"It is not biology that determines fatherhood. It is love." - Kristin Hannah in "The Nightingale"

Today, I am thinking about Father’s Day and fatherhood. My first thought on this subject is how very grateful I am to my wonderful Sue, and to our two boys, for giving me the opportunity to be a father. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a dad and they have all made this experience even more remarkable than I’d ever imagined it would be. They have been patient with my failings and generous with their love. I’m so glad for the times we’ve had as a family laughing, talking, traveling, and simply living in the home we’ve made together.

For me, being a father has meant doing my best every day to be part of our son’s lives, to provide a good example as a role model, and to be a true partner with their mother in supporting the family we share, and in raising our children. As our sons have grown, our relationships have changed over time. When they were younger, there were times when it was easier to be close, to play, and cuddle. As they’ve grown, some natural space has developed as they take greater control of their lives, cherish their privacy, and form their own values and opinions. Sometimes when I have been ready to be closer, they have chosen to keep the distance between us that they needed. I respect that need and their choice. I have missed that closeness and I am happy that a new and different closeness eventually begins to emerge as we form our adult relationships.

Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently. The days I came home tired and discouraged and wasn’t as available as my wife and sons needed me to be took their toll. While I believe I am a loving and patient man, my patience is far from perfect. I know the love I feel for them has always been there, but I fear it may not always have shown through. I think I gave too much deference and respect to the need for our boys to have good relationships with their biological father. I wish now that I had worked harder to find more ways to make special close time with them and taken more risks that these might impact their father’s right to be close.

Some of the hardest moments were those when it was clear I should have been more than I was for my family. Some of the lost opportunities for closeness are clearly my fault and I regret that. I continue working to help the adult relationships we have today grow closer. As I look at my fathering with a critical eye, I also try to remember the times we’ve spent together, the talks we’ve had about things that interested them and even things that didn’t but that mattered anyway. I remind myself of the help I've given them, of the special times we’ve had in wilderness, in museums, and just having fun together. We’ve been lucky and I’m glad our sons start their adult lives without student loan debts. I remember the hugs; especially when they were little and not so shy about that. I have room to improve, but I do think I’ve been a good father.

I feel deep gratitude that each new day brings another chance to bring my best self to fathering our sons. They are young adults now and their needs are different. I want to be aware of these needs, looking for how I can help meet those I can, and for how I can help them grow to meet their own needs. I will be watching to try to understand what they need from their father as we grow together and working to be that man for them.

I am so grateful for our sons’ senses of humor! From reading these essays, you will know that I am a man given to introspection. Laughter is a wonderful counterbalance for this tendency. I love the laughter and joking we share. Some of our conversations on long drives together are pretty amazing! A favorite story of mine is about a change of title. I had earned the title of “Keeper of all useless bits of knowledge” in our family because of my tendency to remember trivial and obscure things. Once day, our youngest son referred to me by accident as the “Useless keeper of all bits of knowledge” and we all laughed pretty hard at that. The new title has stuck with me and I know they use it with love. Fathering has definitely helped to keep me humble!

I am thinking today of my father and my grandfathers. I remember my father’s father as a tall, white-haired man who was kind to me. My memories of him are faint and few as he died when I was very young. I remember my mother’s father as a kind, gentle man who spent many hours with me as a boy. I would sit on his lap and he’d do things to make me laugh, or we’d go down to the train station or the river to watch the trains and boats. He died before my teenage years but my memories of him are strong and so are the lessons in love and gentleness that I learned from him.

I am glad that my father is still part of my life today and that I still get to make new memories with him. He was a hard-working father who was often away from home, and he was always looking for the next opportunity to make more of his life. I remember him tucking me in at night and telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be, and that he’d support me no matter what I chose. We didn’t always agree, and I learned some things that I didn’t want to do by watching him, just as I know my sons will have learned that way from me. At the same time, he did support me even when he didn’t agree with all my choices. I’m glad we grew together through the hard years and found a way to form a stronger friendship as adults. In the end, I love him and loved my grandfathers.

I am thinking of my dear friend, Martin, and what a fine man, father, and grandfather I see in him. I have watched him stay close to his daughters and share so many things with them. We live quite a distance apart and have chatted over the Internet for years between visits together. I love that, as we did, he was staying close with his daughters at college by chatting just about every day. It seems there’s is a closeness that has stayed strong through the years. With each new change in their lives, he has been there for them with love and support, sharing himself and his values as they grow and respecting their choices as women. I am filled with joy to watch him experience the wonder of being a grandfather! The light in his eyes when he is with his grandson is so beautiful.

I hope that I will continue to grow as a father in the years ahead and I would love to have the opportunity to be a grandfather. Should either of my sons be fathers one day, I know they will have learned some of what not to do from my mistakes. I hope I have also been an example that will teach them something about what a positive influence a father can be in the lives of his children. We see echoes of me in our sons. Some of these make me very happy, some make me laugh, and some give me pause, and reason to provide more guidance to help them overcome things they have learned from me.

Reflecting on these things also makes me very grateful that Sue is such a wonderful mother. I know I have helped raise our sons to be the fine men they are. I know that Sue has done the most to make this true.

This has turned out to be a long essay! I find it much easier to see clearly how wonderful mothers and grandmothers are in our lives. I struggle more as I try to understand and express the impact of fathers. I’m sure this is partly because I am one myself and keenly aware of my challenges as well as my strengths. Perhaps if the mothers and grandmothers in my life were to write of motherhood, their essays would be longer than mine.

Our children learn from what they see us do, more than from what they hear us say. The way I have spoken and acted with them, and in their presence, will form part of the standards they set for themselves and some part of the still small voice they carry with them. With all my imperfections, I hope the legacy I leave them will serve them well. I hope they will carry the love I have for them, and for their mother with them all their lives.