"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” - Lao Tzu

Earlier this week, a colleague of mine and I were invited to spend some time with a group of staff who aspire to become managers. This has inspired me to share with you much of what I shared with them and to write about twice as much as usual this week.

Over lunch, we each shared our experiences in careers that lead us to management positions and some insights about working as managers. My colleague’s story provided an excellent example of how a person can make and follow a plan that leads them to achieve their career goals. He set out to serve in many different capacities in IT and to become a manager with a solid grounding in the work of those he would manage. I was fortunate to hire him as a member of our staff many years ago and to watch him develop into the wonderful manager he is today.

My story was a good counterpoint to my colleague's, as I never set out to work in IT or to become a manager! I can’t claim to have planned my course and I’m just grateful that I found my way to a career that has allowed me to provide a good living for my family. Where my colleague was the first in his family to graduate from college, my grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, and uncles were all college graduates. My sisters and I all graduated from college. While I had hoped for a career in music, and had even considered the ministry as a young man, I went to college with the original intention to earn a degree in enology, or wine making. While I could do the necessary chemistry, I didn’t enjoy that and I went on to change my major to psychology. I hoped to earn my doctorate, work as a clinical psychologist and do research.

I moved to a city where I could pursue my Master’s degree, but ran out of money before I could enter that program. Recently married for the first time, I needed to find a way to make more money than my job as a bank teller provided and I answered a newspaper ad that lead me to a job for county government as a computer operator on IBM 370-158 mainframes running VS-1. Working with punch cards and magnetic tape, I had started my career in IT. Within two years, I had taught myself to program in IBM assembler language and got a job as a programmer for a savings and loan data processing bureau.

Within a year, I was the senior programmer in my group as there were significant opportunities for advancement with this company and also some turnover as colleagues pursued new positions. This job gave me such wonderful opportunities to learn new skills and make a difference. I can remember making changes in a general ledger program that improved I/O efficiency to reduce the run time from 6 hours to less than an hour and working on conversions that saw me working straight through from 10 pm Friday to 6 am on Monday. This privately-held company was the only place I’ve worked where there was a technical career path that would allow technicians to reach a position with the company similar to that of a vice president.

After several years, my first mentor approached me about coming to work for him as a systems programmer on IBM mainframes for the company and I was excited to pursue this new opportunity. I started my work focusing on storage and migrating data from 3330 disk packs to the newer 3350 disk drives. I went on to work on many aspects of the MVS environment and this may be the best job I can remember having in my career.

After 8 ⅕ years with the company, I took a job at a local university that was migrating to a new IBM mainframe from their current Cyber environment. This gave me the opportunity to work with many additional mainframe technologies including OS/390, zOS, CICS, VTAM, VM, AIX, and VSE. I interviewed, and was hired, as a senior technician, but one week later I was asked to take on the role of supervisor for the group. While I had never had an interest in managing others, this turned out to be the first step toward my career as a manager that would start 11 years later.

After I spent time supervising mainframe systems programmers, and AIX, Solaris, and Windows server systems administrators, the Director of our department approached me to ask if I would join the management team. While I never aspired, or planned, to be a manager, this opportunity less than two years after my second marriage gave me the chance to help make a better life for my family and I gratefully accepted. Looking back, I find it interesting that every time I applied for a more responsible position in management, I failed. Every time I advanced in my career as a manager, it was because I was asked by senior leaders to take on a more responsible role! While I never wanted to be a manager, and it is not my calling, it has provided a very good living for our family.

Another key part of my development as a manager was my work with SHARE (www.share.org). This oldest of computer users groups, founded in 1955, provided me with wonderful opportunities to learn about managing people, budgets, and projects, working collaboratively with others, communicating effectively, and making well considered decisions. While my work with the data processing bureau was my favorite job, my work with colleagues as a SHARE volunteer has been the one most rewarding and satisfying part of my career in IT. My wife and I found cherished life-long friends there, too, and we’ll always be grateful for all SHARE has done for us.

After sharing the story of my career, I shared with our colleagues four of the most important lessons from my time as a manger. First, I talked with them about the importance of learning from others and of finding mentors to help us grow. I’ve had several wonderful mentors and I still think of my first mentor, Gary, often and ask myself what he would do in challenging situations.  I told them the story of my becoming a “real systems programmer”. Called in late one night to respond to a system problem, I found issues with our catalogs and worked my way through to a solution. After several steps that appeared to make things worse, I made a change that resulted in an improvement. From there, each step lead me closer to restoring normal service and I ultimately had the system running normally in time for our clients on the east coast to begin the business day.

