"Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love” - Zooey Deschanel

Today I find myself thinking about our sharing thoughts and feelings, and listening to and respecting the thoughts and feelings of others, as a way of growing closer. This is certainly one of the most important parts of my personal life, and it may not seem like a professional topic, but it can be. After all, just as in our personal lives, the relationships we form in our professional careers are fundamental to our success, and satisfaction.

When I share my thoughts and feelings in a way that is open to hearing what others think and feel, I am making myself vulnerable, offering trust, and inviting a closer and deeper relationship. I am prepared for agreement or disagreement, and ready to engage in a discussion that helps foster mutual understanding, and that may result in my growing and changing as I hear what others have to say. If those I am sharing with listen openly to what I share, I experience a growth in the trust and closeness between us. If they choose to also openly share their thoughts and feelings, and I listen with an open heart and mind, prepared to change based on what they share with me, I invite them to feel a growing trust and closeness between us.

I hope it is clear how this can enrich our personal lives, and I know that the risks I’ve taken by being vulnerable to my loved ones have been rewarded with the growth of rich, deep, warm, and close relationships between us. I appreciate the trust they’ve offered me when they have taken the risk of sharing and being vulnerable with me. I treasure the intimacy that has grown between us as we have each allowed the other closer to our deepest thoughts and feelings.\

When I talk with my beloved wife, sharing some story or beautiful sight from my day, remembering happy and meaningful moments together, or sharing our hopes, fears, and concerns as we talk through something more challenging, we grow even closer. When I talk with my sisters about who we all were as children and who we’ve become as adults, or with my nieces, nephews, brothers-in-law, and other family, about the lives we’ve shared, the people we’ve become, and the dreams and worries we face along the road of life ahead, we maintain and strengthen the bonds of family.

When I write, as I do ‘most every day, to our dearest friends, or connect with them through text chats or video visits, I share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. When we spend time together this way across the miles, and in the precious days we have to spend together in person, I listen to what they have to share. We talk about our joys and sorrows, challenges and triumphs, the values we share, and the events and experiences that fill our lives with meaning and purpose. As we do, these closest friendships grow closer, stronger, and richer still.

When I am given the gift of time with our great niece and nephew, with the grandchildren of dear friends, or with any of the precious little ones in our lives, I have a special opportunity to be open and trusting as I share who I am and, especially, to invite these lovely children to feel welcome and loved. To learn to feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with family and loved ones, and to know that they will be safe and trusted. That they will be listened to, shared with, and included. That we want to hear about their ideas and their feelings. It seems that our little ones meet us with trust and love to start with, and that our opportunity is to make sure it stays that way.

At work, in meetings and one-on-one conversations, these same opportunities are there to take the risk of vulnerability and trust to help create strong and close relationships. As we share our ideas and aspirations, and work together to recognize opportunities and solve problems, we choose how much to trust, and risk. How vulnerable or safe do we feel in offering new approaches, or in challenging existing practices? How willing are we to be open about our feelings, and to be advocates for the thoughts, feelings and interests of those we manage? The strongest teams I have had the honor of working with have been those that have taken the risk of vulnerability to forge the deepest trust. These are the colleagues who can fearlessly explore solutions, and face challenges, together because they have created an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect. A place where it is safe to bring their very best.

Handling the inevitable conflicts that are part of our professional, and personal lives, provides an especially powerful opportunity for us to strengthen our relationships. By sharing our thoughts and feelings in an open and respectful way, we not only increase our ability to understand and resolve our conflicts, we also have unique opportunities to increase and solidify the trust between us. While it isn’t always easy to share our thoughts and feelings at the best of times, a willingness to be vulnerable when we are in conflict can be an even more powerful demonstration of trust, and of how much we are willing to give to the relationships we share.

I believe that the times when it is most difficult to share our thoughts and feelings represent times when we may see some of the most significant growth in personal and professional relationships. Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with our loved ones in times of crisis or deep emotion, or expressing views that differ from the consensus of our colleagues in a professional setting when the stakes are high, can be very difficult, and feel very risky. When we take this risk and are met with open-minded respect, and in our personal lives with love, we can gain a deeper sense of trust, acceptance, and comfort in our relationships. Even when our thoughts and feelings do not meet with acceptance, we may still feel a stronger and closer relationship with our loved ones and colleagues as we share openly and honestly with one another to find some common ground.

The journey to that common ground can be a difficult one, and making peace with the reality that we do not agree, or feel the same, can take time and require gentle strength from each of us. A temporary challenge to trust and vulnerability, perhaps through a misunderstanding, failure to reach a respectful agreement in a difficult situation, or the sting of trust, vulnerability, or intimacy offered and not accepted, can ultimately lead to a clearer understanding between us, and a new basis for a closer, stronger relationship. It can be difficult to stay committed to the hard, individual and shared, work that is required, but the rewards can be great.

In retirement, I hope I will continue growing ever closer to my loved ones, and maintain, and establish, caring and respectful relationships with my colleagues. I hope to keep choosing vulnerability and growth over the sterile safety of retreating into my own, more narrow, view of the world. May I, may we all, have the courage, and good judgement, to take the risks that will help our relationships grow stronger. May we be rewarded with greater closeness, respect, and love.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0