations. After 15 years, I was very glad that my advocacy helped result in the hiring of the first CIO in the history of our university. The increased visibility and understanding of IT, and how the wise use of technology can deliver value for the university, that having an effective CIO on our president’s cabinet is making a real difference.

At a personal level, I’ve learned to make better use of meditation, exercise, prayer, and other techniques to help myself deal with the stress I experience, and to experience less stress when under pressure. I’ve made a point of taking time to relax and write to my loved ones at lunch, and to build professional partnerships that help me work with colleagues to respond to pressure with intelligent advocacy for the steps that will benefit our university most.

I have not been entirely successful in my efforts to deal with pressure, and the resulting stress and I’ve experienced consequences including health issues. As a result, my approach to stress and pressure has changed. I’ve increased my use of meditation, prayer, and mindful moments, and I’m more diligent in actually taking time for myself at lunch. I don’t bring very much work home any more, and I no longer work an average of 50-60 hours a week, or more. The fact that I am approaching retirement may make taking some of these steps easier for me than it would be for my younger colleagues, but I think anyone can make changes in the way they work to help them work more effectively, and stay well.

While the quotes I chose for this week’s essay speak to how we should deal with anger, I think they apply to pressure and stress, too. Just like dealing with anger, one of the key things I’ve learned about dealing with pressure and stress is that it is essential to take time when I first experience these feelings to regain my composure before acting. Acting without taking this time leads to much poorer decisions and other negative consequences. Taking just a moment to gather my thoughts, and really understand the situation, allows me to perform much more effectively. At the same time, I admit that I’m far from perfect and that my reaction to stress is sometimes better described by the quote from Twain than by the quote from Jefferson.

As I look back on my career, and the lessons I’ve learned, there are things I wish I had learned to do differently sooner. I’ve always struggled with delegating effectively and making more progress in doing that well would have benefitted me. I wish I had learned earlier to engage senior executives more effectively in a partnerships that allow us to realize greater value from IT together. Most of all, I wish I had learned sooner to care for myself, and my health, in the face of pressure and stress. I’m glad my medical issues got me to make changes in my lifestyle, and style of work, before I suffered worse consequences. I’m glad to be looking forward to my retirement in good health and wish my colleagues success in learning to deal effectively with pressure and stress earlier in their careers.

"When you truly sing, you sing yourself free. When you truly dance, you dance yourself free. When you walk in the mountains or swim in the sea, again, you set yourself free.” - Jay Woodman

Today, I am thinking about freedom and what it really means to me. I find myself thinking about my personal freedom, our collective freedom and the rights we declare to help define and protect it, and the responsibilities that come with freedom for me.

One common definition of freedom is “the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.” I would change this definition to read “without external hindrance or restraint.” I could consider myself completely free by doing whatever I want and acting on every thought and feeling just as I pleased. In fact, I don’t act on my freedom this way. For me, the greatest freedom is a matter of choosing to do what is right with love. For me this requires thoughtful reflection, emotional awareness, and self-restraint. I can choose to act in ways that aren't my first impulse out of consideration for those I love, a goal I am pursuing, the well being of others, or values I hold sacred. This applies in my personal life and in my actions in the broader community.

I look around me and I know that the vast majority of people exercise their freedom just as I do. Sill, I have met people in my life who feel strongly that the are not fully free because they cannot act just as they please, and who blame others for hindering and restraining them. It seems to me that these people are misplacing the responsibility for their freedom of choice and action. There are things I wish I could do, thoughts and feelings I wish I could express, and act on, more fully. I choose not to act on these because I believe my doing so would be wrong. I’ve concluded that expressing and acting on these thoughts and feelings would be harmful to those I love, unjust to someone, or inconsistent with my values and what I believe is right.

There are also actions I take, or views I express, knowing that they will be unpopular, controversial, or challenging in some way. I act having decided that the value, or importance, of acting justifies the consequences. I take responsibility for my freedom of choice and for the consequences of my actions, and of my inaction. As a result, I believe I am happier than those who unjustly assign this responsibility to others and blame them for limiting their freedom.

As I think of our collective freedom, secured and maintained through the efforts of others over hundreds of years in this country, and over thousands of years of human history, I remember again the words of Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Henry L. Pierce and others in 1859. He wrote, "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves.” From Jefferson’s words in the Declaration of Independence that we are all endowed with unalienable Rights including, “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”, to the first amendment’s protection of freedom of religion, speech, the press, peaceable assembly, and the right to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, our nation is founded on the notion of equal rights and freedom for all.