I wrote up my incident report and walked it to the boss's office to leave for him before going home to get some sleep. Gary often arrived early, so I wasn’t very surprised to see him sitting at his desk. I handed him my report and waited as he read it over. He was a kind, very intelligent, but taciturn Minnesotan and I was surprised when he set the report down after reading it, stood and reached out to shake my hand. He looked me in the eye and said, “Congratulations. Now you are a systems programmer.” He explained that he’d hired me knowing I had a lot to learn and that a person isn’t really a systems programmer until they’ve “brought the system to it’s knees and gotten it running again.”

Gary taught me that it is OK to hire someone expecting them to grow into the job. To be ready to see potential and to have faith in people. Gary was the one who first sent me to SHARE knowing that it would help me grow. He also taught me that one very powerful decision-making tool is working to understand what is right and then choosing the option that comes closest to that. After sharing this story, I also shared Roy Disney’s wonderful words "It's not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are."

The second important lesson I shared is the very real value and power of diversity. I've worked for women, and people of different national and ethnic backgrounds. I've worked for bosses older and younger than I am, and for gay and lesbian leaders. I’ve lead teams including many different kinds of people and I’ve learned how very valuable it is to have, and listen to, the different perspectives, ideas, and experiences they have to offer.

I told the group about my opportunity to work with an executive who had been difficult for many others to work for because she demanded the best from people and expected good data and clearly developed proposals. Ultimately, we learned from each other. I learned about many aspects of management much as we elevate our chess or tennis games when we play against a more skilled player. I think she learned from me that she could safely show her deep compassion more often and more fully. I can’t imagine how hard she had to work, and the obstacles she faced as a woman and a Latina, to reach the senior position she held when we worked together. Appearing “soft” may have been a luxury she couldn’t afford at first. I know that I saw her express her innate kindness to others more often over the years I worked for her.

I talked with the group about the importance of equality and equity, and the great value of diverse ideas, opinions, perspectives. I also emphasized that, while we have important work to do to ensure equality and equity, the real value of diversity will not be found in sameness. We want to level the playing field, but we need to retain and honor the rich diversity of the players.

The third lesson I shared is the deep importance of work/life balance. To be our best at work, we need to be whole, well-balanced people. Having learned the hard way by losing months of my life to a stress-related illness, I guess this may have been a case of “Do as I say, not as I do.” I encouraged them to try to learn this lesson sooner and better than I did! I used the story of sending a highly-skilled technician home one Thursday afternoon with instructions not to log in to work on our systems until he returned to work on Tuesday. He was taken aback and I reassured him that his work was excellent, he would be paid, and that he was a highly-valued member of our team. My concern was that he had been working long hours six and seven days a week and I feared he’d burn out. His wife had only recently had their first child and I thought it was important that he go home and have some time to reconnect with them. When we talked the next week, he thanked me and said the long weekend had really helped him get his priorities in order.

We are more than our work and I shared a favorite story of Bill Russell responding to a reporter who asked what it was like to be Bill Russell the basketball player. He said "I’m not Bill Russell the basketball player. I am Bill Russell. A man who plays basketball". This subtle, and crucial, distinction is at the heart of the lesson that having a good balance means having stronger relationships, including with yourself, and that will enrich your life more than work every will.  Also, when it is time for the hard work, your loved ones can help you through in ways that no one else can.

I finally encouraged these aspiring managers to learn how important it is to build bridges and relationships. Ultimately, work is about what we can accomplish together and professional development takes place in relationship with our colleagues. These relationships aren’t always easy, but I’ve found that it is almost always worth the effort. I shared a story about a colleague I struggled with for many years and who I have finally found a good relationship with for which I am grateful. I also shared Abraham Lincoln’s wise words "I do not like that man. I must get to know him better"

After sharing a few thoughts about what is next for me as I look forward to retirement, and answering some questions, I encouraged my colleagues to care for each other, and to help each other find what’s right, and do that. I left them with a quote from the wonderful Canadian singer-songwriter, Harry Manx, "Wisdom follows kindness and we know that for sure."

"Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” - Hans Christian Andersen"

As today is a holiday, this is not one of my Last 100 Mondays, and I’ll be writing a bit less this Independence Day. I am grateful for the freedom we enjoy and for the efforts of all those who have fought, protested, worked, and died to gain, protect and enhance our freedom. I read the Declaration of Independence again today and I imagine Thomas Jefferson would be glad that we continue to challenge inequality.

