“You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you might find you get what you need” - Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

“Tell Me What You Want (And I’ll Give You What You Need”) - Patrick Simmons

Today I am looking back at our Thanksgiving celebrations with family and friends and feeling very grateful for all the special people in my life and for the time we spend together. These dear ones have helped shape who I am. They, and the memory of dear ones who have passed on, continue to shape who I become as I grow forward in this life. I’ve had an informal list of “people I’d like to be when I grow up” and so many of my loved ones are part of that list. When I live up to their inner beauty as people, I am truly at my best.

When our loved ones in Canada celebrated Thanksgiving in October, I wrote an entire essay reflecting on all I am thankful for, so I will take a different direction today. As I think about Thanksgiving, I am aware of how often our gratitude for what we have leads us to think about what we want and what we need. When we are fortunate, we find that all our most significant needs are met and that we also grateful to have much of what we want in our lives.

Throughout my career in IT, I’ve often found myself thinking about this idea of what we want and what we need as I’ve worked to deliver the technology and services requested by the people we serve. There are always limits to what we can provide whether those are financial, technical, security, or capacity challenges. Very often, the conversations we have about budgets, priorities, and service come back to how we can listen to what is wanted and deliver what is needed.

The practice of systems analysis has always been a favorite part of this work for me and I am looking forward to doing more work of that nature in my new role beginning this week. Ultimately, this is a process of understanding what systems are in place to deliver needed services, and what capabilities and results are desired but not yet available, and creating an appropriate functional description of what is required. I enjoy the process of looking at systems to define and understand their component parts and then proposing functional requirements for needed changes.

Most enjoyable for me is the process of talking with those who use the system to understand what they want and need. These conversations can help us understand, and agree on, what is truly needed, what capabilities would be nice to have, and what features really don’t need to be pursued as a priority at the current time. My preference is to keep these conversations, and the requirements they help to create, at a functional level that focuses on what the desired results would look like and that doesn’t attempt to define how these results should be produced. It is also helpful to understand how soon the results are needed and how much the organization can afford to invest in achieving those results.

Once we have agreed on some initial set of functional requirements, we can approach the specific IT professionals who have the skills and experience to propose solutions and ask them to suggest how we can best meet these requirements. This is the beginning of a facilitated dialog between the users of the system and the IT staff proposing solutions. Through that process, the proposed design can be refined and this is where we really sort out what is truly needed. This is also where we learn how to improve our process for creating functional requirements. For example, when the IT staff say they wish they’d been approached earlier in the process, I know there’s room for improvement!

I see this whole process as an important aspect of customer service. It is a way for the IT team to really understand what the customers want and need. It is also an opportunity to help the customers understand the trade-offs between the time and money they can afford to invest and the capabilities that IT can deliver. IT needs to hear the voice of the customer and to provide useful information that helps inform the decisions customers make about what the want and need. When we are successful, we focus our resources on what really matters and create much greater value.

I’ve found this is as true in our personal lives as it is in the professional realm. When I was young, there were times when I wanted many things and often found myself frustrated trying to find some way to obtain and achieve all these. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned more about the wisdom of Thoreau’s advice that we should simplify our lives and expectations. When I focus on the fewer, truly important, aspects of my life, I can give more energy to these and my experience is much richer and more meaningful.

This is also very true in education as the faculty and advisors who help students pursue their goals and dreams listen to what these young, and not so young, people want to do with their lives and help them get what they need to prepare for each new step on their journeys. Much of our current focus on student success in higher education comes down to how we can more effectively help students choose the right course of study, pursue that coursework in a way that is most likely to result in successful learning, and take appropriate corrective steps when they encounter obstacles. I am particularly interested in how we can provide career counselling throughout this process to help ensure our students are on a path that will help them succeed, and make a difference, in their chosen fields. Even more important to me is that they receive a rich and balanced education that prepares them to live full and rewarding lives.

The two quotes I chose to head this week’s essay both ring true for me. I’ve always found the Doobie Brothers quote the more hopeful of the two and the Rolling Stones’ more pragmatic. I also think they work better together, just as we work better together to pursue our goals. Ultimately, I can’t often keep the promise of Patrick Simmon’s words to “give you what you need” by myself. If you can tell me clearly what you want, and you’re willing to try with me to get what you need, I believe we can get there together.

“When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world - no matter how imperfect - becomes rich and beautiful, it consists solely of opportunities for love.” - Søren Kierkegaard in “Works of Love”

As I started to write today’s essay, I had this feeling I might have already written about the topic I was pursuing earlier in this series. I looked through my earlier writings and, sure enough, I’d already written about my favorite quote that isn’t a quote; the paraphrase from Søren Kierkegaard, “Presume love in the other.” While it seems I can always find something more to say about almost any topic, having written about this already, I began searching for another subject for today’s essay.

