"In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements compared with what we owe to the help of others." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer in "Letters and Papers from Prison"

By this time next week, I will be retired. I plan to write one more essay then to reflect on the loved ones who make my life so very special, and to look forward to the years of retirement ahead. Today, I’m looking back to thank my loved ones, mentors, friends, and colleagues for all they’ve done to help me throughout my career. They’ve helped me grow, professionally and personally. They’ve helped me through the hard times by being there for me with compassion, encouragement, comfort, and advice. They’ve increased my joy and peace in the good times, making them sweeter by sharing them with me.

I am a very fortunate man. I have spent the past 40 years or so working with people of good character who have made these working years more rewarding, and satisfying. With their intelligence and wisdom, they have taught me. Helping me gain the skills and knowledge I needed to program, configure, and maintain the computers I’ve worked with, and to become an effective manager and leader for the people who share this work. With their creativity and skill, they have been my partners in solving the fascinating, and frustrating, problems we’ve faced, and in finding solutions to improve the services we’ve offered.

With their patience, compassion, and courage, they have stood with me as we survived lean times, layoffs, and other crises in the workplace. With their strength and humanity, they have helped me through personal loss and illness. They have encouraged me in my efforts to find a way to do the demanding work I must while learning to manage the stress that threatened my health. With their gentle kindness, they have helped me celebrate milestones in my career, and shared the joy and satisfaction of our accomplishments together.

This past Wednesday, my great colleagues at the university came together to host a very moving, and fun, celebration of my years here, and to wish me well in my retirement. I was touched by the many kind and lovely things they had to say about me, my work, and my influence on them and our shared mission. I’ve always found it difficult to accept praise. Given how much I trust and admire these fine people, I did my best to simply appreciate, and believe, their kind words. As one of my very best friends wrote to me about this special time, I will treasure the memory of that afternoon, and “remember all those true and kind words”. It was all that I could have hoped for, and more. I am deeply grateful and happy. I will miss these people and look forward to seeing them again.

I have grown with the guidance of several wonderful mentors over the years. Their insightful questions, helpful challenges, abiding confidence, and enduring impact on my choices have helped me grow in every aspect of my professional life. Their examples have also served to shape my approach to my personal life and relationships. They have helped me learn to do the work I must while honoring my deep commitment to the loved ones who are my reason for working. I have also had the opportunity to mentor many great colleagues over the years, and I know I have gained at least as much from the time we’ve shared together as they have. As I have helped them learn about themselves, they have taught me so much.

My many years as a volunteer with SHARE (www.share.org) remain one of the best things I’ve done in my professional life. Learning with my friends and colleagues there was so satisfying as we worked together to provide enterprise computing professionals with the best training, networking, and opportunities to influence the industry. Volunteering there gave me valuable experience, and I found lifelong friends in the process. I first learned each skill I was to use as a manager at the university as a volunteer with the SHARE projects, and as a member of their board of directors. We worked so well together, and with such respect and dedication. When the work was over, we played well together, too. Some of our best travel opportunities over these years were thanks to my work at SHARE!

Throughout these years of work, I’ve enjoyed the company of many wonderful friends. They have helped make the good times better, and the hard times easier. We come together in our shared enjoyment of making music, making things from wood and iron, and making beer. We come together in a shared commitment to volunteering at SHARE and Yosemite National Park, and in the work we shared together at the university. We come together in our local community, and across the miles. As the years of working in my profession come to an end, I know the friendships that have helped make these years wonderful will continue into retirement.

I am especially thankful for my family, and all my loved ones. It is with them that I find my greatest joy, satisfaction and love. They are the ones whose love and strength have sustained me in my darkest hours, and the ones with whom I share, and who bring me, my greatest times of happiness and peace. My sisters, brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, nieces, nephew, and their families. The special beloved friends who have become family, and family that have become dear friends to me. As I look forward to retirement, having more time with these dear ones, and my dearest beloveds, is what I hope for most.

Of all my good fortune, the best part of my luck is having found my wonderful Sue, and our raising our two fine sons together. With her, I have become my best self. She has made it safe for me to offer myself at my best, and challenged me in the most wonderful ways to grow and flourish in love. I am so very proud of the fine person that she is. Of her creative fire, deep strength and compassion, fine intelligence, gentle wisdom, and warm strong love. I am so happy with her. I am so proud and grateful for our sons. They are strong, funny, kind, and dedicated to doing what is right. They are good men who are growing in their goodness. I am a very lucky man to be part of this family.

