"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind." - Henri Frederic Amiel

Today, I find myself thinking of the times when I am quiet and I wonder what those around me see at these times, and what they think. I remember times sitting quietly with a beloved friend and wondering what they were thinking and experiencing. Sometimes, I find myself balanced between wanting to gently ask “What are you thinking?” and not wanting to intrude into their quiet moments. I feel myself wanting to grow closer by understanding more of my loved ones’ thoughts and feelings. I also feel myself wanting to respect their privacy and honor their choosing to be quiet.

I am thinking of all the times my lovely partner has asked me “What are you thinking?” and I feel deep gratitude that she always asks this with a genuine desire to know me more completely. She is one of those who can easily see when I am troubled, and can ask this gently as a way of offering comfort and support. Most often she asks with loving curiosity as a way of welcoming me to connect with her. She has never asked in a way that made me feel she was trying to judge or manipulate my thoughts or feelings. I’ve experienced that in the past and I am glad that it’s been many years since I felt the sense of mistrust and intrusion that can come along with an unloving questioning of my inner life.

I ask questions like “What are you thinking?”, too, and I believe I ask them with the same gentle respect, and an invitation to trust. It can be part of the communication that is so important to genuine emotional intimacy. Still, sometimes, I don’t ask. Not all silences need to be broken and sometimes the most intimate, loving, and respectful thing I can do is to let the quiet alone. As I sit quietly with loved ones, I can find myself wondering if this time theirs is a peaceful quiet, or disquiet? If I am relatively sure there is something troubling someone I care for, I am more likely to ask in hopes that I can be some help or comfort. Even then there is a moment of choice. The more I sense a need for privacy, the less likely I am to drop that first pebble into the the still pond of silence.

I am very grateful for the wonderful healing that can be found in quiet times. In quiet, we can connect with who we are. We may simply experience the beauty and peace around us, especially in nature or when we are quiet with loved ones, or heal the raw places and weave in the frayed, unraveled threads in the tapestries of our lives. These times are precious. I’ve found joy, looked for answers, and sought healing in quiet many times in my life and remembering this helps me to value and honor the silence of others.

I have a deep desire to respect another's choice to spend time quietly and to honor their desire, or need, for this time. It’s part of wanting to respect their privacy and all their individual choices. Some who know me may read this and wonder if I am ever quiet! I do talk a lot. Much of my talking with those closest to me is meant to enjoy the closeness we share, and to grow closer still. Sometimes my talking in less intimate settings, while honest, is shaped to meet the needs of the situation when my own needs would be better served by silence. Those who know me best see through the masks I wear to play my roles in life, and it is with these dear ones I can most easily be quiet. I admit it is something I have needed to learn and that I expect I will continue learning while I live.

Still, if a loved one were quietly hurting, I would wish to find a way to let them know that I would welcome the opportunity to help. To be trusted with the confidence that all is not well. Perhaps at times the best comfort would be for them to have me there to share the quiet, knowing that they are having a tough time. Sometimes just to have someone close, even to squeeze your hand or pat your shoulder, can make such a difference. A gentle touch can be a great way to help bring relaxation in good times and bad without disturbing the quiet. Maybe that's part of the reason foot rubs, and such, are so popular at our house!

There may be times when it would help to to talk things through with a friend. Other times, having a loving ear to simply listen to our cares is what we need most. I pay attention to my desire to speak and I’ve been learning over the years to recognize when it’s best to keep silent. My undergraduate degree is in psychology and I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I’d found the money for graduate school and worked in the healing professions instead of in IT. I am honored when my dear ones trust me with whatever is weighing on their minds and I do my best to walk softly with them only as far into their disquiet as they are comfortable traveling together.

Some of my own most difficult quiet times are spent considering my regrets. Especially feelings of regret over those hard things in my life that I can’t make right. Sometimes I must accept that we can’t go back to how it was, and we wish it could be again, but only go forward in the best way that we can find. I know that I’m not unique in this and I imagine many of us spend some of our quiet moments looking for the best answers to these hard questions. When there is still a way to make amends, quiet can help me accept the need to do this, and find the actions that can heal an old hurt I’ve caused. Especially when there is no way to make things right, forgiveness seems to be one of the most powerful options. I have the option of forgiving those who have hurt me, and the much more difficult choice of forgiving myself for harm I’ve caused. I find that quiet times are vital to my ability to find, and accept, forgiveness.

