“The wisest man just goes on living

Takes the days that he is given

Counts his blessings up to ten

Makes his mark begins again.” - David Francey from his song, “Poorer Then”

I’ve been retired for six months today, and I’m enjoying this new chapter of my life very much. We have just celebrated thanksgiving and I am thankful for everyone who helped me earn the opportunity to enjoy retirement. Most of all I am grateful for my wonderful partner, Sue. Without her, I’m quite certain that I would not be where I am today. With her, retirement is even more wonderful.

I am grateful to the mentors and colleagues who saw more in me than I saw in myself, who helped me learn the lessons I needed to learn, and who worked alongside me all those years. I am especially thankful for the colleagues who became friends, and the friends who became family. These precious loved ones have added so much joy and richness to my life.

I feel a gratitude beyond words to my family and all my loved ones. To our sons who fill my heart with pride every day. To my sisters who have warmed my life with love since we were very small indeed. To their kind and loving husbands, and the families they have made together. Nieces, nephew, and now great-nieces and nephews, too! To all the little ones in my life. You help me remember what matters most. To my brother-in-law and his wife. Ours is a close family and one of my very greatest blessings. To my parents who helped me grow, and welcomed me home when I wandered. Especially to my mother. In so many ways, I am who I am because of her.

Among the things I said thanks for this Thanksgiving, is the ability to keep growing always. That is really coming in handy! Among other things, I am still learning how to find a rhythm in retirement. It remains far busier than I ever imagined. This also reminds me to thank everyone I spoke to as I planned for my retirement. You told me to expect this! I imagined I would have more time for the things I wrote about doing in retirement. I expect I will have time for them in the months and years ahead, but I’m having to adjust my expectations as to how much, and how quickly.

Retired life isn’t perfect, of course. I have had some of the same challenges with depression that I have had most of my life, and it is important for me to focus on all the wonderful things I have to be grateful for and not the few that I find dissatisfying or disappointing. Fortunately, as an optimist, I’m pretty good at that! Most challenging are the ways in which I can be dissatisfied with myself. I am conscious of my regrets, flaws, and failings. I am taking some specific steps to address these. It is helpful to remind myself of all that is good about me, and that I am still a work in progress in retirement. A work that I can improve with honesty and effort.

I have also found that I can need reassurance, and this remains true in retirement. I don’t always ask for the reassurance I need. I tend to be a very positive person and I’m upbeat much of the time. I try to appear that way even when I’m having the tougher moments we all experience. When I was working, I used to believe I could always make things right or better by working harder. I’m sure that was nonsense, but it did seem reassuring. Now, it feels like I don’t really have that option, though I work hard on things at home to help myself feel useful and valuable. Sometimes I ask loved ones for the reassurance I need. I am also working to reassure myself so that I require less reassurance from others. I think of my loved ones and remember the many positive and loving things they have said about me as we share our lives together. I remind myself that I am loved, look honestly at myself, and see that I’m doing many good things in my life.

I believe that what I am experiencing is a normal part of my adjusting to retirement. As I change the way I spend my time, I am also learning to bring a new perspective to understanding that I am making good choices, and making meaningful contributions in the lives of those around me. I also remind myself that it is perfectly appropriate for me to enjoy my retirement! My wife and I have always supported each other in the idea that communication is a good thing. Open, caring, communication is one of the best ways to keep my relationships with my loved ones strong and to let light into my dark places where it can help me see myself more clearly. It is in communicating the deep love I feel, through my actions as well as my words, that I find some of my most genuine and peaceful moments.

As we’ve talked, Sue has reminded me of some of the best advice I received as I prepared for retirement. That there would be many demands on my time, that I would need to have a plan, and priorities, for my time, and that it would be wise to make sure to set time aside for myself. Time to honor my priorities and the things that bring me joy, including my relationships, music, reading, writing, and time outdoors in the natural world. With her encouragement, I’ve set a day aside each week to do as I please. These “me days” help us both make time for what matters.

As I take time for projects, chores, errands, and appointments that are entirely necessary, and often very satisfying, I remember paraphrasing and old Zen saying to read ”Before retirement. Chop wood. Carry water. After retirement. Chop wood. Carry water.” That is certainly true. There is always much to do, and figuring out how to set, and honor, the right priorities has been an important part of what I’ve been learning. We’re making time for many things, and these have included the practical things that need doing, and lots of time for travel, family, friends, and fun, too. I am satisfied and happy to keep learning. With the changing seasons, the rhythms of my life in retirement change as well. I have replaced swimming at the lake with other exercise for the winter. As I prepare for more indoor time, I am also making time to be outdoors and in wilderness, hiking and walking when the weather is fine, and continuing to go with Sue to Yosemite each month.

