“It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will.” - Vaca Sutta as translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Today, I’m thinking about one of the most important things that we do. Communicating. Even as I write these words, I am communicating and face all the same challenges that we face whenever we communicate. Am I expressing myself clearly, and in a way that my intended audience can understand? Am I being understood and gauging the reaction of my audience correctly? Am I listening effectively and properly understanding the response to my communication?

For me, one of the most interesting things about communication is that we can only know that we have communicated effectively by receiving communications in return. When I write these essays, I am usually left to wonder what effect my words have had on those who read them. I also realize that my original intent in writing these essays was to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings, and to capture snapshots of these with regard to ideas and feelings that are important to me. In this sense, I am writing to myself, but the questions I ask above still apply. Even when we communicate with ourselves, there is the chance that we may still misunderstand. I know I sometimes tell myself things that I later realize are not true.

Whoever we communicate with, there is the risk that we will not have clearly formed our thoughts. The quality of what we communicate cannot be better than our own understanding and awareness of the thoughts and feelings we are seeking to express. Even when we are clear on these, there is the risk that we will not choose the right way of communicating, or that our audience will not understand for various reasons. They must take the same meaning from our words, and other forms of communication, that we intend. For fullest understanding, we will need some common frame of reference, the same sense of the ideas involved, and we may need a similar awareness of emotional aspects of what is being communicated.

The most significant communications, in my view, are conversations of some sort. Two-way communications that require not only that we make ourselves understood, but that we understand when those we are communicating with respond. Skills like active listening, emotional awareness and intelligence, and reflecting back to verify understanding can help us with this vital aspect of our communications. We often need to restate, or explain, our thoughts and feelings in response to this conversation within a conversation in order to achieve a better understanding.

Sometimes, we may even benefit from specific techniques to help ensure that each person has the opportunity to express their thoughts and be fully heard. I’ve participated in discussions where the use of a “talking stick” or other token, along with rules that help ensure each person has the opportunity to express their views, can be very helpful. I’ve also participated in facilitated discussions that have helped improve communication within teams, and have seen the use of personality assessment tools help people improve their ability to understand each other.

I am an auditory learner and many of my communications are verbal. I like words, whether spoken or written, and enjoy prose, poetry, and song. I tend to be very aware of tone in verbal communication, though my own tone is sometimes misunderstood and I continue to work on this. I am also very aware that visual information, body language and other nonverbal cues are important in many communications. I’ve learned a lot about communicating from interactions with my partner and other visual learners. In close personal relationships, the deep communication that can come from a reassuring touch, a hug, the holding of a hand, or other ways of communicating through touch are vital. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I know that a single touch from a loved one can be priceless.

Communicating is one of the most important and rewarding things in my life. Whether I am visiting with or writing to my loved ones, talking with colleagues about the work we share, singing to share my love, joy or other emotions, or writing to express my thoughts and feelings, to me communication is a way to gain a deeper understanding of myself and others. Through my words, and actions, I seek to share myself and to grow closer to my loved ones. Even sitting quietly together can be a way of communicating my respect for a loved one’s feelings, my trust, and comfort in their company.

In my career, some of the most satisfying things I have done include coaching and mentoring colleagues, and helping people to understand and grow to trust one another. These require me to listen, to verify understanding, to think and feel about what is being communicated, and to help facilitate greater understanding. To help people grow closer to one another, and to their own understanding of themselves, is deeply rewarding.

I also know I have not entirely succeeded in communicating effectively. Just when I think I’ve been perfectly clear, I often learn that I have been misunderstood. I must return to my efforts to clearly define and express my thoughts and feelings, to verify understanding, to listen in a sensitive and effective manner. I think this is inevitable and I welcome the opportunity to grow in my ability to communicate.

In retirement, I will find new ways to enjoy communicating with others and I will be happy to spend more time with some of my favorites, including writing and singing songs. Most of all, I will welcome more time to spend growing closer to my loved ones and listening to what they have to say, even when they are silent.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0