As I think of my loved ones, I know that I am ready to help, if I can, as they find their way through the hard work of regret, forgiveness, grief, and the other challenges in our lives. I can respect their need for quiet when they are seeking healing and answers in silence. I’m also ready to give my strength and love when leaning on me will help. It is an honor when my loved ones are willing to place some of their burden on my shoulders and trust me to carry it with them. I imagine walking with them down the beach and seeing the depth of their footprints growing less as the weight passes from them.

I can also recognize that sometimes peace and quiet is simply that, or a way to recharge our batteries. I’m glad that, very often, quiet may contain curious, or happy, thoughts, and sweet, deeply felt, emotions. We can simply sit quietly together enjoying the peace and warmth of one another’s loving company. We can share a smile, or a touch, to communicate our shared contentment. We can choose to speak, or ask gently, and share the fruits of silence with our loved ones. I’m grateful for these times when quiet contains not a burden to be lightened but a joy that might grow in the sharing.

I look forward to sharing even more time for talk and laughter, and for quiet times together, with my loved ones in retirement. I hope I can grow to be even more of a trusted friend to these special ones. To help ease their sorrows and amplify their joy. I know that growing closer with them will be an especially precious part of my growing as life goes on.


(Thinking back to my interest in psychology, one of the books that I often share with others is “The Healing Connection” by Irene Stiver and Jean Baker Miller. I find the ideas they advance about how we become ourselves in relationship with others very valuable and their suggestions about how to avoid “disconnects” helpful.)

"They did not measure their joy in goods sold, their egos in bank balances, nor their loves in what they cost.” - John Steinbeck of Mack and the Boys in Cannery Row

Today, I find myself looking back at the day-long celebration at our university last week devoted to recognizing our staff and the importance of their having access to opportunities for appreciation, recognition, and professional development. This is the sixth year we’ve set aside a special day for this purpose and it was our 50th annual staff awards luncheon. I realize that I’ve attended more than half of these! I’m grateful to work at a place that makes it a priority to support the growth of employees and to recognize their accomplishments.

I was especially inspired to write about this day by the theme of this year’s event, “Developing from Within”, and the sub-themes of growing, learning, celebrating, contributing, promoting, developing, and serving. I very much liked the emphasis this year on how we can seek to balance the stress and demands of our work with activities that support physical, emotional, and mental wellness, and with opportunities both to make a difference and to recognize that we are.

I think it is vitally important to pay attention to how we can keep our balance in situations where we must deal with high rates of change, demanding deadlines and expectations, and limited resources. Especially for my colleagues in IT, these have been nearly constant characteristics of our work lives and they can be very challenging. I was grateful this past week to hear speakers emphasize strategies and concepts that will help us all have patience with ourselves and others, strive to bring our best to our work while accepting that with innovation comes the need to accept, and learn from, failure, and to be ready to ask for, and accept, help from our colleagues.

As I think about this need for balance this morning, I’m remembering a technique a dear friend shared with me to take 30 seconds for a “mindful moment” from time to time during the day. I’ve been practicing this and find that it helps me quickly get back on track when stress and chaos begin to loom large in my day. I particularly liked a metaphor they shared that keeping our balance can be like moving with the waves in the ocean. I spent hours as a young man enjoying the surf. Keeping my balance as the waves rolled by, and diving through them when necessary, is an idea that feels natural to me. I find it helpful to remember that I was able to thrive in an environment where my power was vanishingly small compared to the power of the ocean, to be able to embrace that power, and surf in its beauty. Compared to that awesome power, the challenges I face at work seem much more manageable! It’s also lovely that I find myself thinking of my friend with gratitude each time I pause for a “mindful moment”.

Among the sessions that offered staff ideas to help them grow from within were those devoted to wellness, building and strengthening interpersonal connections, some useful skills, and making a difference. From exercise, diet, and financial wellness, to collaborative relationships and conflict resolution. From technology tools and communication, to key aspects of servant leadership. The day provided many good choices and I heard lots of positive comments. I particularly enjoyed the keynote, servant leadership session, and yoga sessions I attended.

