“I’m a patchwork quilt of the people inside my heart” - Antsy McClain  

Today, I am retired. I will write one last essay in this series, and call it complete. I imagine I will add some thoughts about retirement here from time to time, and I plan to write about other things. I appreciate everyone who has read and commented on these essays, and the thoughts and feelings that they have expressed. I’m glad to have spent this time sharing my thoughts and feelings about my career, and what has mattered most to me. Today, I will finish this work by expressing appreciation to my loved ones. They have been the most important reason for my work, and they fill my life with love and joy.

The greatest joy in my life, is that I share it with my beloved Sue and our two sons. I can tend to save the best for last. Today, I will start with these most special people in my life. There are no words to express what they mean to me. The closest I can come is to try to describe the amazing, warm, feeling of overflowing love that comes over me often when we are together, and as I think of them when we are apart. Suddenly, I am close to tears of joy, and it as if I am being lifted up by a warm feeling that starts in my chest and spreads throughout my body. I feel so connected to my loved ones, so blessed that we share our lives together, so certain of our love for one another, and so very grateful. I am called to do what is right, with love. Sharing myself with them is the most right, and loving, thing in my life.

Finding Sue changed my life. I would not be the man I am today if not for her. She stood by me through the darkest times I’ve ever known, and helped me emerge from those times as a better person. She brought me home to my family when I had been apart from them. She gave me the precious gift of a family of our own. Thanks to her, I am a father, and a better brother, son, uncle, and friend. With her, I am my best self, and giving myself to her as husband and partner fills my heart with joy. She is an amazing mother, and I treasure the gift of raising our sons with her. To have seen them grow from tiny precious infants, to curious, funny, energetic boys, and now to fine men, has filled my life with joy and meaning.

Our sons are kind and strong. I am so proud of them both, and they bring me such joy. Our older son, CJ, is wonderfully gentle, curious, kind, and persistent. The joy on his face when he is sharing something that he is passionate about, and his uninhibited laughter when he sees something funny light our lives. His commitment to working hard to help out, and his sense of wonder are exceptional. He has taught me more about listening than anyone else I know. Our younger son, John, has a passion for justice, and a wonderful, quirky, sense of humor. He is open-minded and generous, loyal, modest, and highly intelligent. His innate desire to treat others with fairness, and to share the wonder and interest he finds as his curious mind leads him to explore, enrich our lives every day. Working to deserve our sons’ trust and respect makes me a better man.

I am so very grateful for the love and support of my parents, and for the way Sue’s parents, John and Fran, welcomed me into their family. My father helped to teach me the values that are at the center of who I am. To give my best, to trust, and to love. To put my loved ones first. My mother had even more to do with my becoming myself. Her gentle strength, and enduring love, were a constant in my life as I grew to be a man. I learned how to live my values from her, and I’m grateful that people see so much of her in me. She gave me courage to be myself, and her unconditional love calls me to love unconditionally.

Sue’s parents opened their home and hearts to me, and I loved the time we had together. John’s keen intelligence, and wonderful laugh, and Fran’s warm smile, and loving presence, still bring me joy today as I remember them. After my mother died, Dad remarried, and I am grateful for my step-mother, Eunice, and her wonderful family. She’s brought her own special sparkle to our family gatherings, and she’s been so good for Dad. As I think of my parents, I remember my wonderful grandparents and their loving presence in my life. Each brought some special wisdom and kindness, and I learned love and patience from them.

I am very fortunate to have two loving sisters, Nancy and Lynne, who each found great partners, and Sue’s wonderful brother, Steve, and his wife, Debbie, in my life. The love of family brings me such joy, and comfort! When I think of Nancy, I think of the smile that lights her whole face, and crinkles her eyes, how warm, welcoming and understanding she is, and how much she gives to her family and friends. I think of her kindness, creativity, strength, courage, and sense of fun. Her husband Dave is warm, creative, funny, and so caring. I love seeing their joy in their children, and now grandchildren. They made their home the place that all the neighborhood children felt welcome, and this is the place our family most often gathers.

When I think of Lynne, some of the first things that come to mind are her creativity, her sense of humor, and her laughter. She is keenly intelligent, has a wonderful aesthetic sense of style, color and form, and a great talent for, and understanding of, music. I also admire her sense of adventure, her courage and her willingness to work hard to achieve her goals. Her husband Eric is funny, smart, and courageous in his creativity. He sees new possibilities that others might miss. With a life in the arts, they have lived all over the world, and embraced change in ways that I can only imagine.

Sue’s brother, Steve, is so giving, and committed to living his values. He is caring and funny, curious, and creative. He amazes me with what he can do with a camera, with his skill with wood, and every aspect of building and making things beautiful. His wife Debbie is kind, and so dedicated to serving others. They give so much to their community, and I admire the way they make a difference together. I’m so glad they live nearby, and I love our sharing the holidays together.

