"We shall not look back in anger or look forward in fear but look around in awareness." - James Thurber

Today, I am on vacation with loved ones and on my way to a beautiful lake in the Muskoka region of Canada. This week and next, I will publish essays I wrote in late August so that I can devote all my time and energy to being present here with these dear people. I’ll look forward to any comments you may share and respond to those when I am back in contact with the Internet. Sometimes, it is very nice to disconnect!

I am thinking about a way of dealing with difficult situations, and feelings, that I learned about as I got help with the depression that followed a serious illness. This approach, that has three key stages, awareness, acceptance, and action, made an important difference for me and I have frequently found it useful in the months that have followed my work with a wonderful therapist who helped me at that time.

This process of gaining awareness, moving towards acceptance, and finally choosing action has been helpful to me in my personal and professional life and I wish I had gained a better understanding of it earlier in my career. I had encountered these “three As” many years ago when I participated in the 12-step program, Al-Anon, to help myself learn how to deal with the behaviors associated with a dear friend’s alcoholism. They were certainly very helpful in that context and I see now that they could have benefited me more in other parts of my life over the years. At a high level, this process is one of taking time to become aware of my feelings about a difficult situation, allowing myself to accept those feelings as fact, and only then choosing action that will allow me to move forward in a way that will help me address the situation.

Awareness. First, I must take time to fully perceive how the situation is affecting me, how I feel about it, and how I am responding. One useful way of doing this is to consider what I fear will happen. Is there something important that I fear I will lose? Do I feel threatened in some way or pressured to act in a way that isn’t consistent with my values? By taking time to become aware of how the situation could affect me, and how I feel about that, I give myself valuable insight into what may be motivating my response and about concerns I might want to address when I am ready to act.

Acceptance. At this stage, I can feel tempted again to leap into action. After all, I know how I feel and what I am concerned about. Surely, that is enough and I can now act to put this discomfort behind me. In fact, it is important at this point to pause and take time to truly accept the situation for what it is. This requires me to be still, with an open mind and an open heart, and to come to a point where I can relate to what I have become aware of as fact. While I don’t have to agree with, or like, what is, I do have to truly accept the situation I am facing before I can choose action that is right for me. The Irish say “a tá sé” which means simply, “It is”. As I struggle to truly accept something difficult, I find this simple phrase a helpful test. Have I truly reached the point where I accept what is this simply and completely? Have I embraced it as fact and am I ready to use those facts to help inform my choices and actions?

I had a boss once, who I struggled with, who frequently said “It is what it is” in a way that felt less like acceptance than like frustrated surrender or an excuse for inaction. For a long time after we no longer worked together, I shied away from that phrase! I did find myself thinking when he’d say this, “Yes, it is what it is, but what are we going to do about it?” I look back now and see the impatience in that reaction. One of the most important things that I needed to learn to apply this approach to challenges in my life was that I must allow time for myself to work through the process. I have often felt that I wanted a solution to some problem as quickly as possible. While this is easy to understand, after all we’d all like to have feelings like sadness and discomfort end as soon as possible, it is simply true that it takes time to arrive at effective long-term responses to difficult situations. Only after I have gained an honest awareness of a difficult situation, and accepted what I have perceived as fact, will I be truly ready for action.

Action. Carl Rogers, a man who made great contributions to psychology, said “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This wisdom can be applied to the difficult situations we face in our lives and careers. When I accept the situation just as it is, then I can choose to act. This is the time to thoughtfully consider the alternatives before acting with clear intention. Building on a foundation of understanding my feelings, fears, and motivations, able to work with the facts about a situation that I have come to accept, I can choose the action that is best aligned with my goals and values.

The most difficult situations for me are those where I feel powerless. Where I feel that something I do not like has happened, or is happening, that I cannot change. This can be particularly difficult when what I cannot change are the consequences of my own actions. For example, when I have acted in some way that has caused hurt, anger, and distance between myself and a loved one. In these situations, applying the same approach of awareness, acceptance, and action is even more important for my eventual peace of mind and recognition that I can choose, and have chosen, the right course.

In fact, there is always something that I can change. Sometimes, that something is within myself and my choice of action does not involve any overt steps to change external circumstances. You see, this is the stage when I can also choose the attitude I will bring to my response to a situation. Having gained awareness and acceptance, I am much more able to embrace an attitude that reflects a genuine understanding of my circumstances, allows me to take responsibility for my choices, and act positively to make the best of the situation. The greatest power for good comes in making a choice, and owning responsibility for the results, even when that choice is to accept, and adjust my attitude toward, what is without overt action.

In my professional life, I have faced many difficult situations where applying this approach would have been helpful. These have included budget cuts that have resulted in the need for layoffs, situations where actions by a member of our team have required that I take disciplinary action, when I have been at odds with my immediate manager or with the direction taken by leadership, and many others. During the past year, I have faced situations like these ready to apply what I learned from my work with my patient and helpful therapist. I found that, while the situations were no less difficult to face, I have been able to respond to them more effectively and with less personal stress and anguish than in the past.

I’ll close today with one more thing I came to learn during my recent work to work through the episode of depression that followed my illness. With help, I came to realize that there are gifts I receive when I face, and deal with, the most difficult situations in my life. From my illness, I am grateful to have received the gifts of learning once again how my loved ones, and colleagues, lift me up and help me through the hardest times, and of appreciating more deeply how sharing love with my dear ones is the most important part of life for me, and the gift of understanding how awareness, acceptance, and action can help me face the challenges ahead. I hope my sharing my thoughts about this will help you benefit from that gift, too. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action can help us find Peace and Gratitude.