I was also happy to be one of the speakers at the event. I shared hints, tricks, and tips for enjoying Yosemite National Park in an updated version of a presentation I had provided several years ago. I was glad to have a good turnout and to hear many positive comments about that session. For me, time in nature is an important part of keeping my balance, honoring my values, and making time for what really matters. Along with meditation, music, and time with our loved ones, spending time in the natural world is one of my favorite things. I hope that many of my colleagues will take time to enjoy the beauty and peace of Yosemite and the Sierra, and return to work refreshed and with a new perspective.

Another aspect of supporting the growth of our staff that we’ve been spending time on lately is looking for ways to bring them together that help us all work better together as colleagues. Along with programs for staff-initiated professional development and leadership development being championed by our new CIO, we are talking about staff appreciation events that allow us to have some fun together, and about more focussed retreats and team-building sessions.

One aspect of these discussions that has caught me a bit by surprise is the challenges of planning these activities. These range from simple logistics, to how we can honor the preferences of different employees, and even concerns about how those who choose not to participate in optional events might be at a disadvantage. One of my colleagues raised this concern in the context that there have been “optional” events outside normal working hours in the past that employees didn’t feel were truly optional. Their perception has been that those who participated were looked on more favorably by management than those who chose not to.

I'm not entirely sure what answers will best address these concerns. I do think it will be important for us to find ways to make it clear that we truly do mean optional when we use that concept and to act consistently to demonstrate that this is true. There will be some optional activities that are purely meant to provide some fun way to express appreciation for employees' efforts and an invitation for optional participation in these should certainly not result in any specific disadvantage for those who choose not to participate.

That having been said, there may be advantages from participating in these activities, such as gaining a better understanding of, and comfort with, coworkers, and I don't think we'd want to avoid providing the activities simply because some employees gain these advantages and others choose not to. Similarly, there are other optional activities that could provide a significant advantage over time to those who show the initiative to participate. Some examples include pursuing the professional development activities we offer and volunteering to participate in collaborative activities with other departments on campus. While it is vital that we ensure equal access to these activities to all employees, and a fair and consistent selection process when not all volunteers can participate, I think it is OK for these to benefit employees who choose to engage and participate.

In the end, I’m convinced that life is most fulfilling and complete when we work to live instead of living to work. While work is one vital part of a balanced and meaningful life, and the opportunity to do meaningful work is very satisfying, my experience tells me that we are happiest and healthiest when the greater purpose of life is to act on the love we feel for our family, friends, and community, and on the wonder we experience in communion with the natural and spiritual elements of this world we share.

Looking back on the past week, I feel great appreciation for the learning and development staff that planned our staff training, appreciation, and recognition day and for the volunteers who made that day possible. Most of all I feel gratitude for my loved ones, and especially my wonderful partner Sue, for helping me continue to grow from within and for loving the man I am growing to be with each passing day.

“‘Seems to me,’ she'd said with a sigh to her father on the phone one day, ‘that the most important aspects of someone's life are the very things not listed in an index.’ There were never entries for ‘memory’, or ‘regrets’, or even ‘love,’ in the lowercase.” - Laura in Will Ferguson’s "The 419”

Today, we celebrate Memorial Day in the U.S. This isn’t one of my “Last 100 Mondays” at work so I won’t be publishing an essay in that series. Instead, I’ll write a few words about what this day means to me.

Memorial Day is set aside as a day when we honor those who died while serving in the United State's armed forces. I am thinking today of all those who have given their lives in service of our country and especially remembering the friends I lost who served in Vietnam. I was a boy watching them go to a part of the world I had never heard of before news of the war, and its casualties, became a daily part of our evening news. This is the first war I remember and the one that did the most to shape my understanding of war and of the sacrifices made by those who serve in the military and their families.

I am thinking of my friends and colleagues who fought in that war and returned home, and of my grandfather, father, father-in-law, and uncles, all of whom served without being killed or wounded. I am grateful for their service and very grateful they survived the wars they fought. I never served in the military, and I appreciate their service and the ultimate sacrifice made by all those who have lost their lives in our wars.

The Vietnam war ended less than one month before my 18th birthday and I never had to face the draft we’d come to fear. I believe we resort to violence, and war, far too often. It seems that we have chosen this course as a nation more frequently in recent years. Two of the five longest wars in our history, in Iraq and Afghanistan, have taken place in this new century. I think of my younger friends and colleagues who have served during these years and of those who have died in these wars.