I look forward to sharing love and wonder with my beloved friends and family as we continue to grow together in the years ahead. Walking in the forests and the mountains, and along the shores. Gazing up at the stars, and into the faces of our loved ones. Sharing the joy that is ours as we come together, and the sweet memories we make. May the happy times when our laughter rings together filling the air with music, and the quiet times when the deep comfort of our love brings us contentment and tranquility, fill these years ahead with joy.

I also took a moment this weekend to record a version of John Hartford's wonderful song, "In Tall Buildings". You can find that recording on YouTube at https://youtu.be/b1PUKyhB2c4 I surely am looking forward to retirement and coming home!

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"It seems that perfection is attained not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Two weeks from today, I will be celebrating Memorial Day as a retired man. As I look forward to that new adventure, I am also looking back over my years working in IT and thinking about what has made that experience most satisfying and meaningful to me. It’s clear that working with others to make a difference in people’s lives, and having the opportunity to work with my beloved Sue to make a good life for ourselves and our children are essential to why my work has mattered.

Exploring my thoughts and feelings about my career as I’ve written this series of essays has helped my gain a clearer understanding of my life’s mission to do what is right, with love. My awareness of my desire to fulfill this mission touches every aspect of my life, and informs my every action. In my personal life, it calls me to seek ways to engage in my relationships with my loved ones that reflect a growing understanding of them, of myself, and of our needs, hopes, dreams, and sources of joy and wonder. I seek to grow ever closer to these special people. To respect and honor the precious gift of love that we share.

I’ve looked for ways to make a difference in the lives of the people in our community, and I’ve been so fortunate to share a meaningful mission with my colleagues at work as our university gives us the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our students and their families. Along the way, we’ve made a difference in each others' lives as well, and I feel so fortunate to have shared this work with such wonderful people.

This past Thursday, I had the lovely experience of seeing my first graduating student of this season prepared for her celebration of this special accomplishment. As I left another meeting, she was standing in front of our library in her cap and gown with bright red and blue helium balloons waiting for her family. Her face was filled with joy and pride, and it warmed my heart to see her. I stopped to tell her how much I enjoy this part of our academic year, when our students faces change from showing the effort and anxiety of final exams, to reflecting the relief and excitement of the end of the academic year. I congratulated her, and thanked her for being the reason we do what we do here. She seemed surprised and pleased. I know that seeing her was the best part of my day on campus!

I’ve talked with many colleagues here who share my feeling that the greatest attraction of our work is our shared opportunity to make a difference. While we are grateful for the living we make, and the life it allows us to provide for ourselves and our families, no one works at a public university because they are motivated primarily by money. We come here, and stay here, because we know the work we do matters. We provide the support our students and faculty need to use technology together to enhance their experience of teaching and learning. We are part of a process that allows people to work to change their lives, and our world, for the better. It is deeply satisfying to be part of something so meaningful.

It is in relationship with others, and especially with by loved ones, that I continue to become myself. It is through working to act in the most loving way on my feelings toward others that I have found my mission to do what is right, with love. As I grow closer to my loved ones, while honoring each person’s individual character, and respecting their need for personal time, space and privacy, I have learned to consider how my actions either support, or undermine, my intentions. I work to apply these lessons more broadly in my life.

I believe that there are no wrong thoughts or feelings, so it is not what I think and feel, but my choices as I act on these make all the difference. I am constantly working to grow and learn from my inevitable mistakes. I lose patience, lose my temper, lose my way. I say too much about my feelings, or fail to say what matters most. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and stress, knowing that my choices can impact how much I suffer in the process. I've found relief through acting in ways that are healthy for me, and in seeking help from others. In the process, I realize that I am often striving to become when I would serve my mission, and myself, better by simply being. I am a work in progress, and always will be, yet I could benefit from honoring more often who I am now.

For nearly 28 years, I’ve come to our university each day to share in meaningful work, and come home each evening grateful to help provide our family with shelter, wholesome food, and the chance to live in beauty and wonder. My wonderful partner and I have made a loving home for our sons, seen them grow into fine men, and will watch one of them graduate from the university this time next year. At home, my mission to do what is right with love is even more important, and more meaningful. I am such a lucky man, and so very happy to share the love of our family.

Yesterday, we celebrated Mother’s Day, and my heart is still overflowing with love, gratitude, and pride for the amazing woman who has chosen to join me in sharing our lives on this journey. Sue is one of the best, most loving, mothers I’ve ever known. She is a person of outstanding character, intelligence, creativity, courage, and compassion. She is wise and funny, caring and strong. Our sons love her so. With her love, she has made all the difference for me.

She has been a true partner and has stood with me in loving support through the life-changing choices I’ve made, and that we all make again and again. Choices that feel so right, that they almost make themselves. Hard choices that leave us aching, second guessing, and grieving for losses we cannot avoid. Choices that allow us to return to the path when we have lost our way. Choices that affirm that we are on the right path, in the right place, taking the actions that genuinely express our love.