Franklin D. Roosevelt further identified essential human rights that should be universally protected in his Four Freedoms State of the Union address and these, Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Worship, Freedom from Want, and Freedom from Fear, were beautifully portrayed in paintings by Norman Rockwell. This theme of essential human rights was incorporated into the Atlantic Charter, and became part of the charter of the United Nations where the preamble includes “to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small” and “to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom.”

On December 10, 1948, the UN adopted The Universal Declaration of Human Rights which includes in its preamble, “recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world”, and, in Article I, “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.”

Seen against the background of the discrimination faced by women, blacks, hispanics, Japanese Americans, people with disabilities, LGBTQ people and others during Roosevelt’s time, the Four Freedoms defined 76 years ago next month, and other declarations of human rights, were clearly hopeful statements of our aspirations. In the more than 60 years since the UN Declaration of Human Rights, we have made real progress. We have much more work to do eliminate discrimination, and to ensure equality and equity for all people.

Women and children are far from enjoying equal rights and freedom. The work of UN-Women, the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women which continues to work to advance gender equality, and the adoption of the the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child are valuable efforts to advance the cause of equal rights for women and children. The work of organizations like the Carter Center and others help advance this cause every day.

Can I ever be completely free, and able to act to advance my own goals, dreams and values, while others have less opportunity for freedom than I do? As long as women, children, and others who are perceived as different in some way, and who are treated by some as “less than” or wrong because of their differences, are discriminated against and offered less opportunity I don’t see how any of us can fully enjoy our rights and freedom.

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states in Article 29, “Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.” So I choose to act on my duty by working to help eliminate inequality, and to secure equal rights and opportunities for all people. My small efforts may make only a small difference and I doubt I will live to see truly equal, and equitable, freedom for all. Still, anything I can do to advance this goal while I live will be a good use of my time, energy, and freedom.

I know that I fail every day in my efforts to always do what is right with love. Sometimes my actions are unloving, or wrong. I sometimes choose not to act out of fear, uncertainty, or even when inaction is convenient for me. Yet, I continue to do my best each day and to look for ways to grow stronger in my commitment and in my actions. As Mahatma Gandhi wrote, “It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” - Joseph Campbell

Today, I find myself reflecting on what I’ve learned during my career about how our personality types and traits influence the way we do our work, and how work together. I’m thinking about how taking these into account helps us build stronger teams by ensuring we have diverse strengths and skills represented. I’m also thinking about how I have learned to play the roles I do in the workplace, and other settings, and especially those that have required me to learn to work “against type”, or against my basic temperament.

I’ve had experience using the results from a number of different personality and temperament assessment tools to help understand what different people bring to building a strong team, and strong relationships, by recognizing and respecting the different strengths we each have. I’ve worked with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®), Effectiveness Institute Behavior Style profile®, Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument® (HBDI®), DiSC®,True Colors®, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter®-II (KTS®-II), and others. While each of these valuable tools brings a slightly different perspective to assessing and describing temperament and personality, they all have value in helping us see how very different temperaments and personalities can be exceptionally complementary and how diversity can equate to strength, agility, and innovation.

I’ve always had an interest in how people can work, and live, together in harmony by sharing their different perspectives and strengths. From an early interest in being a minister, to a desire to see different denominations and faiths emphasize what they have in common more than their differences, to my undergraduate studies in psychology with a goal to becoming a clinical psychologist, this desire to help people come together has been a thread running through my life. While I ran out of money to pursue an advanced degree, and thankfully found a good career in IT, I’ve continued to pursue this interest in my work as a manager and leader. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if it had occurred to me to take out a student loan!

Over the years, I’ve come to understand how very helpful it can be for members of a team to understand each other’s different strengths, styles, and preferences. When we recognize which of us bring stronger analytical skills, a preference for action versus deliberation, the ability to engage and persuade others, or a greater ability to understand how others feel about and experience change, we can benefit more from these strengths, styles and preferences. This understanding can also help us learn how to work together more effectively by learning how we can best work with those whose styles are different from our own. I’ve also found it very helpful to gain a better understanding of the differences between temperament, a person's underlying nature, and the behaviors they’ve learned to help them be effective in the workplace.

We can learn to work “against type” and to develop strength in areas that don’t come as naturally to us. Understanding our own strengths, and those of others with different styles and temperaments, can help us recognize opportunities for this kind of growth. In my own experience, I learned from an early age how to be more outgoing. My mother helped me learn this while still valuing the quiet, gentle, little boy who tended to enjoy reading inside and playing by himself. Recently, I’ve been reading Susan Cain’s book “Quiet”, and I’ve learned that this push to help children be more outgoing and extroverted was widely encouraged in the US in the 1950s. My mother’s talking with me about this, and giving me books written for children about how to meet friends and make conversation, may have been influenced by that climate of seeking “A health personality for every child.”