I believe we should honor those who have given their lives in the service of our nation even when we do not always agree with the actions of our leaders who choose to go to war. I have found myself in this position often during my life. I believe we honor those who have given “the last full measure of devotion” best when we work to avoid war and the inevitable sacrifice of more young lives. I believe we honor those who make that sacrifice when we honor and care for the veterans who served beside them, and for the families left behind to mourn. I witnessed the shameful treatment of our Vietnam veterans, and we must learn from that national shame never to repeat this dishonorable chapter in our history.

The stone monuments we erect to honor our war dead are places of beauty, deep emotion, and reflection. Let our most meaningful and lasting memorial be the actions we take to honor them by truly benefiting from their sacrifices and from learning the lessons of war, and of peace.

In my family, we also observe Memorial Day by remembering our loved ones who are no longer with us. I am remembering my mother, my grandparents, my mother and father-in-law, aunts, uncles, and friends who have passed away. My memories of them are happy ones and I am grateful to have been surrounded by their love for so much of my life.

As I remember them today I am also thinking of the loved ones who I am so fortunate to share my life with today. They make my life sweet and beautiful, and they have been there for me when times are hard. Thanks to all these loved ones, mine has been a life filled with love and joy. May I be a source of love, joy, and strength for them. May we carry our love forward as we raise our families, and live our lives so as to be remembered someday with the same deep, warm, love we have for all these special people.

"To my way of thinking, a feminist is anyone who believes that men and women should be equal. That men and women should have equal rights. That men and women should have equal access to opportunity. That men and women should be paid equally for work of equal value and should be equally free from the threat of violence. Being a feminist simply means believing in equality." Angus McLintock in Terry Fallis' “The High Road”As I sit down to write today, I am thinking about a topic that is especially dear to my heart. Having been raised primarily by my mother and with my sisters, the essential strength, decency, intelligence, wisdom, compassion and fundamental value of girls and women in our society and the world has been self-evident to me for as long as I can remember. Having also grown up in a time, a culture, a society, and a profession that favors men in so many ways over women has left me puzzled, and troubled, for a very long time.

I am certain that women and men, girls and boys, are equally valuable in each of the qualities I list above and in many more. That we are all equally valuable as people. In a similar way, I am entirely certain that we are equally valuable across the many other dimensions of human variability including race, ethnicity, spiritually, gender identity, age, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, physical and intellectual abilities, political beliefs, and other characteristics and choices.

For me, then, our essential equality is a given. Accepting this as a fact, I can only be troubled by the many examples of inequality in the treatment of, regard and opportunity for, and attitudes toward so many of the persons with whom we share this planet. All of these unjustifiable inequalities trouble me. That we inflict them on women and girls, who represent approximately 50% of the human population of our planet, troubles me even more.

This is not to say that men and women, or members of other different groups, are the same. Indeed, our diversity of abilities, intelligences, perspectives, and personalities is one of the things that makes us stronger, and our lives richer, when we come together in teams and communities. The differences between groups, and the even greater differences between individuals across all these groups, are of great value. Yet, with all our differences, each of us is equally valuable in our potential to make a positive difference.

In essence, what I struggle against is the gap between the equality of our value to society, and ultimately to one another, and the inequality in the way we treat one another. Even more than inequality, I am troubled by the inequity I see in our different treatment of women and men. Equity involves trying to understand and give people what they need to flourish, contribute to society, and enjoy full, healthy lives. It is clear that the treatment of the vast majority of women remains inequitable.

I’ve asked those I lead to use a simple question to help them make good choices and decisions. “Is it right?” Clearly, when we examine our treatment of girls and women, and many other groups, the answer is “not yet.” Girls and women face a much greater risk of violence and poverty, and have less opportunity to learn, grow, and be rewarded for the value they provide than men. As a result, they are underrepresented in many academic disciplines, and professions, and among those in positions of power and influence.

We must take action to ensure changes in our societies that will result in right action toward women, girls, and others currently faced with inequity. We must work to insure equity in education, equity in opportunity, and equity in salary. We will have to spend some time convincing those who are underrepresented in our academic programs and professions, such as STEAM fields including IT, that these represent meaningful and attractive opportunities. We will have to evolve the culture in these areas to ensure women, girls, and others from underrepresented groups are truly welcomed, valued, and treated as equals.

