“Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we're going to show." - Mignon McLaughlin

This week, we were very happy to have a surprise visit from our goddaughter who is visiting from Australia after completing field research in Vietnam for her doctorate in primatology. She is so very dear to us and it was a high point of this month to get to spend an evening with her. She was always a very bright and curious child and has grown to be a highly intelligent, curious, and compassionate adult. Every memory I have of her includes our sharing wonderful conversations about a wide range of intellectually and ethically challenging topics. Happily, this most recent visit was no exception.

It was fascinating to hear about her work observing a highly endangered primate species and the challenges and rewards of that experience. Living for a year in a culture where she was treated very much as an unusual outsider, dealing with the heat and humidity of the jungle environment, and learning that there was a name for the pain she developed from long hours peering through binoculars into the treetops where her subjects live were a few of the many topics we discussed. In case you are curious, the researchers call that last condition “monkey neck”.

The topic that inspired my reflections today is impostor syndrome. In the course of her research, our goddaughter came to realize that she suffers from this condition and then learned that it is very common among the other graduate students, and many of the PhD researchers as well. I shared with her that I’ve dealt with this throughout my professional career and we had a really good conversation about what it’s like to experience these feelings and some of the things we do to cope with them.

I first learned of this syndrome many years ago when I was talking with a friend who is one of our faculty. I described my feeling as though I was always faking it and that if people ever realized how often I was figuring things out on the spot, they’d reject me as fraud. She said, “Oh! That’s call impostiture. You’re not alone!” We talked more and and I learned that this is most common among high-achieving people and that my diligence and working hard to prove myself was a common response. Most helpful of all was the realization that I was not the only person dealing with feelings like these. I am still good friends with this, now retired, professor and still grateful for having bumped into her walking across campus that day.

If you find yourself doubting your accomplishments, feeling like a fraud and like you don’t truly deserve the success you’ve achieved, you’re not alone, either. Maya Angelou once said, “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’ ” Impostor Syndrome was first described in the 1970s by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes and is very common. Research in the ‘80s found that 70% of people feel like impostors at one time of another and that 40% of successful people have this feeling that they are frauds. It is not considered a disorder. Rather it is an area of research and used informally to describe people who have difficulty internalizing and accepting their accomplishments despite objective evidence of their success.

My own experience with these feelings is typical based on what I have read. I often feel that I am somehow fooling others into believing that I am more competent than I believe I am, and that my successes are the result of good fortune and fortunate timing rather than my own ability. I am also uncomfortable expressing confidence in my abilities or accepting compliments about my achievements. Instead, I will respond in ways that discount my contributions to avoid being “found out” and rejected.

I feel a great pressure not to fail, and be exposed as incompetent, and I fear success because being successful could call more attention to me and make it more likely that I will be exposed as a phony. These feelings are starkly at odds with my great need to be loved, and for reassurance. The tendency in our culture to equate success with worthiness adds to this conflict. My strong belief that love is the most important connection we share, and that true love is unconditional and not tied to success or any other external factor, has been important to my maintaining my self esteem in the face of these feelings.

If you deal with feelings like those associated with Impostor Syndrome, there are some things you can do to help deal with them. Talk with others you trust to help understand that you are not alone and to get a reality check. Work on becoming aware of when you are having thoughts and feelings that question your intelligence and competence, and on gently examining these. Looking at your abilities and accomplishments more objectively can help you develop a more balanced internal dialog. Look at the messages you give yourself and how you might change these. Instead of telling myself that I am making things up as I go, I work on remembering that I have the ability to draw on my years of experience to identify good solutions.

It can be very helpful to remind yourself that no one is perfect and that expecting perfection isn’t very fair. I find that thinking about how I would treat a dear friend or loved one, and what I would expect of them, and then comparing that to how I am treating myself, helps me avoid treating myself unfairly. I often comment to my friends, loved ones, and colleagues about their strengths and fine qualities. It can be very helpful to take a moment to consciously remember what I do well, too. I am also working on responding to compliments with a simple, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

There are good resources that may help if you deal with Impostor Syndrome like I do. The counselling center at CalTech provides a good overview of Impostor Syndrome and support for students who deal with these feelings. https://counseling.caltech.edu/general/InfoandResources/Impostor I found an article in the November 2013 issue of gradPSYCH magazine from The American Psychological Association helpful. http://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud.aspx I’ve also benefited from working with a therapist to deal with a number of issues including this one. It’s worthwhile considering that you have the option of talking to someone who can help.

It’s also worth noting that if you are concerned about your performance, most likely it is good or better. The research in this area finds that those who question their performance are very likely to underestimate their abilities while those who are highly confident in their abilities often overestimate their performance. Even Albert Einstein struggled with feelings like these at times. A month before his death, he confided in a friend that “the exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”

In this, as in many other challenges in life, I’d encourage you to be gentle with yourself. I will be working to do the same.