“The wisest man just goes on living
Takes the days that he is given
Counts his blessings up to ten
Makes his mark begins again.” - David Francey from his song, “Poorer Then”
I’ve been retired for six months today, and I’m enjoying this new chapter of my life very much. We have just celebrated thanksgiving and I am thankful for everyone who helped me earn the opportunity to enjoy retirement. Most of all I am grateful for my wonderful partner, Sue. Without her, I’m quite certain that I would not be where I am today. With her, retirement is even more wonderful.
I am grateful to the mentors and colleagues who saw more in me than I saw in myself, who helped me learn the lessons I needed to learn, and who worked alongside me all those years. I am especially thankful for the colleagues who became friends, and the friends who became family. These precious loved ones have added so much joy and richness to my life.
I feel a gratitude beyond words to my family and all my loved ones. To our sons who fill my heart with pride every day. To my sisters who have warmed my life with love since we were very small indeed. To their kind and loving husbands, and the families they have made together. Nieces, nephew, and now great-nieces and nephews, too! To all the little ones in my life. You help me remember what matters most. To my brother-in-law and his wife. Ours is a close family and one of my very greatest blessings. To my parents who helped me grow, and welcomed me home when I wandered. Especially to my mother. In so many ways, I am who I am because of her.
Among the things I said thanks for this Thanksgiving, is the ability to keep growing always. That is really coming in handy! Among other things, I am still learning how to find a rhythm in retirement. It remains far busier than I ever imagined. This also reminds me to thank everyone I spoke to as I planned for my retirement. You told me to expect this! I imagined I would have more time for the things I wrote about doing in retirement. I expect I will have time for them in the months and years ahead, but I’m having to adjust my expectations as to how much, and how quickly.
Retired life isn’t perfect, of course. I have had some of the same challenges with depression that I have had most of my life, and it is important for me to focus on all the wonderful things I have to be grateful for and not the few that I find dissatisfying or disappointing. Fortunately, as an optimist, I’m pretty good at that! Most challenging are the ways in which I can be dissatisfied with myself. I am conscious of my regrets, flaws, and failings. I am taking some specific steps to address these. It is helpful to remind myself of all that is good about me, and that I am still a work in progress in retirement. A work that I can improve with honesty and effort.
I have also found that I can need reassurance, and this remains true in retirement. I don’t always ask for the reassurance I need. I tend to be a very positive person and I’m upbeat much of the time. I try to appear that way even when I’m having the tougher moments we all experience. When I was working, I used to believe I could always make things right or better by working harder. I’m sure that was nonsense, but it did seem reassuring. Now, it feels like I don’t really have that option, though I work hard on things at home to help myself feel useful and valuable. Sometimes I ask loved ones for the reassurance I need. I am also working to reassure myself so that I require less reassurance from others. I think of my loved ones and remember the many positive and loving things they have said about me as we share our lives together. I remind myself that I am loved, look honestly at myself, and see that I’m doing many good things in my life.
I believe that what I am experiencing is a normal part of my adjusting to retirement. As I change the way I spend my time, I am also learning to bring a new perspective to understanding that I am making good choices, and making meaningful contributions in the lives of those around me. I also remind myself that it is perfectly appropriate for me to enjoy my retirement! My wife and I have always supported each other in the idea that communication is a good thing. Open, caring, communication is one of the best ways to keep my relationships with my loved ones strong and to let light into my dark places where it can help me see myself more clearly. It is in communicating the deep love I feel, through my actions as well as my words, that I find some of my most genuine and peaceful moments.
As we’ve talked, Sue has reminded me of some of the best advice I received as I prepared for retirement. That there would be many demands on my time, that I would need to have a plan, and priorities, for my time, and that it would be wise to make sure to set time aside for myself. Time to honor my priorities and the things that bring me joy, including my relationships, music, reading, writing, and time outdoors in the natural world. With her encouragement, I’ve set a day aside each week to do as I please. These “me days” help us both make time for what matters.
As I take time for projects, chores, errands, and appointments that are entirely necessary, and often very satisfying, I remember paraphrasing and old Zen saying to read ”Before retirement. Chop wood. Carry water. After retirement. Chop wood. Carry water.” That is certainly true. There is always much to do, and figuring out how to set, and honor, the right priorities has been an important part of what I’ve been learning. We’re making time for many things, and these have included the practical things that need doing, and lots of time for travel, family, friends, and fun, too. I am satisfied and happy to keep learning. With the changing seasons, the rhythms of my life in retirement change as well. I have replaced swimming at the lake with other exercise for the winter. As I prepare for more indoor time, I am also making time to be outdoors and in wilderness, hiking and walking when the weather is fine, and continuing to go with Sue to Yosemite each month.
I feel my awareness of gratitude rising again as I think back on these past six months. I’ve begun to learn what it means for me to be retired. I’ve worked and played alongside my beloved partner. We’ve spent time with family, traveled to find new and beautiful places, and to share time with our loved ones. I’ve had the chance to laugh, and talk, sing, and sit quietly with those I love. To walk, and sit alone with the beauty of nature around me. To think about what matters, and to stop thinking and simply be. I am a very lucky man.