As I thought, it occurred to me that the reason that idea from Kierkegaard means so much to me is that it is about the most important thing of all. Love. This gave me the chance to share another favorite quote from Kierkegaard at the beginning of today’s essay and lead me to a topic for today. Remembering what really matters. This always seems simple to me in principle, but I know that in practice it can be a real challenge. There are so many things I need to do, so many people’s opinions, needs, thoughts, and feelings to consider, competing priorities, and my own human weakness and ability to get distracted. In the crush of the moment, it is so easy to be swept up in the urgent and immediate demands that press on me and too easy to skip taking time to put them into perspective.

These challenges exist in my personal life as well as my professional pursuits and I always find that I’m better off when I do take a moment to “come up for air” and take in the broader view. This almost always reduces the feelings of pressure and frustration that come with competing demands and limited time. It also results in my making better decisions about how to spend that time. Of course, the demands of my work impact the time and energy for personal priorities, too and I wonder how this will change in retirement. I am hopeful that I will have more time and energy to devote to what really matters.

All of the “things” that matter most to me aren’t things at all. Having time to spend growing closer to the beloved ones in my life, family and friends, and time to just relax and enjoy each other. The wonder I find in wilderness and looking up at the vast night sky. Opportunities to travel and see more of this beautiful planet we live on and meet its people. Striving for a richer understanding of the universe around us and the world of feelings and ideas. The beauty we create through craft and the visual arts, music, dance, theater, poetry and literature, and the chance to be creative myself. My values and spiritual beliefs.

Caring for how our babies and children grow surrounded by love and safety, yet with chances to explore their worlds and take some risks as they learn what matters most to them and set out into the world. The joy they help us rediscover and the way they make life sweeter. Growing as a person as I age and gain new perspectives. The precious dance of relationship with my dearest ones and especially with Sue who is the special one who has chosen to share her life with me. Love above all.

It’s also helpful for me to remember and reflect on those things that don’t matter so much to me and on the choices I’ve made to honor my priorities. I don’t care very much about money and even less about having power. My decision to choose a career at the university is consistent with what matters to me as it allowed me to trade less money for more time with my loved ones. I’ve made career choices that traded more power, and pressure, for some better chance that I may stay healthy to focus on what matters. Sue and I made a choice many years ago to trade more money for the opportunity for her to leave the classroom, volunteer in her passion for Yosemite and children, and stay home with our boys as they grew into men. We’ve never regretted choosing what mattered most to us.

I’ve written about the way I bring reminders of my personal life into my workspace, and reminding me of what matters most is one of the most wonderful things they do for me. Being able to look up, and around, to see this tangible evidence of what I care about really helps me regain my focus and get back on track. Morning text messages with Sue, lunchtime writing to friends, sharing “likes” and posts with friends and family on Facebook, and visiting on Skype, all help me stay in touch with the ones who help make what is most important truly matter for me. Even missing loved ones who live far away helps keep me in touch with this. I know I’m lucky to have these special people who matter so much to me that I miss them when we are apart.

Sometimes, the things that matter can even seem like distractions. As I write today, I have our less-than-three-month-old puppy in my lap. He was napping until a moment ago, and now he is “helping” me write. His name is River, and his picture is at the top of this essay. I’m not always successful, but I try to remember that some “distractions” are actually moments when what really matters is tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me to give my time any energy where it will do the most to make my life, and the lives of my loved ones, richer. I’ve taken some time out to play with River, he helped me see that was what really mattered, and now I’ll finish this essay!

As I’ve been writing today, I found myself remembering the people who helped me learn to value what really matters. My parents, sisters, mentors and friends. I especially remember the advice of my grandmother, Mimi. She helped spark my lifelong love of books and shared her wisdom me with. When I was struggling, frustrated, and sad about something that had happened in my life, she asked me to think about how much it would matter to me in a year. She was teaching me to think about what really mattered and to put things into perspective. Mimi also assured me that, no matter how hard things might seem at the moment, everything always turns out for the best. I’ve learned that, as long as I looked at what really mattered, and gave things enough time, she was right.

What matters to you will differ from what matters to me. I think the important thing is to know what matters, to expect some of this to evolve throughout your lifetime and some aspects to remain constant, and to find ways to keep what matters in mind as you make choices about your time and priorities. May you find ways to spend your energy where it matters most to you.

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.” - John Steinbeck

Early next month, I will take on a new assignment at the university. I think I’m ready for this change and I appreciate that my new boss has been very interested in my input as we talked through options for my new role. I believe I’ll be able to be useful in this interim capacity and I’m looking forward to a new opportunity to make a difference working with a group of dedicated professionals.

