“The notion of chance. It has a distinct meaning for me. I do not know where I might have been led by the paths that, as I look back, I think I might have taken but that in fact I did not take. What is certain is that I am satisfied with my fate and that I should not want it changed in any way at all. So I look upon these factors that helped me to fulfill it as so many fortunate strokes of chance.” - Simone de Beauvoir in her autobiography “All Said and Done”

My last day before retirement was 18 months ago today.  As I look back on our celebration of Thanksgiving this past week, I am so very grateful for the career that allowed me to contribute to supporting our family, gave us the chance to travel to see so many beautiful places with our loved ones, and has allowed me to begin my retirement early.  I am grateful for the life we lead at Whisperwood, for the chance to walk among the trees, to see the flowers, feel the sun, rain, and snow on my face, and to be a part of the music of life. Most of all, I am thankful for my beloved Sue, our two wonderful sons, and all our loved ones. Living my love with them is the greatest gift of all.

Today, I share some thoughts about regret and redemption.  I am not a man who can say, as my father has, that I have no regrets.  I believe that I am a good man, but I know that some of my actions have failed to reflect the good in me.  There are actions I wish I could take back, and words I would unsay if I could. Some of my regrets are more profound and harder to bear. Though I’ve done nothing that should have seen me imprisoned, my remorse is very real, and I can be a prisoner of my regret at times. My deep belief in the power of redemption is partly inspired, I know, by my own very real need to feel that I have the opportunity in my life to redeem myself.

I imagine many of us fail to escape from our youth without regrets.  Our mistakes, and the remorse of regret, teach us important lessons. Parents wish they could teach their children well enough so that they might escape the sting of regret, and the slow pain of remorse.  I know that I harbor this wish for our sons. Still, it seems that many of us, and I am one, must learn through our mistakes and failures. I am deeply grateful for the lessons I have learned, and continue to learn, at the cost of regret and remorse.  I know that for those who fail to learn life’s deep lessons there is a different destiny waiting.

While I believe that the vast majority of my actions have reflected love, and have benefited my loved ones and community, I know that there have been moments when my actions have left others feeling hurt, angry, or disrespected.  Some of my regrets are for things I’ve done, said, or even thought, that no one else will ever know. Some regrets may seem small, but the lessons they teach stay with me. Long ago, I played a game with a loved one, lost, and was a poor sport about my losing.  We’ve never played that game again. My sadness and remorse at losing the chance to play it together have helped me remain a better loser.

I do not regret my feelings, though it can be hard not to regret my anger, for they can be my most honest teachers.  When I do the work to understand what my feelings are telling me, they can offer me some of the greatest insights into myself, and into my choices, actions, and opportunities for growth.  I have come to believe that there are no truly wrong thoughts or feelings. It is our choices and actions that can be right or wrong, and listening to the still small voice within speak through my emotions can help me make my choices.

Some of my actions have caused lasting damage, and these are the source of many of my deepest regrets.  Some have seen me betray my values, and some have helped to form my deepest convictions by teaching my hard lessons about things I never want to do again.  Where I have caused harm through my ignorance and selfishness, I wish I could truly make amends. I have apologized where I can, and have offered my apologies to the wind where the person I failed, hurt, or offended is lost to me now.  They do not owe me forgiveness, but I would cherish it if were granted me.

The worst of my failings are decades old, and I truly believe that I have grown to be a better man. The lessons I have learned in failing have informed my choices, values, and character. They have helped me as I’ve sought to provide leadership and guidance to others.  My regrets teach me still, and help me grow toward my best self. They can also leave me sleepless, and give me some of my most desolate times.

The best solace that I have found from the troubled nights and desolation of regret is in the notion of redemption.  When I look to the dictionary for a definition, I see that redemption is “the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.”  I also see that there is an archaic use of this word to mean the action of buying one’s freedom.

Recently, I had a conversation with one of my loved ones about regret and redemption, and found myself explaining what redemption means to me.  We talked about my opportunity to use regret to inspire me in acting to do my best to make things right. About my belief that it is possible to overcome my mistakes, failings, and weakness. To grow stronger in my ability to do what is right with love. To earn the right to feel more at peace with my regrets by acting on what I have learned from them.

I take comfort in the opportunity to atone for my failings, and buy my freedom from regret, by taking action to heal the hurt I’ve caused, serve my loved ones and community, especially in ways that address the harm from mistakes like mine, and by growing to be a better man.  Just as I work to live my love in my actions toward my beloveds, I know that it means more to take right action from my regret than to simply say “I’m sorry”.

I am grateful to have learned from my mistakes, and I continue learning, and acting on what I learn, to redeem myself.  Learning to forgive myself is the hardest lesson, and one I am still learning. I am still my own worst critic, and my regrettable actions when I am hard on myself have more to teach me.  I know that some of the triggers for my depression and anxiety are here in my struggles with regret. Perhaps for me the price of my deepest redemption is learning to forgive myself, and not to forget.

Ultimately, I honestly believe I have done far more good than ill, and have actively worked to leave the world a better place than I found it.  I know that I have given the greatest part of my energy to living my love for my beloveds and my community, and to continuing to grow toward being my best self.  May I find my way beyond my lingering regrets, forgiving myself and accepting redemption, so that the energy I now spend regretting can be devoted to living in love, and in peace.