I feel my awareness of gratitude rising again as I think back on these past six months. I’ve begun to learn what it means for me to be retired. I’ve worked and played alongside my beloved partner. We’ve spent time with family, traveled to find new and beautiful places, and to share time with our loved ones. I’ve had the chance to laugh, and talk, sing, and sit quietly with those I love. To walk, and sit alone with the beauty of nature around me. To think about what matters, and to stop thinking and simply be. I am a very lucky man.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"Yesterday I was clever and tried to change the world. Today I am wise and try to change myself." - Rumi

As of yesterday, I’ve been retired for three months and I thought I’d share a few thoughts about my experience in retirement so far. Some things are about as I’d expected, some of my expectations have been unrealistic, there have been a few surprises, and it’s clear that I am still settling into this new stage of my life. Whatever my normal pattern will be in retirement, it’s pretty clear I haven’t really established that yet. I’m sure that pattern will evolve over the course of the years ahead in any case.

One of the most wonderful things about retirement is how much I am enjoying it, and especially having more time with my loved ones. Being able to drive off into our mountains together, including trips to Yosemite, is great! I found myself sitting with Sue and our two sons on a weekday afternoon just visiting and spending time together, and realized what an amazing gift it is to have this time with each other. None of us has had the restriction of traveling only on weekends this summer, and it has been great to be able to visit family, and take a trip to the coast. It’s been very lovely to get away with Sue for a few short trips to some of our favorite places, and to share some new adventures. We are both loving the freedom to do things spontaneously in retirement, too. To simply wake up and say, “Let’s go!”

Among the expectations I had that have proven unrealistic is that I thought I would have even more time and flexibility than I do. While the freedom I have to choose how I spend my time is amazing, the number of things I’d like, or need, to do with that time is astonishing. I find that I am beginning to realize just how right my retired friends have been when they’ve told me “I don’t know how I ever had time to work!” We are getting a lot done around the house and yard, and it’s great to see so many projects we’ve wanted to work on getting done. I’m also getting time for woodworking, and some more time with music.

I also find that the amount of time I need to spend with the administrative details of life is greater than I imagined. Arranging things that involve others outside our family, such as auto repairs, doctors appointments, financial matters, and similar activities can keep me pretty busy at times! I still don't have my home office settled, and haven't really settled into a pattern for how to spend my days. I'm not worried about that, and I'm sure I’ll find a pattern, and that it will change over time. I am looking forward to seeing how I continue to adapt to this new combination of freedom and different responsibilities. I am also more rested, have more energy, am more relaxed, and I don’t have to try as had to be pleasant. I do sometimes still find myself amazed not to have to go back to work on Mondays!

It seems that time is moving faster in retirement. I’m not quite sure how best to describe this, but it feels as though the end of the day arrives sooner than I expect it to, and that weeks move by more quickly than when I was working. This really isn’t a bad thing, just a difference. Even if the days seem to fly by more quickly, I have more options for what to do with my time, and I don’t have the feeling of having to get everything I want to do done over a weekend or in the evenings. Sometimes, I feel like I'm late getting back from vacation, and that there will be a price to pay in unread email, and work that has piled up during my absence. I find myself looking for the something that is missing, and realize this is me wondering where the things are that I was so frequently stressed about before.

I have been glad to keep in touch with colleagues from work, and have enjoyed the opportunity to have lunch with some of them over these past months. It’s also been great to go back to the university to attend retirement celebrations for some special colleagues, and to wish them well in this next chapter of their lives. I even went back to work for one day to act as a consultant as the team I had been working with did strategic planning for the years ahead. I admit that I don’t miss the day-to-day demands of my job, and that I enjoyed spending time working with these fine people again as they looked at the bigger issues and opportunities. I’ll always feel grateful to have worked with them, and to have been able to finish my career feeling proud and happy of the work we shared together. I still smile each time I think of the great send off they gave me!

One part of a daily pattern that has begin to take shape for me is time for exercise, and time out doors. I had talked about swimming in the lake near our home and my wonderful partner, Sue, gave me a gentle nudge not long after I retired by reminding me I could actually do this now. It has become a special, relaxing, peaceful, and invigorating part of almost every day when we are at home. I think this daily activity, and time with nature, is an important part of how rested and energetic I feel these days. I’m also proud that I swam a mile earlier this month for the first time since I was 15! I love that my new commute is to the lake and back, and I’m looking now at what I will do for a similar daily activity during the colder winter months.