There will be new versions of these choices in retirement. I have already begun the work of finding the choices that will allow me to give my best self by doing what is right, with love. I am very grateful to my Sue, and to my loved ones, friends, and colleagues who have helped me as I prepare for this new adventure. What will the freedoms, and responsibilities, of retirement bring to me? Soon, I will begin to learn the answers. 

I will look for the quiet moments that allow me to enjoy being, and rest from becoming. It is in my closest relationships that I have found, and will find, the deepest meaning and satisfaction in life. I hope I will have many years ahead to share myself with my loved ones in laughter, shared strength and comfort in the face of sorrow, quiet joy, simply living, wonder, and love.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“It's time to go home, and wonder what happened betwixt and between when I went to work in tall buildings” - John Hartford
As I plan to retire, I’ve been enjoying the opportunity to talk with friends and loved ones about retirement. I’ve had time over the past couple months to talk with more of them, and to talk more with dear wife and other loved ones. I am learning some very helpful things from these kind people about what retirement will be like and how I can best prepare for it. I’ve also received some gentle suggestions that I may be over-analyzing this process, and that is very likely true!

One of my friends, a teacher, shared that he’d had about 30 mini-retirements during the summer to help him get used to the change from daily work to managing his own time. Even with this, one of the lessons he had to share with me is to watch out for overbooking my time. While I have this notion that I will have more time in retirement, and I will, I may still find myself amazed that I only have one day in a given week when I am free to get together with a friend. “It all has to do with time”, he said to me, and I know he is right. We both value having the time to do something well and completely, and he tells that’s not always easy, even in retirement.

Many people have told me that I’m likely to have the experience described by the time-honored phrase, “I don’t know how I had time to work!” My wonderful partner has gently warned me that I’ve “probably got about 48 hours planned for each day”, and another good friend has advised me to make a list of things I want and need to do, and to expect that list to change, as my priorities certainly will.

I know that there will be chores to do as we work to keep our home clean and maintained, and the bills paid. Ever since I first heard the “Thomas the Tank Engine” stories when our boys were little, I’ve identified with Thomas’ desire to be “a useful engine.” It’s clear that I’ll still have plenty of chances to do this in retirement! I will need to take time for doctor’s appointments and other routine tasks that will require a drive into the city. I will want to make time to do things my loved ones want or need from me. There will be opportunities and obligations that haven’t occurred to me yet and all of these will take time.

I’ve heard lots of very helpful advice about how I can retire in a way that will help me continue to enjoy the wonderful relationships that I share with my loved ones. I laughed when a friend offered the advice from a sign hanging in his home, “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to do it,” but I also know this is funny because of the grain of truth it contains! Sue is the one who has the most experience with being retired, and the most practical knowledge of how things really work at home. Listening to her will continue to be a good idea! A good friend advised me to make sure that I recognize and understand Sue's wants and needs and those of our sons, and shared that this is even more important once we are retired, as we are each more “fixed in terms of where we are heading”. It will be important to make sure we work out our space and time agreements, and honor those. We’ll each want some alone time and some together time, and we’ll each have things we want to do together and things we want to do apart.

Some of the other good pieces of advice I’ve received include to walk away from my job, turn it over to those who will continue the work, and not reach out to check on how they are doing. I think I’ll be OK with this as I’m ready to turn things over, and I have a lot of confidence in those who will be carrying on. My friend suggested that if they want to reach out to me, that’s fine. I’m comfortable with this idea, and I’ll also be watching to make sure I’m not getting pulled back into the world of work more that I want to.

A friend has advised me to watch out that I don’t worry about my finances to the point that this interferes with what we really want to do. I think this is really good advice for me. We’ve been very careful as we’ve worked with our financial planner, and I do tend to worry about finances. I think we should be able to enjoy our retirement. I’ll be watching out that I don’t worry more than I should, and that we prioritize the things that really matter to us. I’ve had several friends tell me that staying active will help me stay healthy in retirement, and I do plan to stay active physically, mentally, and in my relationships with others. A good friend told me “know yourself and be yourself”. That sounds like good advice!

I want to remember the wisdom of loved ones who’ve shared with me that it’s likely, to the point of certainty, that retirement will require some adjustment from everyone in our family as we get used to this new pattern of life. I think I’ll be better prepared if I expect that there will be times at first when my beloved wife and sons find it challenging to have me retired. I know for certain that they love me, are happy for me, and are glad that I am getting to retire and come home. I’ll do my best not to take it personally when they’re not so sure what to make of having me there! I’ll also take the good advice I’ve received to get out of the house and give the family a break as I enjoy other activities.