When he wrote “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” I believe he meant “men” in the universal sense of all human beings. At times I’ve substituted “people” and I like a friend’s suggestion that this can simply be read as “all are created equal”.

Clearly, we have a lot of work still to do to realize these truths in the day-to-day lives of people in our nation. While created equal, not everyone is treated equally. The work to secure equal rights for women, all races and ethnicities, spiritual beliefs, gender orientations, abilities, ages, etc must go on.

We also have a lot of work to do to ensure that immigrants and refugees are treated as equal. Among the issues that Jefferson raises in the declaration with regard to the actions of King George are that “He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.” While times have changed and the need to populate the US has passed, there are still many who would treat immigrants and refugees as less deserving of freedom as others.

When Abraham Lincoln addressed the people at Gettysburg in November of 1863, he spoke of the need to work for “a new birth of freedom - that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” Some four years earlier, in a letter to Henry L. Pierce, Lincoln, declining an invitation to speak at an event in Boston to honor Jefferson’s birthday, wrote that "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves” and that Jefferson had defined in the Declaration of Independence, “an abstract truth, applicable to all men and all times, and so to embalm it there, that to-day, and in all coming days, it shall be a rebuke and a stumbling-block to the very harbingers of re-appearing tyranny and oppression.” We must continue the work to honor this truth today and every day.

As we celebrate this 4th of July, let us celebrate our diversity and the freedom we have to remain ourselves as we come together to create this rich and vibrant nation. When we take a coin, or a dollar bill, with its image of the Great Seal of the United States, from our pockets, we are handling something that should remind us of a de facto motto of our nation. E Pluribus Unum - Out of many, one. So, while we celebrate our freedom today, let's remember to keep working to make sure we share it equally with everyone!

I’ll end my reflections today with a quote from John Muir’s “My First Summer in the Sierra” that describes one of my own favorite ways to enjoy our freedom. "Another glorious Sierra day in which one seems to be dissolved and absorbed and sent pulsing onward we know not where. Life seems neither long nor short, and we take no more heed to save time or make haste than do the trees and stars. This is true freedom, a good practical sort of immortality.”

"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.” - John F. Kennedy

I realized early this week that it was about 38 years ago I started working full time after a series of part-time jobs that had helped me make some money starting in junior high and lasting through college. While I’ve sometimes held a second job in those 38 years, to help make ends meet, I’ve never been out of work. For that I am very grateful.

During my career, I’ve had advantages because I was a man, because I was white and, at times, because I was young. While I appreciate the opportunities I’ve had, I also recognize that the advantages I enjoyed were accompanied by disadvantages for others. I find myself thinking again today of the importance of equity, equality and diversity. I sincerely believe that we all do better when we ALL do better. A society that embraces and values the richness that diversity offers us, and that works to correct the inequality and inequity faced by members of some groups, is a society that will benefit us all.

Whether we consider gender, ethnicity, race, age, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, ability, or our diversity of experiences, learning styles, national origins, cultures, and opinions, I believe we need to work to make some differences matter less, and ultimately not at all, and to recognize the value of others in enriching our shared experience. We need to embrace the diversity that makes us stronger together and learn to recognize how unimportant the differences are that we still allow to divide us.

Many of the ways that we are diverse have the potential to enrich our lives and allow us to achieve more together than if we were all more similar. Some of the difference between us should matter more than they do today as we recognize how they allow us to benefit from a broader set of ideas, feelings, perspectives, and awareness. While we seek to “level the playing field” to eliminate inequality, we must also value those differences that make us better together. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tells us that, “We need societies that recognize diversity as a source of strength and not of weakness…When diverse ways of seeing and thinking come together, they spark creativity.”

We must continue to recognize diversity as a valuable engine for creativity and innovation as we build the teams that will help solve problems, and recognize opportunities, for a better shared future. Research has provided evidence that diverse teams can help create the kind of creative disruption needed for innovation. For example, data shows that firms with women in top management roles show greater “innovation intensity”, and demonstrate improved problem solving, coordination, and logical analysis. By including an effective variety of people from different backgrounds across many aspects of diversity, and ensuring these diverse voices are heard and heeded, organizations can achieve a competitive advantage and make a greater difference.

Of course, we must also take effective action to eliminate the differences that divide us. As a society, we allow some differences to matter in ways that they simply should not. When we treat another as less than, disrespecting or discounting them as  “other”, we are allowing meaningless distinctions to make a negative difference.