While I haven’t found more time for some of the more reflective aspects of my life, yet, I do find myself spending some of my swimming time in reflection. As always, our times in nature often find me in a reflective mood. Recently, as we were walking and beachcombing along the Northern California coast, I found this quiet and peaceful time helped me reflect on love, prayer, and faith. I know that some believe that we can draw things into our lives by thinking of, or praying for, them. I believe that most of the time, we don’t change the universe around us with our thoughts and prayers so much as we change ourselves, and how we see and relate to all that is around us.

I’ve read about the idea of attracting abundance into our lives. I don’t think we bring more pennies into our lives by thinking of them, but that we remind ourselves to see those that are already there more readily. In a much more meaningful and important way, I find that thinking of, and praying for, my beloveds helps me be more readily and keenly aware of the beauty, wonder, grace, and love they bring into my lives. Attending to their love, kindness, intelligence, warmth, creativity, compassion, and courage I feel my love and appreciation for them grow naturally stronger.

I do find myself praying for blessings for my loved ones, for their wellbeing, and for healing when they are ill or hurting. There, I feel myself entering into the realm of faith. I cannot explain how my thoughts and prayers for them could change their lives directly for the better. I know they help me keep my own actions and choices better aligned with what is best for those I love. Beyond that, I find myself thinking of the common belief that seems to be present in all our spiritual traditions in a love that weaves our universe, and all of us in it, together. Somehow, we are one beyond the limitations of space and time, and I have faith that through our love we always will be.

As I look ahead to my retirement years, I find myself thinking again of the stages of development defined by Erik and Joan Erikson and the choices they use to describe these. I am traveling through the later portion of my adulthood, with its choice between generativity and stagnation. I am approaching my old age with it’s choice between integrity and despair. I hope that I will continue to choose to emphasize what is positive so that I may live my live with the care and wisdom they associate with the healthy choices of generativity and integrity. While it is undeniable that the years take things from us, it has been my experience that they give us far more.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“I’m a patchwork quilt of the people inside my heart” - Antsy McClain  

Today, I am retired. I will write one last essay in this series, and call it complete. I imagine I will add some thoughts about retirement here from time to time, and I plan to write about other things. I appreciate everyone who has read and commented on these essays, and the thoughts and feelings that they have expressed. I’m glad to have spent this time sharing my thoughts and feelings about my career, and what has mattered most to me. Today, I will finish this work by expressing appreciation to my loved ones. They have been the most important reason for my work, and they fill my life with love and joy.

The greatest joy in my life, is that I share it with my beloved Sue and our two sons. I can tend to save the best for last. Today, I will start with these most special people in my life. There are no words to express what they mean to me. The closest I can come is to try to describe the amazing, warm, feeling of overflowing love that comes over me often when we are together, and as I think of them when we are apart. Suddenly, I am close to tears of joy, and it as if I am being lifted up by a warm feeling that starts in my chest and spreads throughout my body. I feel so connected to my loved ones, so blessed that we share our lives together, so certain of our love for one another, and so very grateful. I am called to do what is right, with love. Sharing myself with them is the most right, and loving, thing in my life.

Finding Sue changed my life. I would not be the man I am today if not for her. She stood by me through the darkest times I’ve ever known, and helped me emerge from those times as a better person. She brought me home to my family when I had been apart from them. She gave me the precious gift of a family of our own. Thanks to her, I am a father, and a better brother, son, uncle, and friend. With her, I am my best self, and giving myself to her as husband and partner fills my heart with joy. She is an amazing mother, and I treasure the gift of raising our sons with her. To have seen them grow from tiny precious infants, to curious, funny, energetic boys, and now to fine men, has filled my life with joy and meaning.

Our sons are kind and strong. I am so proud of them both, and they bring me such joy. Our older son, CJ, is wonderfully gentle, curious, kind, and persistent. The joy on his face when he is sharing something that he is passionate about, and his uninhibited laughter when he sees something funny light our lives. His commitment to working hard to help out, and his sense of wonder are exceptional. He has taught me more about listening than anyone else I know. Our younger son, John, has a passion for justice, and a wonderful, quirky, sense of humor. He is open-minded and generous, loyal, modest, and highly intelligent. His innate desire to treat others with fairness, and to share the wonder and interest he finds as his curious mind leads him to explore, enrich our lives every day. Working to deserve our sons’ trust and respect makes me a better man.

I am so very grateful for the love and support of my parents, and for the way Sue’s parents, John and Fran, welcomed me into their family. My father helped to teach me the values that are at the center of who I am. To give my best, to trust, and to love. To put my loved ones first. My mother had even more to do with my becoming myself. Her gentle strength, and enduring love, were a constant in my life as I grew to be a man. I learned how to live my values from her, and I’m grateful that people see so much of her in me. She gave me courage to be myself, and her unconditional love calls me to love unconditionally.