As I near retirement, I’m also finding that some of the songs I’ve heard about this transition in life are more meaningful to me. Some of my favorites are “18-Wheels and a Dozen Roses”, written by Paul and Gene Nelson, and recorded by Kathy Mattea, Cyril Tawney’s “Grey Funnel Line”, and “Quartzite”, by Dave Morrison. As a singer and songwriter myself, music is often one of the most meaningful ways I express myself. Maybe my most favorite song about retirement is John Hartford’s “In Tall Buildings.” I’ve loved John’s music ever since I first heard him on the Glen Campbell show many years ago, and I’m glad our family got to attend a taping of the show, and to hear John sing there. I’ll include the lyrics to this song below, with the second verse I wrote and sing when I perform it. I hope John, and his family, wouldn’t mind my adding those words. I think of him every time I sing this song.

I’m so grateful for everyone who gave me their time, and their thoughts, as I sought to learn about, and plan for, my retirement. Their generosity and thoughtfulness will always be part of turning this page for me. I especially appreciate their good wishes for my finding this new chapter of my life satisfying and joyful. In less than three weeks, I’ll be off on this new adventure and I’ll look forward to sharing parts of it will all of them.

In Tall Buildings - John Hartford

(second verse lyrics by Jim Michael)

Someday my baby, when I am a man,

and others have taught me
the best that they can
they'll sell me a suit
they’ll cut off my hair
and send me to work in tall buildings

So it's goodbye to the sunshine
goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings

I’ll go to the office, five days of the week,

I’ll work for my paycheck
‘til I’m an antique
evenings and weekends
I’ll come home to you
home from my work in tall buildings

And it's goodbye to the sunshine

goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings

When I’m retired

My life is my own
I’ve made all the payments
it's time to go home
and wonder what happened
betwixt and between
when I went to work in tall buildings

So it's goodbye to the sunshine
goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings


© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” - Maya Angelou

Before the end of this month, I’ll be retired. While I’ve been doing all I can to prepare for this change in my life, I’m also aware that I really won’t have any idea what it feels like to be retired until I am. I wonder what's next and how I’ll choose to spend my time. I ask myself  “What do I want to do when I grow up to be a man who is retired?” and “What have I been waiting to do?” From my conversations with loved ones and colleagues who are retired, I know that being retired will not mean having unlimited time, and that it will mean I’ll have more responsibility for what I do with my days.

I’ve written before about the Vedic idea that life is composed of stages, or ashrama. I’m in the midst of transition from my life as a householder, in the grihastha stage, to retired life in the vanaprastha stage. Moving from a life centered on the career I’ve pursued to help provide for our family and home as we’ve raised our children, to one that will focus more on honoring the next generation as our sons begin their lives as householders. I’ll be seeking to respect these changes, and to take a more advisory role instead of the more leading role I’ve been playing. Vanaprastha, वनप्रस्थ in Sanskrit, can be translated to "retiring into a forest", and I am quite literally doing that. I hope this will be a time when I will grow in new ways, emotionally and spiritually, to play a new role in the life of our family and community. I hope it will be a new time of self discovery.

I had some chance to rehearse for retirement when I was unable to work for several months due to an illness several years ago. I think this will be a useful experience to reflect on as I actually retire, and I’m glad I’m in good health to enjoy my retirement! When I was ill, one of my closest friends suggested that I, “Write some songs. Use the piano. Write your feelings down. Send me a letter”, and I know I’ll do all those things as I enjoy my retirement. There are so many things that I feel I’ve been waiting to do. Now I will have the opportunity to choose to spend some time doing these things, and to learn which ones most fill my life with purpose, meaning, and joy.

In her book, “Quiet”, Susan Cain suggests several questions that a person can reflect on as they consider a career transition, and seek to understand their own “core personal projects.” I’m thinking about these questions as I prepare to retire. Cain suggests that I “think back to what you loved to do when you were a child”, and my answers come quickly. I loved music and singing, spending hours outside by the creek and in the fields, science and the stars, reading, and art. I will be choosing to spend more time in retirement with all these activities I love. There are songs I’ve started that wait to be finished and sung, the opportunity to explore the woods and mountains of our home with a camera or sketch pad, and to explore my inner world in the process. I’ll love having more time with a book in my hands, and gazing at the stars.

