“Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” - Harry Emerson Fosdick

I’ve begun talking to some retired people I especially trust about retirement. In the process, I’m learning some interesting and useful things, and I plan to do more of this over the next few months as part of my preparing for this change in my life. Today, I’ll share some of what I’ve learned so far in talking with my wonderful wife, Sue, two of our dearest friends, and a colleague from my university. This is a longer essay than many I’ve written, because I am learning so much that is useful! I’ll probably return to this topic again once I’ve had the chance to talk with more of my retired friends and colleagues.

I’ve approached my planning for retirement in what I hope is a thoughtful way. While I can be spontaneous, I do approach important decisions with a certain amount of study and structure. Before I began talking with people about their experiences in retirement, I thought about the questions I wanted to ask them. I prepared a list of these and I’ve used that to guide my interviews with them. I also make sure to encourage the people I’m talking with to share things I haven’t thought to ask about, and specifically ask if there are questions I should have asked, but didn’t, or other things they’d like to tell me.

So far, I’ve mostly talked with my loved ones. In addition to the interviews I’ve done so far, I’ve also had some very helpful conversations with my sister and her husband and I look forward to talking more with family, friends and colleagues. Everyone has been very kind, helpful and generous with their time. I’ve received quite a lot of reassurance, and encouragement, including some comments that they are confident my care in preparing will help me as I retire. One specifically advised me to take time to think about what is coming up and what I might want to do. Everyone has told me to be prepared for some surprises or adjustments, but also assured me they think I’ll be able to handle these.

Some of what I’ve learned from my conversations has verified my existing expectations about what I will need to do, or will experience, in retirement. It will take me awhile to get used to the idea of being relaxed. I’ll need to learn to say “no”, always a challenge for me, and to not let other people schedule me, because they will expect me to have time for things. I’ll need to make an effort to get the exercise and physical activity I want and need, and getting outside for a while every day, even to talk a walk, will be very helpful. I’ll find that I don’t have all the time in the world to do everything, that I will still have to choose, and make peace with these choices. I’ll need to remember that time together, and time alone and apart, are both important. This may take some getting used to, and I’ll be remembering the wise words of Kahlil Gibran to “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.”

Other things I’ve heard in our talks weren’t as obvious, but immediately made sense to me. I heard advice not to really schedule anything except maybe vacation for the first 6 weeks to 6 months of retirement. To let myself have some down time, and maybe even get a little bored,  first. More than one friend suggested that I start some things understanding that I may not continue them all, and to choose some things to get into a non-work mode. I was advised to remember the times we’ve said “We’re going to do this later”, and to remember that it’s later now, and time do these! With regard to volunteering, I’m advised to remember to do things on a trial basis first, maybe volunteer for a couple things just a little, be prepared to “dabble”, and not make big new time commitments right away.

Many people commented that I may find that I let some things take more time than I used to, that everything slows down a bit and things “spread out”, and that I may choose to schedule just one thing to do outside the house on any given day. They also suggested that I might think retirement is more social than it really is, and that I’ll have to work at the social aspect. I’ve heard that staying healthy physically and emotionally go together and this really makes sense to me. When I’m in good shape physically, it’s much easier to be emotionally well. Everyone agreed that travel is wonderful and most suggested that, while we’ll have the time, money will likely be the limiting factor. Taking more little day trips together will be much easier now, and we can have a lot of fun for little or no expense.

One friend made a point of telling me not to wait ‘til we are 70 or 80 to go places and this agrees with good advice from my wife’s parents and others over the years. Another friend who has spent substantial time with our elders observes that those older people who’d traveled most, and have stayed most engaged in learning and social life, are the ones who are doing the best as they age. I also very much appreciated the suggestion that it will be helpful to be aware of my spouse’s work rhythms, as will discovering my own and helping my spouse understand those. That it is wise to be careful about making  time and activity commitments without discussing it with my partner, to “be patient with each other”, and remember that my spouse will need time to adjust, too. More than one of my loved ones reminded me to do some things to get out of the house and away from everybody at times. Partly for me and partly for them!

One of the most interesting thing about these conversations I’ve been having is the ideas and suggestions that surprised me. Some were obvious once I heard them, like “If you find that you are not getting enough time to do an activity you want to do, then schedule it”. I’m told that, if I’m not getting enough time for something I want, I can claim time for that. I’ve been encouraged to remember that this is the time to try things in my life, and reminded that I can tend to commit to things and stay committed beyond the point that is useful for me. One loved one said I should be prepared to make choices between fun things, and to pick something and give myself permission to stop doing something else. I was surprised by the idea that not making these choices, so I can remain free to seize the moment, might actually cause me to lose some time I could be spending on fun and rewarding things.

While I understand that it will be important not to get too caught up in what other people want, I do have trouble saying “no”. One of my loved ones suggested I remember I can always say, “Can I get back to you about that?” or “Let me think about that”, as way of gently giving myself time to make choices that are good for me. Another reminded me that retirement doesn’t mean I won’t work hard at times and that it’s OK to work hard at the things I love. They also shared that when they were working the one thing they would have asked for is free time. Now it’s meaningful time. It is important to find someway to be of value to others, and to find satisfaction in serving and receiving acknowledgement from them. I was also advised to watch out for trying to take over things my spouse wants to do. There are likely some she’ll be glad to have me take over, but others that are “hers” that she’ll want to keep. It was an eye-opener for me to hear that sometimes as a spouse the harder you try to help the worse it can get. This is really good advice for me and not just for retirement. Sometimes what is needed is time, space, and letting go. Patience and communication will always be helpful.

It was enlightening to have one of those closest to me tell me that they think I can be afraid to be comfortable with myself. They were right to observe that I am always trying to improve and yet I talk about wanting to simply “Be”. Retirement may give me time to let go, relax, just be, and see what happens. This may take some discipline for me. I appreciated the suggestion that I think about what my “default activity” will be in retirement. After working 40 hours a week for about 40 years, what will I do when there’s nothing I need to do? I was advised to check in every couple months to see whether I am I doing what I want to do and ask “Does this match my needs?” I’m allowed to stop what doesn’t work, and give more time to what I want. I was surprised and delighted to hear a respected friend say, “You’re more tired than you think you are, and won’t really realize that until you are really retired.”

When I asked people what they liked most, and least, about retirement, I found their answers very helpful, and thought-provoking. I heard that they liked having choices and getting to choose, not working and having the work pressures, the freedom to schedule their own time and to say, “Hey, let’s go do…” whatever they want. I heard that some didn’t much like the other side of choosing, where we have to choose and take responsibility for the consequences of our choices, the isolation that can be part of retirement, and occasional boredom. I heard comments that travel helps, and that you do still have to get motivated to do things.

I so appreciate the time my friends and loved ones are giving me in this process of preparing for retirement. I think that this is helping me. At the same time, it feels a lot like reading about the history, customs, and culture of a foreign land where I will be immigrating soon. I realize, and some of those I’ve talked with agree, that I won’t really know what it is like to live in retirement until I arrive there. Hopefully, my preparations and planning will have helped get me ready for the changes, and surprises, I am bound to find there. I was glad to have one of my loved ones advise me to try to relax about this. They tell me it will come, happen, and have its own rhythm. That’s comforting and I’m glad to say that, while I am nervous and excited about retirement, my nervousness is remaining steady as my excitement increases.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0