Sue’s parents opened their home and hearts to me, and I loved the time we had together. John’s keen intelligence, and wonderful laugh, and Fran’s warm smile, and loving presence, still bring me joy today as I remember them. After my mother died, Dad remarried, and I am grateful for my step-mother, Eunice, and her wonderful family. She’s brought her own special sparkle to our family gatherings, and she’s been so good for Dad. As I think of my parents, I remember my wonderful grandparents and their loving presence in my life. Each brought some special wisdom and kindness, and I learned love and patience from them.

I am very fortunate to have two loving sisters, Nancy and Lynne, who each found great partners, and Sue’s wonderful brother, Steve, and his wife, Debbie, in my life. The love of family brings me such joy, and comfort! When I think of Nancy, I think of the smile that lights her whole face, and crinkles her eyes, how warm, welcoming and understanding she is, and how much she gives to her family and friends. I think of her kindness, creativity, strength, courage, and sense of fun. Her husband Dave is warm, creative, funny, and so caring. I love seeing their joy in their children, and now grandchildren. They made their home the place that all the neighborhood children felt welcome, and this is the place our family most often gathers.

When I think of Lynne, some of the first things that come to mind are her creativity, her sense of humor, and her laughter. She is keenly intelligent, has a wonderful aesthetic sense of style, color and form, and a great talent for, and understanding of, music. I also admire her sense of adventure, her courage and her willingness to work hard to achieve her goals. Her husband Eric is funny, smart, and courageous in his creativity. He sees new possibilities that others might miss. With a life in the arts, they have lived all over the world, and embraced change in ways that I can only imagine.

Sue’s brother, Steve, is so giving, and committed to living his values. He is caring and funny, curious, and creative. He amazes me with what he can do with a camera, with his skill with wood, and every aspect of building and making things beautiful. His wife Debbie is kind, and so dedicated to serving others. They give so much to their community, and I admire the way they make a difference together. I’m so glad they live nearby, and I love our sharing the holidays together.

Our nieces and nephew bring me such joy. I remember them as tiny babies, and marvel at how quickly they have grown into the fun and interesting people they are today. My niece, Heather, and her kind husband, Kellen, have made a home with the lovely family feeling that Nancy and Dave created when Heather was small. Their two wonderful children bring endless love and joy to our family gatherings, and Sue and I are loving being great aunt and uncle to these little ones. Our nephew Andy is a kind and funny man and, his gentle humor and creativity bring me such joy. I’m so glad we share a love for music and get to play together! Eric and Lynne’s daughter Anna is another wonderful light for our family. She is creative and intelligent, and I look forward to what comes next for her as she has just recently graduated in design from a university in Florence, Italy.

I could go on writing much more about family. Ours is such a source of joy and love for me! We look forward to a lovely family wedding in October, and enjoyed a wonderful gathering of cousins earlier this spring. Family and friends make life sweet for me, and I am so fortunate in both. My music friends, Yosemite friends, SHARE friends, university colleagues who have become friends, old friends and new. Oh, what a lucky man I am to have such people in my life!

Some friends make such a difference in our lives that it can be hard to describe how much they mean to us. For me, our dear friends Martin and Cathy hold that special place in my heart. With Sue, they are the family I’ve found and, with the family I was born to, these are the people with whom I am most able to be myself. Sue, Martin, and Cathy are my best friends. It’s amazing to be married to my best friend, and for the two of us to have found these two very special people. We enjoy our time together traveling, relaxing at each other’s homes, and looking back at the memories we’ve made together. Over the years, their families have become like family for us.

Of all the men I’ve met in my life, Martin is the one who I am most comfortable with, closest to, and most enjoy spending time with. He is so easy for me to talk with, and so relaxing to be around.  I admire the fierce commitment to his family that underlies the gentle surface of this fine man. Martin is someone I can trust completely, and a friend with whom I can be entirely myself; knowing that he will accept me with all my faults and foibles, and that spending time with him helps me find my best self. I love Martin’s gentle loyalty, fundamental kindness, and deep love for his family. To see him look at Cathy, their girls, and grandchildren with that love in his eyes is to catch a glimpse of his great, quiet, strength. I’ve never had a brother. I imagine a good relationship with a brother would feel something like my friendship with Martin.