Cain asks, “How did you answer the question of what you wanted to be when you grew up?” My mother used to laugh as she’d tell the story of how I seemed to have a new idea for what I’d want to do practically every day when I was small. Some of the ideas that most stuck with me were to be a singer or rock star, an astronaut, a naturalist or botanist. From a very early age, I knew for certain that I wanted to fall in love and be a husband and father. I can’t imagine I’ll ever be a rock star or an astronaut now, but I can sing with my loved ones, and share the stars with them. I can walk the fields and mountains in search of wildflowers and wonder. I can go on enjoying the deep joy and satisfaction of having achieved my dearest wish of all as I retire with my beloved wife, and enjoy being husband, father, and maybe a grandfather one day.

Cain suggests that I “pay attention to the work you gravitate to”, and the answers to this question come more slowly. I know that, despite having spent most of my career as a manager and leader, I prefer working alone, or as a contributor on a team. I particularly enjoy helping others find greater satisfaction and happiness. I’ve had some of my most satisfying career experiences as a mentor or coach. I enjoy working as a volunteer with others who share my passion for something. I’ll be paying attention to these answers as I consider which opportunities I’ll pursue to give back to my community.

Finally, Cain says to “pay attention to what you envy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but it tells the truth.” For me this is the hardest of these questions to answer. I don’t really want admit that I’m envious or jealous of others. When I first read this, I found myself quickly playing with words, as I often do, and thought “Je lousy”. This silly multi-lingual play on words tells it like it is for me. When I’m jealous, it feels like I’m acting pretty lousy! Of course, I feel envy and jealousy like any man, but I am also quite happy with my life, and feel so fortunate to have so much of what really matters. Especially love.

As I seek my honest answers to Cain’s question, I find that envy seems to come with admiration for me. I envy and admire my friends who have made a life in the arts. The artists, actors, dancers, writers, and musicians. It’s not an easy life for many of them financially, and most have various day jobs to help make ends meet. Still, I so admire their courage, and their dedication to the arts they love. The commitment and sacrifice it’s taken for them to follow the muse. I envy and admire those who seem to be more comfortable with themselves than I am. Those who seem more self-sufficient and able to sit quietly, or speak out, and remain at peace. I enjoy time by myself, but I also know that this can be a time when I am aware of those aspects of myself that I am not as comfortable with. I’d like to make peace with myself over these things.

In retirement, I will have already earned my living through years of effort and dedication during my career. I hope I’ll have the courage and commitment to rededicate myself to the arts I love, especially music, and to grow as an artist. I remember the hours I spent practicing and composing as a boy, and I wonder what hours spent this way as a man in my 60s will bring. I know retirement will bring me better opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth, and I hope to make good use of these. I imagine myself taking more time for meditation and reflection, and doing the hard work necessary to find greater peace with who I am.

I look forward to so many things! To creative pursuits in music, woodworking, art and writing. To wander and wonder in the natural world. Hiking, looking, listening, and sitting quietly. To cook, brew, bake, and enjoy meals with my loved ones. To spend more time keeping healthy and strong with more exercise, and less sleep deprivation. To get things done by making, repairing, and maintaining our home. To make a difference giving to my loved ones, my community, and myself. More time spent being and, and less effort toward becoming.

Best of all, to have time with my loved ones. Time to talk and laugh. To travel and share our joy and wonder in this world, and time to simply relax together. Time alone with myself, and time together with my beloved wife and family, and with our precious friends. May I make the choices that help this new time in my life be a time of peace, and joy, and love.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively." - Bob Marley

As I near the end of my career, I’m thinking about what more I’d like to say in this series of essays. It has been very interesting giving myself the weekly task of finding something meaningful to say about my experiences working in IT, and in managing and leading teams of colleagues. Today, I’ve chosen to write a little bit about a variety of topics from what it is like to be in a position of authority, to making the hard decisions, building trust, and helping others to grow.

First, I want to thank everyone involved in some of the things I am most proud to have been part of during these years as I have pursued my career. All my colleagues at GESCO during those early years when it felt like there was no technical or business challenge we couldn’t meet together. The family of volunteers and staff at SHARE where I learned so much, and enjoyed the opportunity to work with the MVS Storage, Computer Measurement and Evaluation, and Windows Projects, and to help found the zNextGen community.

I seldom use the word “family” in the context of work. Again and again, I saw the people of SHARE treat one another with the care and compassion of family. I am especially grateful to have been part of a wonderful family of colleagues and friends on the SHARE Board of Directors. We nourished this special organization to keep SHARE one of the best places I’ve ever found to build networks, learn from others, and to play together when the work was done. Best of all was the joyful surprise of finding my best friend there, and seeing that friendship grow to include our spouses and families.