Our nieces and nephew bring me such joy. I remember them as tiny babies, and marvel at how quickly they have grown into the fun and interesting people they are today. My niece, Heather, and her kind husband, Kellen, have made a home with the lovely family feeling that Nancy and Dave created when Heather was small. Their two wonderful children bring endless love and joy to our family gatherings, and Sue and I are loving being great aunt and uncle to these little ones. Our nephew Andy is a kind and funny man and, his gentle humor and creativity bring me such joy. I’m so glad we share a love for music and get to play together! Eric and Lynne’s daughter Anna is another wonderful light for our family. She is creative and intelligent, and I look forward to what comes next for her as she has just recently graduated in design from a university in Florence, Italy.

I could go on writing much more about family. Ours is such a source of joy and love for me! We look forward to a lovely family wedding in October, and enjoyed a wonderful gathering of cousins earlier this spring. Family and friends make life sweet for me, and I am so fortunate in both. My music friends, Yosemite friends, SHARE friends, university colleagues who have become friends, old friends and new. Oh, what a lucky man I am to have such people in my life!

Some friends make such a difference in our lives that it can be hard to describe how much they mean to us. For me, our dear friends Martin and Cathy hold that special place in my heart. With Sue, they are the family I’ve found and, with the family I was born to, these are the people with whom I am most able to be myself. Sue, Martin, and Cathy are my best friends. It’s amazing to be married to my best friend, and for the two of us to have found these two very special people. We enjoy our time together traveling, relaxing at each other’s homes, and looking back at the memories we’ve made together. Over the years, their families have become like family for us.

Of all the men I’ve met in my life, Martin is the one who I am most comfortable with, closest to, and most enjoy spending time with. He is so easy for me to talk with, and so relaxing to be around.  I admire the fierce commitment to his family that underlies the gentle surface of this fine man. Martin is someone I can trust completely, and a friend with whom I can be entirely myself; knowing that he will accept me with all my faults and foibles, and that spending time with him helps me find my best self. I love Martin’s gentle loyalty, fundamental kindness, and deep love for his family. To see him look at Cathy, their girls, and grandchildren with that love in his eyes is to catch a glimpse of his great, quiet, strength. I’ve never had a brother. I imagine a good relationship with a brother would feel something like my friendship with Martin.

 
When I think of Cathy, I almost always feel more relaxed and at peace. I think of her quiet gentleness and the word serene comes to mind. Then I think of her laughing and remember her delightfully mischievous, fun-loving, side. I love Cathy’s curiosity, creativity, and wonderful eye for beauty. Her ability to work with the beauty of nature in her garden is lovely, and I admire her ability to find and honor solitude. She has helped make the silence comfortable for me, and helped me begin to find new ways to be quiet and enjoy this peaceful experience. I think this may be one of the things that makes a walk in the wilderness even more peaceful when we share it with her. She is deeply intelligent, thoughtful and kind. She is loving, loyal, compassionate, and courageous. Some of my favorite pictures of her are those that capture joy and wonder in her face and, especially, those that show her wonderful love for Martin and their family.

And so, I find myself thinking of Sue again, and I find that I am more feeling than thinking, and that my heart is overflowing with love. I feel happy, safe and incredibly lucky to share my life, and the years ahead, with this wonderful person. I love the sound of her laughter, her kindness and intelligence, and the warmth in her beautiful green eyes. I look back on so many shared adventures and dreams, on good times we've enjoyed, and challenges we've faced together. I look forward to many more years of working together to make our dreams real, standing by each other through whatever comes, and playing together on so many adventures that lie ahead. I am so grateful to have this keenly intelligent, kind, loving, courageous, passionate, creative, fun-loving, loyal, and authentic woman by my side. From Sue I have learned what love really means. What it is like to be loved for who I really am.

I began today’s essay with a quote from Antsy McLain. He’s a wonderful singer/songwriter, and this is from one of my favorite songs of his, “I’m Everyone”. He captures in that song the feeling I hope to express today. I owe how I am who I am, to the people I’ve written about today. To the way they have helped me find myself in relationship with them. It is thanks to their love that I have grown to be the man I am, and have the courage, grace, and love to live as I do. These ones who know me best, sometimes better than I know myself, and choose to love me just as I am, have made such a difference in my life. I have learned precious lessons about love and loving from them all.

As I turn the page and begin this next chapter in my life, I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I stand here both because of my own efforts, and because of all they did to help me learn through the hard times, and to help me grow in joy during the good times. Among the things I look forward to doing in retirement, spending time with my loved ones shines bright. I wonder what I will learn, and how I will grow, in these years ahead, and I know that they will continue to make this journey meaningful, sweet, and filled with love for me. I am looking forward to the years ahead with my dear ones, and to the adventures, out in the world, and within myself, that I hope to experience.

You can find Antsy McClain’s song “I’m Everyone” on YouTube at this link: https://youtu.be/vaAVcmAm7jc

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0