 
When I think of Cathy, I almost always feel more relaxed and at peace. I think of her quiet gentleness and the word serene comes to mind. Then I think of her laughing and remember her delightfully mischievous, fun-loving, side. I love Cathy’s curiosity, creativity, and wonderful eye for beauty. Her ability to work with the beauty of nature in her garden is lovely, and I admire her ability to find and honor solitude. She has helped make the silence comfortable for me, and helped me begin to find new ways to be quiet and enjoy this peaceful experience. I think this may be one of the things that makes a walk in the wilderness even more peaceful when we share it with her. She is deeply intelligent, thoughtful and kind. She is loving, loyal, compassionate, and courageous. Some of my favorite pictures of her are those that capture joy and wonder in her face and, especially, those that show her wonderful love for Martin and their family.

And so, I find myself thinking of Sue again, and I find that I am more feeling than thinking, and that my heart is overflowing with love. I feel happy, safe and incredibly lucky to share my life, and the years ahead, with this wonderful person. I love the sound of her laughter, her kindness and intelligence, and the warmth in her beautiful green eyes. I look back on so many shared adventures and dreams, on good times we've enjoyed, and challenges we've faced together. I look forward to many more years of working together to make our dreams real, standing by each other through whatever comes, and playing together on so many adventures that lie ahead. I am so grateful to have this keenly intelligent, kind, loving, courageous, passionate, creative, fun-loving, loyal, and authentic woman by my side. From Sue I have learned what love really means. What it is like to be loved for who I really am.

I began today’s essay with a quote from Antsy McLain. He’s a wonderful singer/songwriter, and this is from one of my favorite songs of his, “I’m Everyone”. He captures in that song the feeling I hope to express today. I owe how I am who I am, to the people I’ve written about today. To the way they have helped me find myself in relationship with them. It is thanks to their love that I have grown to be the man I am, and have the courage, grace, and love to live as I do. These ones who know me best, sometimes better than I know myself, and choose to love me just as I am, have made such a difference in my life. I have learned precious lessons about love and loving from them all.

As I turn the page and begin this next chapter in my life, I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I stand here both because of my own efforts, and because of all they did to help me learn through the hard times, and to help me grow in joy during the good times. Among the things I look forward to doing in retirement, spending time with my loved ones shines bright. I wonder what I will learn, and how I will grow, in these years ahead, and I know that they will continue to make this journey meaningful, sweet, and filled with love for me. I am looking forward to the years ahead with my dear ones, and to the adventures, out in the world, and within myself, that I hope to experience.

You can find Antsy McClain’s song “I’m Everyone” on YouTube at this link: https://youtu.be/vaAVcmAm7jc

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements compared with what we owe to the help of others." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer in "Letters and Papers from Prison"

By this time next week, I will be retired. I plan to write one more essay then to reflect on the loved ones who make my life so very special, and to look forward to the years of retirement ahead. Today, I’m looking back to thank my loved ones, mentors, friends, and colleagues for all they’ve done to help me throughout my career. They’ve helped me grow, professionally and personally. They’ve helped me through the hard times by being there for me with compassion, encouragement, comfort, and advice. They’ve increased my joy and peace in the good times, making them sweeter by sharing them with me.

I am a very fortunate man. I have spent the past 40 years or so working with people of good character who have made these working years more rewarding, and satisfying. With their intelligence and wisdom, they have taught me. Helping me gain the skills and knowledge I needed to program, configure, and maintain the computers I’ve worked with, and to become an effective manager and leader for the people who share this work. With their creativity and skill, they have been my partners in solving the fascinating, and frustrating, problems we’ve faced, and in finding solutions to improve the services we’ve offered.

With their patience, compassion, and courage, they have stood with me as we survived lean times, layoffs, and other crises in the workplace. With their strength and humanity, they have helped me through personal loss and illness. They have encouraged me in my efforts to find a way to do the demanding work I must while learning to manage the stress that threatened my health. With their gentle kindness, they have helped me celebrate milestones in my career, and shared the joy and satisfaction of our accomplishments together.

This past Wednesday, my great colleagues at the university came together to host a very moving, and fun, celebration of my years here, and to wish me well in my retirement. I was touched by the many kind and lovely things they had to say about me, my work, and my influence on them and our shared mission. I’ve always found it difficult to accept praise. Given how much I trust and admire these fine people, I did my best to simply appreciate, and believe, their kind words. As one of my very best friends wrote to me about this special time, I will treasure the memory of that afternoon, and “remember all those true and kind words”. It was all that I could have hoped for, and more. I am deeply grateful and happy. I will miss these people and look forward to seeing them again.

