"If the other person injures you, you may forget the injury; but if you injure him you will always remember.” - Khalil Gibran

Today, I’d like to share some thoughts about a topic I’ve struggled with over the years. Regrets. I have mine. Things I’ve done and things I’ve failed to do. Things forgiven but not forgotten and things not forgiven including some I am still working to forgive myself for.  These have helped to shape the person I’ve become over the years and influence my choices and actions today.

Frank Sinatra, who would have turned 100 this past Saturday, famously sang Paul Anka’s words, “Regrets, I've had a few; But then again, too few to mention”. There are even some people I know, respect, and love, who say they have no regrets. While I hope this is true, and that they live more at peace with themselves as a result, I admit I can’t quite understand how that would feel.

For me, regrets are an inevitable part of living with my own human frailty. I am far from perfect and make mistakes that I regret. There are things I’ve done that I wish I hadn’t, things I’ve failed to do that I should have done, promises I’ve broken, things I wish I hadn’t said, and moments when I could have spoken but remained silent.

I look back on things I’ve done that I am ashamed of and I know I would act differently if I had the chance to do them over. There were times when I acted in anger, impatience, or disrespect and now I wish I’d shown better self control. I have acted in ignorance and wish I knew then what I know now. I have made promises I should not have made and regret the hurt I caused when I could not keep them.

For all the regret I feel for things I shouldn’t have done, I regret more keenly those things I have failed to do that I wish I’d done. There were times when I could have done more to stand up for what I know is right. I missed opportunities when I could have acted to prevent trouble, to bring joy, or show love. I could have made time to relax with people when I chose to work just a little longer on a task that could have waited.

I have specific regrets related to my work. I’ve had to layoff employees when I wish we had done more to avoid this necessity. I regret the times I have not been able to find the right way to inspire an employee who was struggling, and the times when I haven’t stood up to oppose actions by executives that I thought were wrong. When I have stood up, I wish I’d managed to succeed where I failed to make the case for a different course of action that would have been better for my colleagues and those we serve. I regret times when I said yes and should have said no, and the impact on my family, and my health, as I put in longer hours under greater stress because of these poor choices.

Most of all, I regret the times when my action, or failure to act, has hurt my loved ones or prevented me from being more loving toward them. I wish I could say I had never acted in anger, ignorance, or disrespect toward these most precious ones in my life. I wish I had taken advantage of every chance to act on my love for them; nurturing, comforting, supporting, and loving them with all my heart. During a period as a young adult when I was estranged from my family, I wish I’d found my way home sooner. When faced with a choice to give my time to them, instead of to work or myself, I wish I had chosen them more often. I often say “I love you”, and yet there are still times when I wish I’d found the best words, and even more the best actions, to show my loved ones just how strong and true my love for them really is.

For me, to have regrets seems to be unavoidable. What is more important is what I can do in response to my regrets. I can learn better self control to help me avoid mistakes I’ll regret, and learn to be more courageous in speaking up for what is right, and what matters most. I can work to make amends for the harm I’ve caused either by my action or inaction. I can redouble my efforts to do what is right and I can work to treat myself fairly as I seek to grow.

I can be be honest with myself about my role in the things I regret. I need to accept responsibility for my role, recognize when some aspects of regrettable situations were beyond my control, and work to forgive myself with the same grace and open heart that I bring to forgiving others. I can look for the precious second chances I receive and make the most of these.

May I make the most of the lessons my regrets can teach me. May I make amends for the harm I’ve done whenever I can. May I find the strength to be gentle with myself as I live with my regrets and the grace to forgive others and myself. May we all.