I appreciate the wonderful community at Fresno State where I have spent the greater part of my working life. We have been through some hard times that tested our courage, and together we have made so many improvements in the way technology serves our university. Through it all, I’m proud that service to our students has been at the center of all we do.  I’m proud to have represented our university as I joined colleagues throughout our region in the Collaborative Regional Initiative, and Regional Jobs Initiative that have helped revitalize the economy of our community. Together, we worked to help lay the foundation for the information technology hub, and other efforts that prepare our cities, and the Central Valley, to offer greater opportunities for the people here.

I’m grateful for the opportunity I had to volunteer beside my wonderful partner, Sue, as she coordinated the Yosemite Environmental Living Program to share the National Park idea with children, and as we’ve worked to support our local Special Olympics. I’m happy to have sung and played at benefits for good causes, for children, and for our elders in rest homes. Most of all, I am grateful for the special circle of loved ones with whom I share my closest relationships. To sing, laugh, talk, and share quiet times with these dear ones. To walk in the mountains, along the shore, and under the stars with them, and to carry them always with me in my heart, is the greatest gift of all.

In every case, the best experiences I have had with people have been built on a strong foundation of trust. When we share our thoughts and feelings honestly, disagree respectfully, give each other our best, and are open to having our minds changed by new information, trust grows. Even struggling together, or with each other, can build trust when we do this respectfully, and are truly committed to helping each other improve and grow. We can risk disappointing one another, then rededicate ourselves to doing what is right together, and learn that we are understanding, respectful, and even loving in our relationships. I am deeply grateful to have so many people in my life whom I can trust, and who have given me their trust.

I’ve been fortunate to be part of a highly diverse group of professionals. This experience has made it clear to me how much stronger we are when we join together with others who are different from ourselves. The wider range of perspectives and insights provided by a diverse community help us recognize opportunities, and challenges, and provide us a better opportunity to find effective solutions. The culture of our university embraces the diversity among our students, faculty and staff, and we continually challenge each other to improve our openness to the differences that make us stronger. I also want to thank my colleagues for their patience when I’ve needed time to improve my awareness and sensitivity. I can recall professional relationships that grew stronger as I remembered the wisdom of Abraham Lincoln when he said  “I do not like that man. I must get to know him better."

Some roles have been harder for me than others. I believe I have been an effective leader. Still, my preference is to be one member of a team working together, or to work alone. One of the great challenges of leadership, and management, has been holding and exerting authority. While it is clear to me that someone must do this, I’m also aware that there were times when others could have acted with authority just as well, or better, than I have. Over time, I’ve been asked to take on positions of greater authority and responsibility, and there were also times when I was clearly the leader the team needed. I have not shied away from using authority when I must, but I have found supporting team members as they propose good solutions, and then using my authority to advance the best of these, has often been the most effective and comfortable option.

At other times, I’ve had to use my authority to take the hard, and often unpopular, actions that are part of any manager’s work. I’ve had to discipline employees whose behavior didn’t meet our expectations or, rarely, approached the unethical or illegal. I’ve been the one to end things that lead to hardship or hard feelings. I’ve shut down operations that no longer met our needs,  eliminated positions, laid people off, and even worked with our HR professionals to terminate a few people for cause. I’m grateful that I’ve had even more opportunities to begin things, as we’ve offered new services, created new positions in the organization, and offered people opportunities for growth. I’m very glad that I’ve been able to help many of those I had to lay off find new jobs or careers.

The positions of greater authority I’ve been offered might even be described as having given me greater power. It may have seemed like that to others, but it never felt like this to me. I’ve never sought to have or wield power, and the greater responsibility I’ve felt for those I’ve lead, and served, has far outweighed any benefit that power might have offered me. So often, I’ve had the feeling that I am simply doing my best at each moment, and making it up as I go along. I wonder how common this feeling is for leaders?

Among the most satisfying work of all has been mentoring, coaching, and supporting others. This is the work that is most closely aligned with my strengths and identity. I’ve enjoyed the opportunities to provide formal and informal mentoring to help my protégées pursue their professional and personal growth. It is so satisfying to see them achieve their goals and increase their contributions to those around them. I’ve also been glad to do more active coaching to help people develop new skills and hone existing talents, and to provide training and professional development opportunities, developing managers, growing an organization from within, and being ready to offer support when colleagues want, or need, to move on to pursue their goals and dreams.

I find myself thinking about how I will feel about not being “important” in retirement. I put that word in quotes as I don’t really think of myself as important at work. Still, I am aware that people have their own images of me. Some treat me as important, think of me as kind or thoughtful, etc. I know that I am simply myself, with all the strengths and weaknesses that entails, and that my loved ones at home know me much better than anyone at work.