In the most current analysis from the World Economic Forum, the time it will take for women to achieve parity in the workforce has increased from 80 years to 117 years in 12 months. Far from recognizing the value created by including women in leadership, we are losing ground in our efforts to address inequity. This is a crisis of social injustice and a waste of knowledge, experience, and insights that we cannot afford if we are to thrive together. Among the steps we must take immediately is to ensure that women are fairly represented in succession planning for leadership positions.

The issue of equality and equity for women and girls is one that matters a great deal to me personally. At the same time, similar issues exist for many other aspects of diversity where we allow essentially meaningless differences to interfere with justice, including fair employment practices, and impair the progress we can make together. We do not offer the same kinds of educational, employment, and economic opportunities at the same frequency to all people regardless of irrelevant distinctions. We all lose as a result of these inequities.

Current research in anthropology can help us recognize some of the challenges we face as we seek to address these issues. In a recent article, anthropologist and behavioral economist Tinna Nielsen discusses research that shows “we are unable to see economic inequality, largely in part because of our environment and a tendency to cluster socially with people who are similar to us in terms of income, status or education, for example.” It isn’t that we don’t wish to address the issues of inequality, it is that we are often unable to truly confront them because we do not perceive them accurately. To me, this strengthens the argument that we need to include those from underrepresented groups in processes intended to identify and correct inequality and inequity. We need their perspectives to correct for our own blindness to the issues.

We can’t get the change we need by continuing to do things as we always have. There will be short-term economic and social accommodations required to allow systems, and people, to adjust to these changes at a practical level. It is likely that cultural change will take longer and that some transitions may require generations to be fully incorporated into our organizational, regional, and national cultures. I am convinced that the ultimate impact of our truly embracing diversity will be overwhelmingly positive for individuals, organizations, nations, and the entire human family.

For now, we will need to continue to work to embrace true diversity, and there is a great deal of work yet to be done. Given the time required to achieve the benefits of change, we have every reason to begin making the necessary changes immediately and to redouble the efforts already underway. My idealist optimism still leads me to hope that one day people will embrace diversity as naturally as they breathe, or smile, and find it absurd that anyone would be considered less than, or “other”, because of the differences that make our world family richer. That one day we will see our differences as fundamentally valuable because they are.

"It is not biology that determines fatherhood. It is love." - Kristin Hannah in "The Nightingale"

Today, I am thinking about Father’s Day and fatherhood. My first thought on this subject is how very grateful I am to my wonderful Sue, and to our two boys, for giving me the opportunity to be a father. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a dad and they have all made this experience even more remarkable than I’d ever imagined it would be. They have been patient with my failings and generous with their love. I’m so glad for the times we’ve had as a family laughing, talking, traveling, and simply living in the home we’ve made together.

For me, being a father has meant doing my best every day to be part of our son’s lives, to provide a good example as a role model, and to be a true partner with their mother in supporting the family we share, and in raising our children. As our sons have grown, our relationships have changed over time. When they were younger, there were times when it was easier to be close, to play, and cuddle. As they’ve grown, some natural space has developed as they take greater control of their lives, cherish their privacy, and form their own values and opinions. Sometimes when I have been ready to be closer, they have chosen to keep the distance between us that they needed. I respect that need and their choice. I have missed that closeness and I am happy that a new and different closeness eventually begins to emerge as we form our adult relationships.

Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently. The days I came home tired and discouraged and wasn’t as available as my wife and sons needed me to be took their toll. While I believe I am a loving and patient man, my patience is far from perfect. I know the love I feel for them has always been there, but I fear it may not always have shown through. I think I gave too much deference and respect to the need for our boys to have good relationships with their biological father. I wish now that I had worked harder to find more ways to make special close time with them and taken more risks that these might impact their father’s right to be close.

Some of the hardest moments were those when it was clear I should have been more than I was for my family. Some of the lost opportunities for closeness are clearly my fault and I regret that. I continue working to help the adult relationships we have today grow closer. As I look at my fathering with a critical eye, I also try to remember the times we’ve spent together, the talks we’ve had about things that interested them and even things that didn’t but that mattered anyway. I remind myself of the help I've given them, of the special times we’ve had in wilderness, in museums, and just having fun together. We’ve been lucky and I’m glad our sons start their adult lives without student loan debts. I remember the hugs; especially when they were little and not so shy about that. I have room to improve, but I do think I’ve been a good father.

