"Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born." - Nikola Tesla

"But you must give him some sign, some sign that you love him... or he'll never be a man. All his life he'll feel guilty and alone unless you release him." - John Steinbeck from "East of Eden"

I’ve been listening to Patti Smith read her book, “M Train”, and hearing her reflections about her life lived alone since the passing of her husband, Fred, has me thinking about my own relationship with being alone. I've also been thinking of a dear friend of my heart who seems to have a more developed awareness of the value of being alone, or quiet, with herself. I'm glad Patti Smith’s book triggered these thoughts and I respect and value what my friend has helped me learn about my own relationship with being alone.

Thanks to a book and a special friend, I’m writing today about how being alone is part of leadership. Deciding and acting alone as a leader has been difficult, necessary, and sometimes rewarding. When it has been rewarding, that has usually been because it has allowed me to do what I felt was right in ways that benefited those I have served. To the extent that it has allowed me to be a person of which my loved ones can be proud, I am very grateful.

When I am aware of how being alone feels to me, I realize that there is a self-absorption, or maybe self awareness, that I have when I am alone more than when I am with others. I sometimes feel this, too, when I am with others but we are quietly engaged in our own thoughts or pursuits. I don't usually feel lonely when I am alone. Sometimes I do experience a discomfort with how keenly aware I can become of my own thoughts, feelings, and history.

As I've grown, I have become more able to sit with this discomfort and to recognize it as a simple reality that is part of my experience. It is often the beginning of a deeper awareness that opens up like a flower. I also find that most of my inspiration for writing music, prose, or poetry, comes when I am alone and slowly blooms in a similar way. Time alone, or quiet, can provide peace and a space to think, feel, and regain my energy. I'm content with these feelings today and also aware that my relationship with them will continue and change throughout my life.

Being alone as a leader is a different part of my experience of being alone. I’ve found that the farther “up” the management hierarchy I’ve moved, the more I have become apart from those I lead while still working to remain as connected to them, and the work we do together, as I can. While I am still a part of the team, and while my approach to leadership emphasizes seeking input from those I lead, I am still alone in being responsible for the decisions I make and the consequences of those decisions. The results of our collective action belong to us all and I give the credit for our positive impact to the team. I consider the responsibility for negative outcomes, or inadequate action, primarily mine and I accept any criticism as input to help me lead more effectively.

I’ve heard it said that it is lonely at the top, but most of the time I wouldn’t agree. I have had lots of company from those I lead as they come to me for guidance, with problems, or proposals. We spend a great deal of time together in meetings, collaborating to identify solutions and plan projects, and I meet with other leaders at, and above, my own level as we pursue our work together. I’ve also had the good fortune to be part of a group of leaders who have been good colleagues, and good company, as we acted on the responsibilities that we each faced alone.

So, while I wouldn’t agree that it is usually lonely at the top, I am very conscious of the feeling of having often been alone when the moment came to make decisions. This feeling has been especially acute when the results of those decisions had significant impact on the personal lives, aspirations, and futures of those who work for me. For all my collaboration and openness to the ideas and proposals of others, the moment of choice is a moment alone, and so are the many moments that have followed some of these choices where I continued to wrestle with whether I had truly done the right thing. I’ve also known many times as a leader when I have felt surrounded, alone in a crowd, and wishing for some real quiet, alone, time when I could look for what is right, and for peace of mind.

My life as a man working to lead IT professionals has been a very busy, and frequently stressful, life. With commuting, the actual work day, being on call for emergencies all these years, and the other demands of my career, I’ve been lucky to have four or five hours each weekday to spend with my wife and family. My illness gave me new perspective and I consciously stepped away from 60-hour weeks to focus more time on what really matters. Weekends, holidays, and vacation have been very precious. I do take time to play music, to spend time with friends, and to go for rides in the country with my dear wife. Time alone, or quiet, has been rare during these years and I’ve even suffered a feeling of disappointment, or even irritation, at missing out on quiet time. I do get some time to write, to work in my wood shop, to walk, and for physical work that keeps my body busy while creating a quiet space to think.

Ultimately, time with our loved ones is so important and with the limited time I have, this is my priority. I take some quiet time, and some time alone, when I can, but I’ll choose time with the family, and with my beloved wife, at the expense of those quiet times. As much as I value that space to think, feel, and recharge, I value the opportunity to be close to my loved ones more. I’m also aware that time with our sons, and the families they form, may be harder to come by in retirement and I know I’d regret missing the chance to spend more time with them while we can.

In the end, this is another situation where choosing what is right means finding a balance that allows me to put my loved ones first, and also remember to treat myself as one of those loved ones. Having the joy of their presence in my life, and remembering why I work, has been the greatest comfort when I have felt alone as a leader. In retirement, I hope to have the luxury of lots of time with my loved ones, and time to make a difference in my community, along with more time for quiet reflection, music, writing and woodworking. We’ll see how that works out!

By the way, the amazing sweater in today's picture was handknit for me by my wonderful wife and partner, Sue. I'm a very lucky man and she is the best part of my luck.