While I believe I matter to my loved ones in the more meaningful ways, I’m just as sure that they don’t see me as “important” in these more trivial ways that honor status or position. I wonder what it will feel like to be just Jim, the well known and loved husband, father, and friend without any of the imaginary importance that exists here. I’m guessing I will be perfectly happy with this as I’ve never really felt “important” at work, and it is the time with my loved ones that I treasure most.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection – that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement." - from "Mark Twain's Essays, Letters, and Speeches"

Today, I am thinking about how very fortunate I have been to spend my working life with such wonderful people. With very few exceptions, my colleagues have been people of good character working hard together to advance the missions we have shared. I am so grateful for their collaboration, their graceful patience with me, and their affection. I will miss their daily company, the joy of working side by side with them, and the opportunities they have given me to be of use.

After my early experiences working washing windows, shining shoes, as a short-order cook, and busboy, I had the opportunity to work as a student assistant at UC Davis. I had a wonderful boss and some great colleagues. They taught me so much, and working at the Shields Library was a dream job for a guy like me who needed work to help pay for college and who loves books. This was also my first chance to work in IT as we installed their first computerized library management system. The people I worked with there were kind and generous, and it was wonderful to spend so much time in the stacks with all those books! I seriously considered a career change to spend my life working in libraries.

I didn’t take any computer science or MIS classes until after I graduated, as I had started out studying enology, and ended up with a B.S. in Psychology. I was making my living as a bank teller, and working nights as a janitor, when I saw a want ad for a computer operator job at our local county computer center. It was there, among a great group of welcoming people, who knew how to have lots of fun together, that I got the chance to learn more about programming, and to prepare myself for the rest of my career. This was also where I got my first chance to work with IBM mainframes, punch cards, magnetic tape, removable disk packs, and assembler language on an System/370 machine running OS/VS1.

Thanks to my experience at the county, I was able to get a job as an entry-level assembler programmer at a local service bureau serving the savings and loan industry across the US. This was one of the most exciting times in my career as this place had the energy of a startup, and my colleagues there were creating new ways to serve the industry. I’m sure I learned more about programming and technology in my eight and a half years there than at any other time in my career. My colleagues were creative and committed, and the company had a career track that would allow technical people to rise to a level equivalent to Assistant Vice President without management responsibilities.

This was where I first had the chance to work as a systems programmer, and where I found my first great mentor, Gary Sandwick. He taught me not just about technology, but about teamwork, problem solving, and what it means to take personal responsibility for the missions we share. He was my first great role model for how collaboration based on trust is the foundation for most of the best things we do together, and for how to recognize and appreciate people. More than thirty years later, I still find myself thinking about how Gary would handle a particular technical problem, or a situation where I'm trying to help people grow and work together.

He was also the person who introduced me to SHARE (www.share.org). I’ve often said that SHARE has been the best experience of my career, and I know this is true. Gary would come back from a SHARE meeting with all kinds of technical insights, and great stories, and I wanted to go! I’ll never forget him telling me about a talk in the early 80s where he first heard Sibo Friesenberg say "all processors wait at the same speed." It was thanks to him, that I got to go to my first SHARE meeting in 1986, and it was with his support that I began my career as a SHARE volunteer.

From my first day there in 1986, through over twenty years as an active volunteer with the SHARE MVS Storage, and Windows Projects, and on the SHARE Board of Directors, the people of SHARE constantly showed me the reality of their slogan, “SHARE. It’s not an acronym, it’s what we do.” I’ll enjoy the satisfaction of getting to be part of this great organization, and the pride I feel as I remember the work we did together there, as long as I live. It was at SHARE that I first took the lessons I had learned from Gary, and had the opportunity to apply them. Before I became a manager, worked with significant budgets, policies, and strategic planning, I learned about doing these things in my work at SHARE. I’m confident that I owe much of my success as a manager and leader to the experience I gained there.

Of all the gifts I received from my time at SHARE, the greatest are the friendships we formed. Across the country, and around the world, there are wonderful friends I first met there, and I am happy we’ve stayed in touch over the years. My wife and I found two of our dearest friends at SHARE, and we look forward to continuing our adventures, and these special friendships, as retirement gives us more options for spending time together.

For more than 70% of my career, I’ve had the privilege of working with the fine people at our university, and I’m so grateful to have been part of the work we’ve done together helping our students as they pursue their education. Of all the missions I’ve been part of, this is the most meaningful. I have such appreciation for the dedication of my colleagues as they work to support our students, faculty and staff, and to offer innovative IT services that improve teaching and learning.

Through almost 28 years, I’ve worked alongside these people who’ve met each day thinking how they can make a difference for our students. Again and again, I’ve watched them go out of their way to help students new to campus, or dealing with academic or personal problems. Year after year, we’ve watched the stress and anxiety associated with midterms, papers, and finals, and the relief, joy, and pride of commencement. I am proud of my colleagues, and proud to have been among them in sharing this work.