We will have to adjust to the economic changes associated with salary equity. While the cost of increasing the salary and benefits for women to equal those offered to men will be substantial, I believe that the resulting increases in productivity and creativity will more than offset this cost over time. For too long we have treated women in ways that make it harder for them to reach their potential and make the contributions they are capable of making. We will all benefit from ending this inequity.

Me must truly honor the rich contributions women make in all aspects of life by valuing them equally and ensuring they are treated equitably. We must keep working to help change gender stereotypes and to highlight the wonderful examples that many women are providing as they achieve their potential and make great contributions in fields where they remain underrepresented. We also need to help change stereotypes that have discouraged men from sharing, and choosing, work traditionally done by women. By living in equity at home, we can help make our families and relationships stronger, and provide valuable role models for our children.

The less tangible benefits of acknowledging, and honoring, our equal value promise to be far greater. When our treatment of one another reflects real equity grounded in the essential equality of our value, then mutual respect, openness to one another's ideas and contributions, and true freedom to pursue our full potential will lift us all to greater heights together. We must eliminate the false constraints of inequity and embrace our full capabilities. I look forward to spending significant time in retirement working to make this a reality.

"Nobody works for you and you don't work for nobody. You only work with people." - Ed McCann of Petty Harbour, Newfoundland as quoted by Alan Doyle in his autobiography, "Where I Belong".

During the last week, I have had two colleagues ask me how I feel about the role I play at work and this lead us to having frank conversations about the fact that I have never much cared for the work I do as a manager. With these discussions fresh in my mind, I am choosing today to write about why this is, and how I’ve worked to balance my distaste for working as a manager with my appreciation for my colleagues and the deep gratitude I have for the opportunity to earn a good living and provide for my family.

It has also been very important to me that I’m doing a good job, and making a positive difference, and that I don’t allow the fact that I don’t enjoy significant aspects of the work to interfere with my achieving this. I know that people are relying on me, and I don’t want to let them down. My colleagues need me to bring my best ideas to our work together, and to do the hard work of managing as well as I do the work I enjoy more. My family is counting on me to do the work that earns our living, and to take care of myself in the process. They’re doing their part at home, and at school, and we take care of each other along the way.

I don’t want to give you the idea that there is nothing I find satisfying in my work. I have been called on to be a manager, a leader, a contributor, and a follower. Of all these, it’s the role of manager I’ve found most difficult. Leadership has allowed me to help my colleagues by framing a vision, with their input, and communicating that vision to the team, those we serve, and the executives whose support we needed. It was often hard work to do this, but it was usually satisfying, and energizing, work. Before I entered management some 15 years ago, I enjoyed my role as a contributor to the work of a team, and following clear direction to deliver what was needed. Management has called on me to do things that are much more difficult, and less satisfying.

For me, the hardest work in my career has been my work as a manager. It has been as a manager that I have worked to achieve our goals despite limited budgets and capacity, balanced competing priorities, and dealt with those who were disappointed, or angry, about the choices I was making. It is in this role that I have confronted the greatest amount of conflict in my career, and struggled to find ways to motivate employees who were dissatisfied with their own roles, and compensation, or who simply weren’t performing as needed. It is as a manager that I’ve had to address customers who were dissatisfied when the limitations we faced prevented us from meeting their expectations.

The hardest work of all has come when, as a manager, I’ve had to discipline employees whose performance, or behavior, wasn’t acceptable, and in some cases terminate an employee who wasn’t able to address these concerns. Equally difficult were those times when I’ve had to lay off employees, and close departments, because we no longer needed the services they provided. In some ways, this was even harder because it felt like we were letting good people go. I’m glad that I was able to find new positions for many, and wish I could have done that for all of them.

Managing makes me tired. I realized many years ago that I come away from this work with less energy, and I’ve taken steps to help myself recharge my batteries by balancing these tasks with other activities. So often, managing seems to have involved saying “no” to things when I wished I could say “yes”. It seems to have had so much to do with how we were limited and what we couldn’t do, and with the hard choices of budget and priority. Too often, I’ve had to ask employees to wait for a raise I knew they deserved, or for an opportunity to grow in their careers. Ultimately, managing has meant working outside of my greatest strengths as a person. The various personality assessments, including Myers-Briggs, DiSC and others we’ve used, make it clear that managing involves “working against type” for me. I can do this work effectively, but it involves a greater effort. No wonder it makes me tired!