I feel deep gratitude that each new day brings another chance to bring my best self to fathering our sons. They are young adults now and their needs are different. I want to be aware of these needs, looking for how I can help meet those I can, and for how I can help them grow to meet their own needs. I will be watching to try to understand what they need from their father as we grow together and working to be that man for them.

I am so grateful for our sons’ senses of humor! From reading these essays, you will know that I am a man given to introspection. Laughter is a wonderful counterbalance for this tendency. I love the laughter and joking we share. Some of our conversations on long drives together are pretty amazing! A favorite story of mine is about a change of title. I had earned the title of “Keeper of all useless bits of knowledge” in our family because of my tendency to remember trivial and obscure things. Once day, our youngest son referred to me by accident as the “Useless keeper of all bits of knowledge” and we all laughed pretty hard at that. The new title has stuck with me and I know they use it with love. Fathering has definitely helped to keep me humble!

I am thinking today of my father and my grandfathers. I remember my father’s father as a tall, white-haired man who was kind to me. My memories of him are faint and few as he died when I was very young. I remember my mother’s father as a kind, gentle man who spent many hours with me as a boy. I would sit on his lap and he’d do things to make me laugh, or we’d go down to the train station or the river to watch the trains and boats. He died before my teenage years but my memories of him are strong and so are the lessons in love and gentleness that I learned from him.

I am glad that my father is still part of my life today and that I still get to make new memories with him. He was a hard-working father who was often away from home, and he was always looking for the next opportunity to make more of his life. I remember him tucking me in at night and telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be, and that he’d support me no matter what I chose. We didn’t always agree, and I learned some things that I didn’t want to do by watching him, just as I know my sons will have learned that way from me. At the same time, he did support me even when he didn’t agree with all my choices. I’m glad we grew together through the hard years and found a way to form a stronger friendship as adults. In the end, I love him and loved my grandfathers.

I am thinking of my dear friend, Martin, and what a fine man, father, and grandfather I see in him. I have watched him stay close to his daughters and share so many things with them. We live quite a distance apart and have chatted over the Internet for years between visits together. I love that, as we did, he was staying close with his daughters at college by chatting just about every day. It seems there’s is a closeness that has stayed strong through the years. With each new change in their lives, he has been there for them with love and support, sharing himself and his values as they grow and respecting their choices as women. I am filled with joy to watch him experience the wonder of being a grandfather! The light in his eyes when he is with his grandson is so beautiful.

I hope that I will continue to grow as a father in the years ahead and I would love to have the opportunity to be a grandfather. Should either of my sons be fathers one day, I know they will have learned some of what not to do from my mistakes. I hope I have also been an example that will teach them something about what a positive influence a father can be in the lives of his children. We see echoes of me in our sons. Some of these make me very happy, some make me laugh, and some give me pause, and reason to provide more guidance to help them overcome things they have learned from me.

Reflecting on these things also makes me very grateful that Sue is such a wonderful mother. I know I have helped raise our sons to be the fine men they are. I know that Sue has done the most to make this true.

This has turned out to be a long essay! I find it much easier to see clearly how wonderful mothers and grandmothers are in our lives. I struggle more as I try to understand and express the impact of fathers. I’m sure this is partly because I am one myself and keenly aware of my challenges as well as my strengths. Perhaps if the mothers and grandmothers in my life were to write of motherhood, their essays would be longer than mine.

Our children learn from what they see us do, more than from what they hear us say. The way I have spoken and acted with them, and in their presence, will form part of the standards they set for themselves and some part of the still small voice they carry with them. With all my imperfections, I hope the legacy I leave them will serve them well. I hope they will carry the love I have for them, and for their mother with them all their lives.

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind." - Henri Frederic Amiel

Today, I find myself thinking of the times when I am quiet and I wonder what those around me see at these times, and what they think. I remember times sitting quietly with a beloved friend and wondering what they were thinking and experiencing. Sometimes, I find myself balanced between wanting to gently ask “What are you thinking?” and not wanting to intrude into their quiet moments. I feel myself wanting to grow closer by understanding more of my loved ones’ thoughts and feelings. I also feel myself wanting to respect their privacy and honor their choosing to be quiet.

I am thinking of all the times my lovely partner has asked me “What are you thinking?” and I feel deep gratitude that she always asks this with a genuine desire to know me more completely. She is one of those who can easily see when I am troubled, and can ask this gently as a way of offering comfort and support. Most often she asks with loving curiosity as a way of welcoming me to connect with her. She has never asked in a way that made me feel she was trying to judge or manipulate my thoughts or feelings. I’ve experienced that in the past and I am glad that it’s been many years since I felt the sense of mistrust and intrusion that can come along with an unloving questioning of my inner life.