I have grown with the guidance of several wonderful mentors over the years. Their insightful questions, helpful challenges, abiding confidence, and enduring impact on my choices have helped me grow in every aspect of my professional life. Their examples have also served to shape my approach to my personal life and relationships. They have helped me learn to do the work I must while honoring my deep commitment to the loved ones who are my reason for working. I have also had the opportunity to mentor many great colleagues over the years, and I know I have gained at least as much from the time we’ve shared together as they have. As I have helped them learn about themselves, they have taught me so much.

My many years as a volunteer with SHARE (www.share.org) remain one of the best things I’ve done in my professional life. Learning with my friends and colleagues there was so satisfying as we worked together to provide enterprise computing professionals with the best training, networking, and opportunities to influence the industry. Volunteering there gave me valuable experience, and I found lifelong friends in the process. I first learned each skill I was to use as a manager at the university as a volunteer with the SHARE projects, and as a member of their board of directors. We worked so well together, and with such respect and dedication. When the work was over, we played well together, too. Some of our best travel opportunities over these years were thanks to my work at SHARE!

Throughout these years of work, I’ve enjoyed the company of many wonderful friends. They have helped make the good times better, and the hard times easier. We come together in our shared enjoyment of making music, making things from wood and iron, and making beer. We come together in a shared commitment to volunteering at SHARE and Yosemite National Park, and in the work we shared together at the university. We come together in our local community, and across the miles. As the years of working in my profession come to an end, I know the friendships that have helped make these years wonderful will continue into retirement.

I am especially thankful for my family, and all my loved ones. It is with them that I find my greatest joy, satisfaction and love. They are the ones whose love and strength have sustained me in my darkest hours, and the ones with whom I share, and who bring me, my greatest times of happiness and peace. My sisters, brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, nieces, nephew, and their families. The special beloved friends who have become family, and family that have become dear friends to me. As I look forward to retirement, having more time with these dear ones, and my dearest beloveds, is what I hope for most.

Of all my good fortune, the best part of my luck is having found my wonderful Sue, and our raising our two fine sons together. With her, I have become my best self. She has made it safe for me to offer myself at my best, and challenged me in the most wonderful ways to grow and flourish in love. I am so very proud of the fine person that she is. Of her creative fire, deep strength and compassion, fine intelligence, gentle wisdom, and warm strong love. I am so happy with her. I am so proud and grateful for our sons. They are strong, funny, kind, and dedicated to doing what is right. They are good men who are growing in their goodness. I am a very lucky man to be part of this family.

I look forward to sharing love and wonder with my beloved friends and family as we continue to grow together in the years ahead. Walking in the forests and the mountains, and along the shores. Gazing up at the stars, and into the faces of our loved ones. Sharing the joy that is ours as we come together, and the sweet memories we make. May the happy times when our laughter rings together filling the air with music, and the quiet times when the deep comfort of our love brings us contentment and tranquility, fill these years ahead with joy.

I also took a moment this weekend to record a version of John Hartford's wonderful song, "In Tall Buildings". You can find that recording on YouTube at https://youtu.be/b1PUKyhB2c4 I surely am looking forward to retirement and coming home!

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"It seems that perfection is attained not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Two weeks from today, I will be celebrating Memorial Day as a retired man. As I look forward to that new adventure, I am also looking back over my years working in IT and thinking about what has made that experience most satisfying and meaningful to me. It’s clear that working with others to make a difference in people’s lives, and having the opportunity to work with my beloved Sue to make a good life for ourselves and our children are essential to why my work has mattered.

Exploring my thoughts and feelings about my career as I’ve written this series of essays has helped my gain a clearer understanding of my life’s mission to do what is right, with love. My awareness of my desire to fulfill this mission touches every aspect of my life, and informs my every action. In my personal life, it calls me to seek ways to engage in my relationships with my loved ones that reflect a growing understanding of them, of myself, and of our needs, hopes, dreams, and sources of joy and wonder. I seek to grow ever closer to these special people. To respect and honor the precious gift of love that we share.

I’ve looked for ways to make a difference in the lives of the people in our community, and I’ve been so fortunate to share a meaningful mission with my colleagues at work as our university gives us the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our students and their families. Along the way, we’ve made a difference in each others' lives as well, and I feel so fortunate to have shared this work with such wonderful people.

This past Thursday, I had the lovely experience of seeing my first graduating student of this season prepared for her celebration of this special accomplishment. As I left another meeting, she was standing in front of our library in her cap and gown with bright red and blue helium balloons waiting for her family. Her face was filled with joy and pride, and it warmed my heart to see her. I stopped to tell her how much I enjoy this part of our academic year, when our students faces change from showing the effort and anxiety of final exams, to reflecting the relief and excitement of the end of the academic year. I congratulated her, and thanked her for being the reason we do what we do here. She seemed surprised and pleased. I know that seeing her was the best part of my day on campus!