Succeeding as a manager has meant finding ways to take a break from this hard work and then returning with new energy to continue the work effectively. I’ve used mediation, exercise, and reading to recharge. I regularly take time at lunch to write to my best friends as this refreshes me and helps me keep clear in my mind, and heart, what really matters. I appreciate that my role also allows some time for what I enjoy doing in my work. The good work of mentoring, coaching, and working together with colleagues to find answers and solutions gives me more energy than it consumes. Opportunities to spend some time on analysis, and helping people understand each other better and grow, also recharge my batteries. When I pursue these activities, I am working within type and this is where I find the greatest satisfaction in my work.

With all this in mind, it won’t come as much of a surprise that I didn’t set out to work in management. In fact, I didn’t set out to work in IT at all. Initially, I studied to become a winemaker as I felt that working to create something tangible was most likely to be satisfying. Ultimately, I graduated with a degree in psychology and was planning to practice and do research because I was motivated by helping people and understanding their emotions, and my own. Fortunately, when I couldn’t afford to continue my education and needed a better job, I found my way to IT. Starting as a computer operator on IBM 360 mainframes, I taught myself to program in assembler language and I was on my way. I enjoyed programming a lot!

After working in government and banking, I found my way to managing because I was asked to take on that role by my director at the university. I have always felt a responsibility to do what was needed of me so I agreed to take on this new challenge. I find it interesting to look back at my career here and see that I always advanced in my career by saying “yes” when asked to take on more responsibility. I never succeeded when I applied for a more senior role, but was always offered one some time later. Along they way, I realized that I didn’t want to be a CIO after all. Perhaps this was one of those situations when it was good for me that the answer to my requests was sometimes “no”.

In the course of my career, I’ve realized that both leadership and management are necessary to get the job done and that most leaders are also called on to manage. It just happens that one of these is easier for me than the other. When my colleagues learned that I don’t much care for my role as a manager, one of them asked me why I didn’t change careers to do something I found more enjoyable and rewarding. He wondered how I managed to make peace with the choice of staying with this work. Ultimately, my answer was to look at what I do from a different frame of reference. While I may not be very satisfied by many aspects of the work I do, I am very grateful for the opportunity it has given me to provide a good life for my family. Our circumstances made changing careers less attractive, and I had work I could do well that would allow us to enjoy the other aspects of our lives, help our sons pursue their goals, and earn a good retirement. I may not always like the work, but I am definitely glad to have had the career. I also remind myself frequently that this work is what I do, and not who I am.

In addition to this career helping me do what matters most of all in caring for, and spending time with, my loved ones, it has also given me opportunities to act on my caring about the people I work with, their well being and success. While I may not always like the work, I have been very fortunate to work with talented, caring, and wonderful people. The opportunities I have had to say "yes" to their requests for training, new responsibilities, and pay raises, and to their good ideas for improving our service to the university, shine out as bright spots in our work together. The positive difference we've made together makes me feel happy and proud. I hope I have served them well whenever I have had the opportunity. I know they have made the hard times easier, and the good times sweeter.

Most of all, I'm grateful that the hard work, the good work, and my contributions to making it possible for our students to achieve their educational goals have allowed me to care for my loved ones. There is something special about knowing that my honest efforts to do what is right have allowed us to live a good life together. The work has allowed me the time and resources to follow my passion and joy in this good life, and to grow as a person. I am grateful. As I wrote this, I was reminded of a poem I wrote some years ago about work, choices, and accepting accountability. The work is never over and I plan to keep forging my future in retirement. Clearly, this poem was also inspired by my work as a volunteer blacksmith in Wawona!

May the Work Honor the Worker

Jim Michael June 11, 2010

Like iron in the smith’s forge

We are heated by the fire of our passions

Love, Hate, Anger, Friendship, Grief, Desire

We are shaped by the hammer-blows of our actions

Each effort shaping

That next incarnation of our selves

Like water quenching iron

Our choices crystallize intention

Setting the shape and temper of our being

To find the fire that forms you

Look to your passions, barely controlled

Tend that incandescent glow with care

For friend, foe, and fortune all can feed the flame

If you seek the hand that shapes you

Know it is your own

Whatever forces sway you

Claim each blow you strike

And at each cusp of choice

Whether honoring Joy, despair, or stern resolution

Boldly own the union

Of still water and glowing iron

Watching the rising steam

Recognize that you have forged

Renewal, not finality

Soon your fire will claim you

Passion preparing

For transformation

The cycle continuing as you evolve

Growing to meet your purpose

Until the final transcendence

"No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star." - Edwin Hubbell Chapin