I ask questions like “What are you thinking?”, too, and I believe I ask them with the same gentle respect, and an invitation to trust. It can be part of the communication that is so important to genuine emotional intimacy. Still, sometimes, I don’t ask. Not all silences need to be broken and sometimes the most intimate, loving, and respectful thing I can do is to let the quiet alone. As I sit quietly with loved ones, I can find myself wondering if this time theirs is a peaceful quiet, or disquiet? If I am relatively sure there is something troubling someone I care for, I am more likely to ask in hopes that I can be some help or comfort. Even then there is a moment of choice. The more I sense a need for privacy, the less likely I am to drop that first pebble into the the still pond of silence.

I am very grateful for the wonderful healing that can be found in quiet times. In quiet, we can connect with who we are. We may simply experience the beauty and peace around us, especially in nature or when we are quiet with loved ones, or heal the raw places and weave in the frayed, unraveled threads in the tapestries of our lives. These times are precious. I’ve found joy, looked for answers, and sought healing in quiet many times in my life and remembering this helps me to value and honor the silence of others.

I have a deep desire to respect another's choice to spend time quietly and to honor their desire, or need, for this time. It’s part of wanting to respect their privacy and all their individual choices. Some who know me may read this and wonder if I am ever quiet! I do talk a lot. Much of my talking with those closest to me is meant to enjoy the closeness we share, and to grow closer still. Sometimes my talking in less intimate settings, while honest, is shaped to meet the needs of the situation when my own needs would be better served by silence. Those who know me best see through the masks I wear to play my roles in life, and it is with these dear ones I can most easily be quiet. I admit it is something I have needed to learn and that I expect I will continue learning while I live.

Still, if a loved one were quietly hurting, I would wish to find a way to let them know that I would welcome the opportunity to help. To be trusted with the confidence that all is not well. Perhaps at times the best comfort would be for them to have me there to share the quiet, knowing that they are having a tough time. Sometimes just to have someone close, even to squeeze your hand or pat your shoulder, can make such a difference. A gentle touch can be a great way to help bring relaxation in good times and bad without disturbing the quiet. Maybe that's part of the reason foot rubs, and such, are so popular at our house!

There may be times when it would help to to talk things through with a friend. Other times, having a loving ear to simply listen to our cares is what we need most. I pay attention to my desire to speak and I’ve been learning over the years to recognize when it’s best to keep silent. My undergraduate degree is in psychology and I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I’d found the money for graduate school and worked in the healing professions instead of in IT. I am honored when my dear ones trust me with whatever is weighing on their minds and I do my best to walk softly with them only as far into their disquiet as they are comfortable traveling together.

Some of my own most difficult quiet times are spent considering my regrets. Especially feelings of regret over those hard things in my life that I can’t make right. Sometimes I must accept that we can’t go back to how it was, and we wish it could be again, but only go forward in the best way that we can find. I know that I’m not unique in this and I imagine many of us spend some of our quiet moments looking for the best answers to these hard questions. When there is still a way to make amends, quiet can help me accept the need to do this, and find the actions that can heal an old hurt I’ve caused. Especially when there is no way to make things right, forgiveness seems to be one of the most powerful options. I have the option of forgiving those who have hurt me, and the much more difficult choice of forgiving myself for harm I’ve caused. I find that quiet times are vital to my ability to find, and accept, forgiveness.

As I think of my loved ones, I know that I am ready to help, if I can, as they find their way through the hard work of regret, forgiveness, grief, and the other challenges in our lives. I can respect their need for quiet when they are seeking healing and answers in silence. I’m also ready to give my strength and love when leaning on me will help. It is an honor when my loved ones are willing to place some of their burden on my shoulders and trust me to carry it with them. I imagine walking with them down the beach and seeing the depth of their footprints growing less as the weight passes from them.

I can also recognize that sometimes peace and quiet is simply that, or a way to recharge our batteries. I’m glad that, very often, quiet may contain curious, or happy, thoughts, and sweet, deeply felt, emotions. We can simply sit quietly together enjoying the peace and warmth of one another’s loving company. We can share a smile, or a touch, to communicate our shared contentment. We can choose to speak, or ask gently, and share the fruits of silence with our loved ones. I’m grateful for these times when quiet contains not a burden to be lightened but a joy that might grow in the sharing.