I’ve talked with many colleagues here who share my feeling that the greatest attraction of our work is our shared opportunity to make a difference. While we are grateful for the living we make, and the life it allows us to provide for ourselves and our families, no one works at a public university because they are motivated primarily by money. We come here, and stay here, because we know the work we do matters. We provide the support our students and faculty need to use technology together to enhance their experience of teaching and learning. We are part of a process that allows people to work to change their lives, and our world, for the better. It is deeply satisfying to be part of something so meaningful.

It is in relationship with others, and especially with by loved ones, that I continue to become myself. It is through working to act in the most loving way on my feelings toward others that I have found my mission to do what is right, with love. As I grow closer to my loved ones, while honoring each person’s individual character, and respecting their need for personal time, space and privacy, I have learned to consider how my actions either support, or undermine, my intentions. I work to apply these lessons more broadly in my life.

I believe that there are no wrong thoughts or feelings, so it is not what I think and feel, but my choices as I act on these make all the difference. I am constantly working to grow and learn from my inevitable mistakes. I lose patience, lose my temper, lose my way. I say too much about my feelings, or fail to say what matters most. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and stress, knowing that my choices can impact how much I suffer in the process. I've found relief through acting in ways that are healthy for me, and in seeking help from others. In the process, I realize that I am often striving to become when I would serve my mission, and myself, better by simply being. I am a work in progress, and always will be, yet I could benefit from honoring more often who I am now.

For nearly 28 years, I’ve come to our university each day to share in meaningful work, and come home each evening grateful to help provide our family with shelter, wholesome food, and the chance to live in beauty and wonder. My wonderful partner and I have made a loving home for our sons, seen them grow into fine men, and will watch one of them graduate from the university this time next year. At home, my mission to do what is right with love is even more important, and more meaningful. I am such a lucky man, and so very happy to share the love of our family.

Yesterday, we celebrated Mother’s Day, and my heart is still overflowing with love, gratitude, and pride for the amazing woman who has chosen to join me in sharing our lives on this journey. Sue is one of the best, most loving, mothers I’ve ever known. She is a person of outstanding character, intelligence, creativity, courage, and compassion. She is wise and funny, caring and strong. Our sons love her so. With her love, she has made all the difference for me.

She has been a true partner and has stood with me in loving support through the life-changing choices I’ve made, and that we all make again and again. Choices that feel so right, that they almost make themselves. Hard choices that leave us aching, second guessing, and grieving for losses we cannot avoid. Choices that allow us to return to the path when we have lost our way. Choices that affirm that we are on the right path, in the right place, taking the actions that genuinely express our love.

There will be new versions of these choices in retirement. I have already begun the work of finding the choices that will allow me to give my best self by doing what is right, with love. I am very grateful to my Sue, and to my loved ones, friends, and colleagues who have helped me as I prepare for this new adventure. What will the freedoms, and responsibilities, of retirement bring to me? Soon, I will begin to learn the answers. 

I will look for the quiet moments that allow me to enjoy being, and rest from becoming. It is in my closest relationships that I have found, and will find, the deepest meaning and satisfaction in life. I hope I will have many years ahead to share myself with my loved ones in laughter, shared strength and comfort in the face of sorrow, quiet joy, simply living, wonder, and love.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“It's time to go home, and wonder what happened betwixt and between when I went to work in tall buildings” - John Hartford
As I plan to retire, I’ve been enjoying the opportunity to talk with friends and loved ones about retirement. I’ve had time over the past couple months to talk with more of them, and to talk more with dear wife and other loved ones. I am learning some very helpful things from these kind people about what retirement will be like and how I can best prepare for it. I’ve also received some gentle suggestions that I may be over-analyzing this process, and that is very likely true!

One of my friends, a teacher, shared that he’d had about 30 mini-retirements during the summer to help him get used to the change from daily work to managing his own time. Even with this, one of the lessons he had to share with me is to watch out for overbooking my time. While I have this notion that I will have more time in retirement, and I will, I may still find myself amazed that I only have one day in a given week when I am free to get together with a friend. “It all has to do with time”, he said to me, and I know he is right. We both value having the time to do something well and completely, and he tells that’s not always easy, even in retirement.

Many people have told me that I’m likely to have the experience described by the time-honored phrase, “I don’t know how I had time to work!” My wonderful partner has gently warned me that I’ve “probably got about 48 hours planned for each day”, and another good friend has advised me to make a list of things I want and need to do, and to expect that list to change, as my priorities certainly will.