Today, I write the 50th in this series of essays and I’m about halfway through my journey of the last 100 Mondays before my retirement. I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to ready these words and I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement you have shared with me. I look forward to the last year of my career working in IT and to the new adventures that await me when it is over.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and I find myself thinking of my lovely mother and how she helped me become who I am today. Each day of my professional life, and even more significantly in my personal life, her gentle strength touches me in everything I do. From the first moments of my life she modeled strength, gentleness, intelligence, courage, and compassion. She guided my first steps and my first words and she helped me find my values.

As I grew, her love and acceptance were always there. When I fell as I was learning to walk, she picked me up, dusted me off, and helped me try again. When I made mistakes, or poor choices, as I was learning to be good man, she helped me learn from my missteps, and find my own right path. She helped me reject things that weren’t right for me while never making me feel rejected. Her strong, gentle, voice is with me still today, and it is a voice of integrity that helps me remember that, in the end, I simply need to find a way to do what is right with love. 

Mom and I shared many late nights talking through all the challenging issues I faced, and imagined, as a boy and young man, and she was ready to support and to challenge me. She helped me find the answers I needed, and to wait, as patiently as I could,  when no answers seemed good enough. I was a curious and questioning child and we also talked about philosophy, justice, religion, science, life, love, and just about everything else. I can’t remember her ever failing to find all the time for me that I needed.

I know there were times as a young man when some of my choices were hard for her to accept but I never had a reason to question her unfailing acceptance of me as a person, or her unfailing love. I’m sure that one of the hardest things I asked my loving mother to endure was a choice of partners that ultimately left us increasingly distant from one another for many years. My love for her was a constant companion for me through these years, and her love for me never wavered. She accepted that I had chosen this path for myself, and was always there for me even in the darkest times.

My failed marriage was followed by a new chapter in my life that brought me home again. When I wondered whether I’d be welcome, a very special woman gently said, “Call you mother. She wants to hear from you.” We were both welcomed home with open arms and my mother, and all the family, were thrilled to be part of the special day when we were married. I never knew until then how sweet life could be. I am so grateful that my dear Sue lead me home in time to have years to grow close to my parents and sisters again before mom died.

Mom helped me learn how to connect with others. I’ve had people tell me it seems that I can talk with anyone, and this is true largely because she helped me learn to listen, and to care about what people say to me. She helped me become the outgoing optimist that I appear to be while also being the somewhat shy person who needs quiet time to reflect, wonder, and rest from the world.  Even today, each decision I make is shaped by the steady loving way she raised me.

One of my great joys today is watching our sons as they have similar, very close, relationships with their mom. I have watched Sue provide the same kind of loving acceptance and wise guidance that I was lucky to have as a boy and young man. She is such a wonderful mother, and her approach to parenting has helped me be a better dad, and a better man. She has a simple, effective, approach that has served us all so well. She’s told me that the key is to decide what you want, and then guide your children in that way as they grow. To watch her do this in a gentle, firm, matter of fact way has been quite amazing. I’m so proud of the men our boys are becoming. The greatest part of the credit for this belongs to them, and to her.

I’m also feeling grateful today to my grandmothers who, each in a different way, filled my life with joy and love, and helped me become who I am. As I think of each of them, my heart is filled with a warm happiness, and my mind with so many happy memories. I am grateful to the mothers of friends who treated me as if I were one of their own, and to those sweet, strong, kind, and loving women, including my dear sisters, who are part of my life today as wonderful mothers and grandmothers, and as my friends. I am a lucky man indeed to be surrounded by such embodiments of love in action.

I mean no disrespect to the special men who have helped shape my life. My father, uncles, and friends have been very important to me, and there are a few, very special, men whose friendship is incredibly precious to me. Much as my mother does, they call me to be the best person I can be and I am grateful.

I have had both women and men mentors who have provided some similar kinds of guidance for me in my career, and their influence has also helped me grow as a person. I appreciate that they have each helped me find my own way instead of asking that I follow theirs. In my own mentoring and leadership, I am trying to honor their guidance by living my values, and helping others find the path that calls to them. In doing so, my mentors and I continue the work my mother started with me, and I aspire to honor her in this process.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. Today, and every day, is a day in my life made possible by my own mother, and graced by the gentle touch of her love. May I live these days in such a way that they will bring her joy and pride.