I look forward to sharing even more time for talk and laughter, and for quiet times together, with my loved ones in retirement. I hope I can grow to be even more of a trusted friend to these special ones. To help ease their sorrows and amplify their joy. I know that growing closer with them will be an especially precious part of my growing as life goes on.


(Thinking back to my interest in psychology, one of the books that I often share with others is “The Healing Connection” by Irene Stiver and Jean Baker Miller. I find the ideas they advance about how we become ourselves in relationship with others very valuable and their suggestions about how to avoid “disconnects” helpful.)

"They did not measure their joy in goods sold, their egos in bank balances, nor their loves in what they cost.” - John Steinbeck of Mack and the Boys in Cannery Row

Today, I find myself looking back at the day-long celebration at our university last week devoted to recognizing our staff and the importance of their having access to opportunities for appreciation, recognition, and professional development. This is the sixth year we’ve set aside a special day for this purpose and it was our 50th annual staff awards luncheon. I realize that I’ve attended more than half of these! I’m grateful to work at a place that makes it a priority to support the growth of employees and to recognize their accomplishments.

I was especially inspired to write about this day by the theme of this year’s event, “Developing from Within”, and the sub-themes of growing, learning, celebrating, contributing, promoting, developing, and serving. I very much liked the emphasis this year on how we can seek to balance the stress and demands of our work with activities that support physical, emotional, and mental wellness, and with opportunities both to make a difference and to recognize that we are.

I think it is vitally important to pay attention to how we can keep our balance in situations where we must deal with high rates of change, demanding deadlines and expectations, and limited resources. Especially for my colleagues in IT, these have been nearly constant characteristics of our work lives and they can be very challenging. I was grateful this past week to hear speakers emphasize strategies and concepts that will help us all have patience with ourselves and others, strive to bring our best to our work while accepting that with innovation comes the need to accept, and learn from, failure, and to be ready to ask for, and accept, help from our colleagues.

As I think about this need for balance this morning, I’m remembering a technique a dear friend shared with me to take 30 seconds for a “mindful moment” from time to time during the day. I’ve been practicing this and find that it helps me quickly get back on track when stress and chaos begin to loom large in my day. I particularly liked a metaphor they shared that keeping our balance can be like moving with the waves in the ocean. I spent hours as a young man enjoying the surf. Keeping my balance as the waves rolled by, and diving through them when necessary, is an idea that feels natural to me. I find it helpful to remember that I was able to thrive in an environment where my power was vanishingly small compared to the power of the ocean, to be able to embrace that power, and surf in its beauty. Compared to that awesome power, the challenges I face at work seem much more manageable! It’s also lovely that I find myself thinking of my friend with gratitude each time I pause for a “mindful moment”.

Among the sessions that offered staff ideas to help them grow from within were those devoted to wellness, building and strengthening interpersonal connections, some useful skills, and making a difference. From exercise, diet, and financial wellness, to collaborative relationships and conflict resolution. From technology tools and communication, to key aspects of servant leadership. The day provided many good choices and I heard lots of positive comments. I particularly enjoyed the keynote, servant leadership session, and yoga sessions I attended.

I was also happy to be one of the speakers at the event. I shared hints, tricks, and tips for enjoying Yosemite National Park in an updated version of a presentation I had provided several years ago. I was glad to have a good turnout and to hear many positive comments about that session. For me, time in nature is an important part of keeping my balance, honoring my values, and making time for what really matters. Along with meditation, music, and time with our loved ones, spending time in the natural world is one of my favorite things. I hope that many of my colleagues will take time to enjoy the beauty and peace of Yosemite and the Sierra, and return to work refreshed and with a new perspective.

Another aspect of supporting the growth of our staff that we’ve been spending time on lately is looking for ways to bring them together that help us all work better together as colleagues. Along with programs for staff-initiated professional development and leadership development being championed by our new CIO, we are talking about staff appreciation events that allow us to have some fun together, and about more focussed retreats and team-building sessions.

One aspect of these discussions that has caught me a bit by surprise is the challenges of planning these activities. These range from simple logistics, to how we can honor the preferences of different employees, and even concerns about how those who choose not to participate in optional events might be at a disadvantage. One of my colleagues raised this concern in the context that there have been “optional” events outside normal working hours in the past that employees didn’t feel were truly optional. Their perception has been that those who participated were looked on more favorably by management than those who chose not to.