I know that there will be chores to do as we work to keep our home clean and maintained, and the bills paid. Ever since I first heard the “Thomas the Tank Engine” stories when our boys were little, I’ve identified with Thomas’ desire to be “a useful engine.” It’s clear that I’ll still have plenty of chances to do this in retirement! I will need to take time for doctor’s appointments and other routine tasks that will require a drive into the city. I will want to make time to do things my loved ones want or need from me. There will be opportunities and obligations that haven’t occurred to me yet and all of these will take time.

I’ve heard lots of very helpful advice about how I can retire in a way that will help me continue to enjoy the wonderful relationships that I share with my loved ones. I laughed when a friend offered the advice from a sign hanging in his home, “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to do it,” but I also know this is funny because of the grain of truth it contains! Sue is the one who has the most experience with being retired, and the most practical knowledge of how things really work at home. Listening to her will continue to be a good idea! A good friend advised me to make sure that I recognize and understand Sue's wants and needs and those of our sons, and shared that this is even more important once we are retired, as we are each more “fixed in terms of where we are heading”. It will be important to make sure we work out our space and time agreements, and honor those. We’ll each want some alone time and some together time, and we’ll each have things we want to do together and things we want to do apart.

Some of the other good pieces of advice I’ve received include to walk away from my job, turn it over to those who will continue the work, and not reach out to check on how they are doing. I think I’ll be OK with this as I’m ready to turn things over, and I have a lot of confidence in those who will be carrying on. My friend suggested that if they want to reach out to me, that’s fine. I’m comfortable with this idea, and I’ll also be watching to make sure I’m not getting pulled back into the world of work more that I want to.

A friend has advised me to watch out that I don’t worry about my finances to the point that this interferes with what we really want to do. I think this is really good advice for me. We’ve been very careful as we’ve worked with our financial planner, and I do tend to worry about finances. I think we should be able to enjoy our retirement. I’ll be watching out that I don’t worry more than I should, and that we prioritize the things that really matter to us. I’ve had several friends tell me that staying active will help me stay healthy in retirement, and I do plan to stay active physically, mentally, and in my relationships with others. A good friend told me “know yourself and be yourself”. That sounds like good advice!

I want to remember the wisdom of loved ones who’ve shared with me that it’s likely, to the point of certainty, that retirement will require some adjustment from everyone in our family as we get used to this new pattern of life. I think I’ll be better prepared if I expect that there will be times at first when my beloved wife and sons find it challenging to have me retired. I know for certain that they love me, are happy for me, and are glad that I am getting to retire and come home. I’ll do my best not to take it personally when they’re not so sure what to make of having me there! I’ll also take the good advice I’ve received to get out of the house and give the family a break as I enjoy other activities.

As I near retirement, I’m also finding that some of the songs I’ve heard about this transition in life are more meaningful to me. Some of my favorites are “18-Wheels and a Dozen Roses”, written by Paul and Gene Nelson, and recorded by Kathy Mattea, Cyril Tawney’s “Grey Funnel Line”, and “Quartzite”, by Dave Morrison. As a singer and songwriter myself, music is often one of the most meaningful ways I express myself. Maybe my most favorite song about retirement is John Hartford’s “In Tall Buildings.” I’ve loved John’s music ever since I first heard him on the Glen Campbell show many years ago, and I’m glad our family got to attend a taping of the show, and to hear John sing there. I’ll include the lyrics to this song below, with the second verse I wrote and sing when I perform it. I hope John, and his family, wouldn’t mind my adding those words. I think of him every time I sing this song.

I’m so grateful for everyone who gave me their time, and their thoughts, as I sought to learn about, and plan for, my retirement. Their generosity and thoughtfulness will always be part of turning this page for me. I especially appreciate their good wishes for my finding this new chapter of my life satisfying and joyful. In less than three weeks, I’ll be off on this new adventure and I’ll look forward to sharing parts of it will all of them.

In Tall Buildings - John Hartford

(second verse lyrics by Jim Michael)

Someday my baby, when I am a man,

and others have taught me
the best that they can
they'll sell me a suit
they’ll cut off my hair
and send me to work in tall buildings

So it's goodbye to the sunshine
goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings

I’ll go to the office, five days of the week,

I’ll work for my paycheck
‘til I’m an antique
evenings and weekends
I’ll come home to you
home from my work in tall buildings

And it's goodbye to the sunshine

goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings

When I’m retired

My life is my own
I’ve made all the payments
it's time to go home
and wonder what happened
betwixt and between
when I went to work in tall buildings

So it's goodbye to the sunshine
goodbye to the dew
goodbye to the flowers
and goodbye to you
I'm off to the subway
I must not be late
I’m going to work in tall buildings


© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0