“And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit.” - On Work, Kahlil Gibran from “The Prophet”

These past three months have given me wonderful opportunities to experience the joys of retirement, the satisfaction of hard work, and some balance between the two. After sharing some wonderful adventures on a road trip to Yellowstone with our family, I continued my part-time work at the university during June, and then took the month of July off.  Now I am back part time, and happily remembering the satisfaction of seeing our students start back to school this past week.

One of my very best friends preceded me into retirement, and his wish for me in returning to my part-time role was that I might find the work satisfying, and also learn just how much I enjoy being retired full time.  His wish is definitely coming true! I do find the work that I am doing at the university satisfying, and I am deeply grateful for the way my colleagues here welcome my contributions. Even more, I am grateful for their friendship and for the opportunity to serve alongside such fine people as I get my wish of transitioning gently from my old, more stressful, full-time role to my life in retirement.  I also know that I will be glad when the day comes that I finally go home from my work at the university for the last time. I will miss these people, and I will also be deeply happy to have even more time with my loved ones.

Managing my time well has been a challenge for me for as long as I can remember.  I began working at my first “paycheck” job when I was 15, and I’ve worked at something ever since.  When I’m not at work I love giving, especially to my beloveds, and I gain a great deal of joy from living my love for them in this way.  I’m far from perfect, but I feel that I’m often at my best when I’m paying attention to what they want and need, and doing what I can to help make those things happen for them.

I still have much growing to do in my ability to give to myself.  I’m still learning how to make time for what matters most to me, and to balance the many things I am interested in, and enjoy.  My beloved ones matter above all else, so living my love by giving to them will always be important to my joy, peace, and satisfaction.  Still, there are books to read, songs to write and sing, bread to bake, and walks to take in these mountains, or beside the sea. Alone with my thoughts and feelings, or with loved ones near.

 

My July off gave me some good practice.  With some time for giving, relaxing, and peaceful reflection.  Most of that month I spent working with all my strength building retaining walls out of oak railroad ties here at our home.  This is a project that needed to be done before the winter rains come, and a great opportunity to live my love. As of yesterday, this work is done, and I have moved many tons of earth, gravel, and wood.  Mainly with a pick and shovel, a wheelbarrow, a 5-gallon bucket, and the muscles of my body. I am glad I can still do this work. It is probably the most physically demanding job I’ve done since I was a young man.  It was deeply satisfying when my beloved Sue would come to see the work I’d done, and find it good. I’ve slept very well, and have been seldom troubled by anxiety or depression. Hard physical work is clearly good for me, and I’ll have to watch for good alternatives when the day comes that I can no longer do so much.

Mixed in with the work, there was some wonderful play.  About halfway through July, Sue and I had a relaxing trip to Cambria to celebrate our anniversary.  We spent most of those days walking or sitting on the beaches visiting and looking for pretty stones among the soft, smooth gravel.  We enjoyed beautiful sunsets, some sunny days, and the soft coastal fog. It was lovely to spend this time together, and to have some wonderful seafood, too!  Most of all, my heart and soul were filled with my overflowing love and gratitude to have a partner I can keep falling in love with over all these years.

My work here at home has reminded me how physical work affords me some of my best time to think and feel, and also to not think and feel as I move into the meditation of simply being and working with my body.  I was happy to have some peaceful times swimming in the lake when the smoke from this year’s forest fires cleared away. The cool embrace of the water against my skin after a hot day’s work is so relaxing. The work of swimming soothes my tired muscles with gentle, different motion, and this is also a wonderful time to think, feel, and simply be present in this beautiful place.

Often, my thoughts turn to love.  I have been making notes for over five years now, and hope someday to collect those thoughts into a series of essays.  It feels ambitious, and daunting, to write about this most important of all feelings. Who am I to presume to speak of Love? What do I have to add to a conversation going back even beyond Kierkegaard, and Socrates?  How will I have the courage to offer my thoughts and feelings simply, and to accept the inevitable questions, criticism, or silence? Perhaps someday I will dare to answer these questions.

Today, I will do my best to live in love.  To sometimes live my love out loud, and also to remember that I have a choice of how I act on my feelings.  That sometimes I will cherish feelings of love for those who are beloved to me without directly expressing them; instead seeking to have my awareness of this love inform my actions.  To live “I love you” instead of saying those most precious words aloud.

There are many things that can contribute to our falling in love. I believe that being and staying in love is another matter. Youthful beauty, and the heady infatuation of our discovering each other do not always burn as brightly as they did at first; though beauty that glows from within can grow warmer with the years. Attraction and desire, even when these feelings grow and evolve in a loving relationship, can only enhance and celebrate; not sustain. Even the meaning and value of common interest and shared experience, evolves with time. So, I say let your being in love be a constant journey to find a greater closeness with the beloved as they grow and change; a process of always discovering and rediscovering that which makes them wonderful to your heart and soul.

For me, there is a point beyond which is no such thing as loving one more than another. With unconditional love comes the suspension of any effort to measure or compare the depth, value or meaning of my love for those beloved to me. While the nature of my feelings of love is different for my child than for my sibling, or different for my friend than for my spouse, I do not love one more than the other; instead I love each, in their own way, completely. May I learn such unconditional love for myself as the years go on, and to accept love unconditionally.

May I work my love, and live my love, and sing my love, and share my love in grateful silence as I feel it overflowing this heart that my beloveds have filled with more than it can hold.  While I can hold them close and warm, I will. May our love go on flowing always beyond space and time, and may we find new ways to be close when my time in this good body, living together with them in this good world, is done.