I want to be clear that I feel everything my mother did was motivated by love and that I have benefited from what she taught me. Still, I've always known that this ability to talk with just about anyone was something I learned to do as opposed to something that just came naturally. I’ve become so accustomed to working at being outgoing that, sometimes, it’s only by noticing that I’m feeling awkward or tired that I realize it’s something I am working hard to do. Working “against type” usually requires a significant investment of energy for me, as it does for most people, but there have been situations where this has been absolutely necessary, and sometimes very beneficial, in my career. When I am called on, as a manager, to give direction and set priorities, and especially when I must discipline an employee, I am working hard against type and it tires me out. I am at my best, and most at ease as a leader, when I can work as an advocate for the needs of the people I am leading because that comes naturally for me.

Understanding the differences in our styles, temperaments, strengths, and preferences has been invaluable to me in my work with others. It was this understanding that helped me learn how to work more effectively with executives who had a natural ability to make decisions and exercise control over an organization. These leaders needed me to bring them concise, actionable, alternatives based on data so that they could exercise their ability to choose the best course of action. By learning that the more analytical members of our teams placed very great value on the accuracy of their results, I was able to see why they needed the time to do their work thoroughly and well, and that it could help for me to clearly constrain the results I needed to help them do this in less time. Recognizing which members of the team were naturally outgoing and enthusiastic, and which were strong by being quiet and thoughtful, helped me honor and support each of these styles as we did our work together.

As I’ve used the various tools to understand my own temperament and behavior, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and also about these tools. For instance, I’ve been told that some, like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® can tend to measure your personality within a given setting. For me this test, taken in the work environment where I felt most comfortable engaging with others and believed most strongly in the shared goals and values of our organization, my volunteer work with the SHARE Board of Directors, resulted in a type of ENFP. A type characterised by extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving behaviors.

I took a similar test, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter®-II, as they suggest, from the perspective of what feels real for me and not trying to give answers that I think would sound like how I should behave in any particular situation. The result was that I was classified as an INFJ. A type characterized by introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging behaviors. Ultimately, after some reflection, I’m not surprised by this result. When I took the quick diagnostic quiz in “Quiet” I also scored as an introvert. I realize that my choices when left to my own devices reflect my comfort with the inner world of thoughts and feelings.

So, these different tools can reveal different things about us, and some results can differ depending on how we take them. It can be helpful to understand how to make good use of this information. For instance, a man I have great respect for, who has worked to develop one of the assessments I’ve used, talked about the difference between who we are versus how we “show up” to others in the workplace. Throughout most of my career, I have identified as an extrovert, and in the workplace I play this role well. With my most trusted loved ones I still tend toward gregarious, outgoing, behavior. I am very open about my feelings of love for these special ones and, with them, I can also be my quiet self and I’ve been re-learning that this is ok.

Our differences present opportunities for us to be more together than we can be alone. My wonderful partner has a significantly different personality from my own and this is one of the things that makes our relationship, and the life we share, so rewarding. One of my best friends and I both took the Myers-Briggs test together and discovered that our types were just about opposite from each other. I’ve come to learn over the years of our friendship just how strong this can make us, and how delightful it can be, as we work, and play, together. Another precious friend has helped show me the special beauty of quiet time in a way that is helping my rediscover that quiet little boy, and who he has grown up to be within the man I have become. This is a wonderful, comforting, gift that I am just beginning to unwrap and explore. Far beyond the world of work, our differences make the lives we share together so much richer. I am grateful for each of my loved ones and for their uniquely beautiful selves.

My darling wife tells me she’s not very surprised that I may actually be more of an introvert than I’d realized. As I look forward, she tells me that it seems clear than many of the things I most want to do in retirement seem more individual and solitary. Carl Jung wrote that introverts are drawn to the inner world of thought and feeling, and extroverts to the external life of people and activities. I guess my sense that I might essentially be an introvert who has learned to play extrovert very well may prove true. Among the insights in the report I received from the Keirsey test I took are that “you may find great personal fulfillment interacting with others to nurture their personal development” and “you also seem to do quite well connecting with both individuals and groups so long as your interactions together aren't superficial”. Perhaps in retirement, I’ll find opportunities to work to these strengths. I do seem to talk an awful lot for an introvert!