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you” - Kahlil Gibran from "The Prophet"

Today I am thinking about some of the advice and wisdom that my loved ones, friends and colleagues have been sharing with me about retirement. I am seeking their counsel, I appreciate their sharing their insights with me, and hope I will be open to benefitting from all they are sharing. I will chart my own course, make my own mistakes, reach my own goals, and be accountable for the results. Their generosity in sharing what they have learned with me will help to light my way.

The quote I chose to head today’s essay is one that I’ve particularly liked for many years and it contains the essence of advice I have received from several people.  “Let there be spaces in your togetherness”. This is part of Gibran’s advice on marriage from “The Prophet” and it seems very sound to me. My dear wife has been accustomed to spending only a small part of each day with me and, while these have been the very best part of my days, I can see how spending all day with each other on a regular basis wouldn’t leave us the space we each need to thrive and grow. While I am very happy about the prospect of having more time with her, I’m also making plans to make sure I can make good use of space and time for myself.

I am preparing a place for myself to work here are home by planning a small office in one corner of our guest room downstairs, This will provide me a quiet place to think, read, and write, room for my computer and some files, and for the rocks, shells, and other mementos that remind me of many happy memories. This will also be a comfortable place for me to practice most of the instruments I play and for singing and songwriting. As I’ve often used this space for recording music, it will be natural to continue doing that here, too. With the old rolltop desk I’ll be using, it will also be easy for me to tidy things away when friends and family come to visit. I’ll be happy to take a break from my office at these times in any case!

Another good piece of advice I have received is to make sure to have some plan for my time in retirement. I’m told this will help me have some of the structure I am used to while still allowing me all the spontaneity I’ll enjoy. I’m thinking about how to plan my time including time in that plan for work and play, and quiet times, together as well as for work and play, and quiet times, alone. I know that Gibran’s advice is also applicable to the close loving relationships I am fortunate to have with my family and special friends and I will be paying attention to how we can best enjoy more time together in retirement while allowing spaces in our togetherness.

I have also been advised not to shift gears too suddenly and to taper off from the relatively high stress of my current career as I begin retirement. Apparently, the body’s systems become accustomed to the chemicals associated with stress. I'm looking at good ways to reduce stress over time instead of all at once. The optimist in my character hopes this can begin at work over the next year but the realist isn't counting on that.

Those I trust tell me to expect this transition into retirement to take some time. They suggest I make an effort to be open to letting the process unfold as it will and to be ready to learn new things as it does. My ideas about retirement, and what I'd like to do, and the reality of this experience are likely to differ in some ways. I we be wise to watch for these and to expect them.

I am also advised to be prepared for surprises! My ideas about retirement are based on almost no experience with this new way of living and there will almost certainly be some puzzling, and delightful, surprises ahead. Except for vacations and holidays, which my dear ones assure me are a different thing entirely, my only significant time not working full time, or more, in the past 37 years is being unable to work due to illness in the first few months of 2014 and then slowly returning to work full time in the second half of that year. While one of the ways I coped with that time was to consider it practice for retirement, I certainly hope the real thing will find me much more able to act on my plans and ideas.

I will be ready to make adjustments in the plans I’ve made as I learn what ways of spending my time bring me the greatest joy, satisfaction, peace, and productivity. I expect to try some things that turn out great and others that teach me what I don't particularly want to do. I know that others will have ideas for how I could, or should, spend my time and I hope to be open to these but also open to saying no when they don't fit for me.

An insight I have experienced only recently is that there is power in the trust and respect I have for my loved ones and how I feel accountable to them. When I tell those I love, and my most trusted friends, what I plan to do, and what I value and believe, I am more likely to follow through with those plans and live those values. I will be keeping this in mind as I share my plans for retirement. I will also remember that my loved ones are routinely more gentle and supportive with me when I must change direction than I am with myself.

I am happy and excited about this next chapter in my life. It is only a bit more than one year away now. I look forward to talking more with my loved ones, friends, and colleagues who have started this chapter themselves and to learning from them as I make my plans and retire. Sometimes it is hard to be patient. With their help, I know I will be ready to turn this page.