Soon, I will go home to spend more time with my loved ones, the dearest people in the world to me. I am very much looking forward to the opportunity to have more hours and days with these beloved family and friends. I will miss the daily contact with my dear colleagues, and I will make sure to come back to see them from time to time. Looking back over these past 40 years, it is the people who have made the greatest difference for me. The colleagues who made the work so meaningful and, most of all, my beloved wife, family, and friends who fill my life with joy.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“Don't let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” - C. S. Lewis in “The Four Loves”

When I am retired, I know I will work on refining my ideas about love. I think often about this most important of my feelings, and I’ve been making notes for some years now that I hope I can turn into an essay, or series of essays, about love. I am also at a point in my life when I have been dealing with the inevitable loss that we all face as our parents and other older loved ones die. I have lived enough years to face the tragedy that comes with the death of friends and loved ones taken from us too soon. I have begun to face the loss of friends and loved ones of about my own age. For me this question of love and loss is central to the choices we face between despair and joy. Central to the process of seeking peace in our hearts and minds.

When I saw this quote from C.S. Lewis, I felt an immediate response. I knew that I both agreed and disagreed with this idea. I agree with the the obvious wisdom of not tying our happiness to impermanent things like material possessions, or fame. I disagree with the idea that we should not let our happiness depend on the loved ones we are bound to lose in life. I looked again, briefly, at Lewis’ wonderful book, “The Four Loves”, seeking the context in which he wrote these words.

Lewis is writing about Saint Augustine's desolation at the death of a friend, and disagrees with the saint’s conclusion that we must not love what we might lose. He writes compellingly against the idea that we should avoid this risk. Instead, he encourages us to accept the risk, vulnerability, and loss that come with loving. Only through being open and vulnerable to love are we able to realize our full humanity, and our most profound relationship with the divine; however we experience that aspect of reality.

I agree with this so completely. I choose to love as richly and fully as I am capable of loving, and to seek a greater closeness with my beloveds always. I find that this brings me ever greater opportunities for joy, intimacy, and love in my life. It brings me closer not only to my loved ones, but also to myself, and to my own sense of the divine. My wonder at the immensity of the night sky, of the delicate intricacy of the smallest flower, and of the inexpressible beauty in the eyes of my beloveds grows beyond measure when I open my heart fully to love.

I gratefully accept the risk and vulnerability of loving in this way. I accept that the more powerful the love, the more powerful the grief I will face. Some of this grieving will find me on my journey through life, as it has already, and some will be waiting for me at the end. I've talked with my family about this, and shared that at the end of my life I expect to face great loss. I will have survived people I love deeply, and I will be leaving behind people I love deeply. There is no escaping this and I accept that fact.

Part of choosing love is living with the grief of loss. The process of grieving is a journey that we each face alone, and still one in which we can be comforted and strengthened by the presence of our loved ones and community. While there are moments of profound loneliness in grieving, and there can be long stretches of sadness at our separation from our lost beloveds, we are also joined by the fact that all who love deeply will live through these times of grief. May we offer, and accept, the hand of friendship, the embrace of comfort, and the shared strength of love and understanding in our times of grieving.

The scale and scope of my loss will be in proportion to the scale and scope of my love, and so I hope the loss I face in my life will be immense. It will be worth facing this loss to feel that I have loved to the greatest of my ability, and have been loved by my beloveds. I believe our shared love will be enough to comfort me in my grief. I hope to be surrounded, and supported, by the love of those still with me in this life, and by the never-ending love of those that have gone on before me. I will seek peace in remembering that my grief is irrefutable evidence of our love.

If I do someday finish some writing to share my thoughts and feelings about love with the world, I know the process will take more time and care than these essays I’ve written over the past two years. To write about what is most important of all will be a wonderful challenge, and I don’t imagine anything I write will ever finally capture what is in my mind and heart. I have been careful not to re-read “The Four Loves”, Erich Fromm’s “The Art of Loving”, and other works that were important to me as a young man seeking to understand this most important of my emotions. I’ll enjoy reading them again once I’ve explored my own beliefs about love to see what new light they shed for me. I imagine they may inspire another round of editing! If I ever approach Lewis’ wonderful ability to convey great meaning in few words, I’ll be very glad.

My ultimate agreement with the idea that we should not let our happiness depend on something we may lose comes from my belief that the love we share is not something that we may lose. I have faith that love is something that goes on forever beyond the end of space and time, and not something we can lose even in death. That brings me great happiness, indeed, and is one of the firmest foundations of my peace of mind, and the peace in my heart.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0