I'm not entirely sure what answers will best address these concerns. I do think it will be important for us to find ways to make it clear that we truly do mean optional when we use that concept and to act consistently to demonstrate that this is true. There will be some optional activities that are purely meant to provide some fun way to express appreciation for employees' efforts and an invitation for optional participation in these should certainly not result in any specific disadvantage for those who choose not to participate.

That having been said, there may be advantages from participating in these activities, such as gaining a better understanding of, and comfort with, coworkers, and I don't think we'd want to avoid providing the activities simply because some employees gain these advantages and others choose not to. Similarly, there are other optional activities that could provide a significant advantage over time to those who show the initiative to participate. Some examples include pursuing the professional development activities we offer and volunteering to participate in collaborative activities with other departments on campus. While it is vital that we ensure equal access to these activities to all employees, and a fair and consistent selection process when not all volunteers can participate, I think it is OK for these to benefit employees who choose to engage and participate.

In the end, I’m convinced that life is most fulfilling and complete when we work to live instead of living to work. While work is one vital part of a balanced and meaningful life, and the opportunity to do meaningful work is very satisfying, my experience tells me that we are happiest and healthiest when the greater purpose of life is to act on the love we feel for our family, friends, and community, and on the wonder we experience in communion with the natural and spiritual elements of this world we share.

Looking back on the past week, I feel great appreciation for the learning and development staff that planned our staff training, appreciation, and recognition day and for the volunteers who made that day possible. Most of all I feel gratitude for my loved ones, and especially my wonderful partner Sue, for helping me continue to grow from within and for loving the man I am growing to be with each passing day.

“‘Seems to me,’ she'd said with a sigh to her father on the phone one day, ‘that the most important aspects of someone's life are the very things not listed in an index.’ There were never entries for ‘memory’, or ‘regrets’, or even ‘love,’ in the lowercase.” - Laura in Will Ferguson’s "The 419”

Today, we celebrate Memorial Day in the U.S. This isn’t one of my “Last 100 Mondays” at work so I won’t be publishing an essay in that series. Instead, I’ll write a few words about what this day means to me.

Memorial Day is set aside as a day when we honor those who died while serving in the United State's armed forces. I am thinking today of all those who have given their lives in service of our country and especially remembering the friends I lost who served in Vietnam. I was a boy watching them go to a part of the world I had never heard of before news of the war, and its casualties, became a daily part of our evening news. This is the first war I remember and the one that did the most to shape my understanding of war and of the sacrifices made by those who serve in the military and their families.

I am thinking of my friends and colleagues who fought in that war and returned home, and of my grandfather, father, father-in-law, and uncles, all of whom served without being killed or wounded. I am grateful for their service and very grateful they survived the wars they fought. I never served in the military, and I appreciate their service and the ultimate sacrifice made by all those who have lost their lives in our wars.

The Vietnam war ended less than one month before my 18th birthday and I never had to face the draft we’d come to fear. I believe we resort to violence, and war, far too often. It seems that we have chosen this course as a nation more frequently in recent years. Two of the five longest wars in our history, in Iraq and Afghanistan, have taken place in this new century. I think of my younger friends and colleagues who have served during these years and of those who have died in these wars.

I believe we should honor those who have given their lives in the service of our nation even when we do not always agree with the actions of our leaders who choose to go to war. I have found myself in this position often during my life. I believe we honor those who have given “the last full measure of devotion” best when we work to avoid war and the inevitable sacrifice of more young lives. I believe we honor those who make that sacrifice when we honor and care for the veterans who served beside them, and for the families left behind to mourn. I witnessed the shameful treatment of our Vietnam veterans, and we must learn from that national shame never to repeat this dishonorable chapter in our history.

The stone monuments we erect to honor our war dead are places of beauty, deep emotion, and reflection. Let our most meaningful and lasting memorial be the actions we take to honor them by truly benefiting from their sacrifices and from learning the lessons of war, and of peace.

In my family, we also observe Memorial Day by remembering our loved ones who are no longer with us. I am remembering my mother, my grandparents, my mother and father-in-law, aunts, uncles, and friends who have passed away. My memories of them are happy ones and I am grateful to have been surrounded by their love for so much of my life.

As I remember them today I am also thinking of the loved ones who I am so fortunate to share my life with today. They make my life sweet and beautiful, and they have been there for me when times are hard. Thanks to all these loved ones, mine has been a life filled with love and joy. May I be a source of love, joy, and strength for them. May we carry our love forward as we raise our families, and live our lives so as to be remembered someday with the same deep, warm, love we have for all these special people.