This has me thinking about the sort of bosses I’ve had and the sort of boss I am and I will share some thoughts about that today. I’ve had several very good bosses, some pretty bad ones, and many that were good solid leaders and managers. During my career in IT, I’ve had between 15-20 bosses over 36 years and I’ve watched many others in action or worked with them during my years in management.

While bosses have different styles, strengths and weaknesses, there are some basic functions we are all called on to perform. We are expected to provide vision and direction to accomplish the objectives of the organizations we serve and to participate in planning to identify these. We make decisions about priorities and how to accomplish these through work assignments, budget management, and technology that will help deliver results. We monitor the results and making appropriate adjustments. For me, some of the most satisfying work of being a boss has been coaching, mentoring, and facilitating professional development for our team members. I enjoy recognizing people for their contributions and expressing appreciation for their efforts whether successful or not. I don’t enjoy addressing performance issues with counseling, discipline and other measures, but it is part of the job.

One of the most significant functions a boss provides is communication. Ultimately, I think it is this, and the ability to think through what is communicated, that distinguishes the best bosses from the worst. Good communication is critical if we are to understand the goals of the organizations we serve and to share these with those we lead. It is only through effective communication that we can set direction, make clear assignments, and understand the feedback we get from staff about what it will take to achieve our goals together. It is especially important that we listen effectively so that we can communicate the ideas, and needs, of staff as we report on the progress our teams are making toward our goals.

The best bosses I’ve had have been very good listeners who were genuinely interested in the well being of the people they were leading. These were the men and women who had the greatest impact on my development and the ones I still think of today when I am faced with challenges. They tended to give away the credit for success to contributors on the teams they lead and to take responsibility when the team was struggling to deliver results or made mistakes. I trusted these people and had confidence that they trusted me. They were leaders who inspired me to give my best and to go the extra mile when needed. They built the strongest teams.

The worst bosses I’ve had were either not well suited for leadership positions or arrogant and not good at benefiting from others’ contributions. They tended not to communicate clearly what was expected, or only what they wanted and not why it mattered, and sometimes failed to communicate clear and accurate information about the needs and challenges of the team to our executives. The weaker bad bosses I had didn’t engage well with their teams to develop, and pursue, effective approaches to the work we were called on to complete. The “stronger” bad bosses I’ve had tended to advance their own ideas without considering input from the team and to take credit for the results in ways that didn't strengthen that team.

I’d like to think that most of the people who’ve worked for me would consider me to have been a good boss. I know there are a few who will consider me pretty bad and I hope there are more who would consider me very good. I’m sure I am not the best judge of what kind of boss I’ve been so you should consider this as you read my thoughts about that today. I am usually harder on myself than just about anyone else, and I’m sure I have some blind spots where I simply can’t see what it’s like for others to work with me.

On the bad end of the spectrum, I’d say that I have had to learn not to hold people to the same standards that I apply to myself as these are often too demanding. I think I’ve learned this lesson but it did cause me quite a bit of frustration earlier in my career. While I can expect too much, sometimes, I am also too accepting of less than stellar performance. I am not fond of conflict and can be reluctant to confront staff who need to improve the quality and/or quantity of work they complete or the attitude they bring to the job. I struggle with people who don’t take advantage of opportunities to change when they need to and it can be difficult to find effective strategies to encourage these adjustments. I’m not a very competitive person and I hope that hasn’t been negative for those I lead. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder for them. I also tend to be protective of my team members, and I’ve been told I can be overprotective and put my team's well being before the needs of the organization.

In the middle of the spectrum, I have needed to learn to delegate more effectively and I think I have made progress there. I could be better organized and, while I can play some of the political games well, I generally despise them and will never be a natural winner at those. While I want to help them, I can’t always accomplish the things my staff wish I could. There have been times when I was sure individuals deserved to be better paid, teams needed more capacity, and budgets were not adequate to support the level of service we wanted to deliver, and yet I was not always able to secure the funding, and other support, we needed. I have been successful in dealing with some performance and discipline issues, but I struggle with this aspect of my work and I’m sure I could improve.

At my best as a boss, I listen well and genuinely care about the people who work with me. I support their growth, look for ways for them to use their skill and experience to do what they’d like to do, and help them find opportunities for professional development. I mentor, coach, and help them find satisfying ways to make a difference. I am a bottom-up and not a top-down manager. I see myself working in service of those I lead as we work to support the mission of our university. I prefer to provide our teams with a clear understanding of what is needed and then look to them to define creative and effective solutions. The ideas we explore together are almost always better than those I come up with on my own. While there is always room for improvement, I think I am a good communicator and this helps me be a good boss.

In early December, I will have a new set of teams to lead. For the first time in my career, the scope of my responsibility will be less with this new assignment. I am looking forward to this chance to focus on a smaller part of our department’s mission. I’ll be working more closely with the teams that support our faculty and staff’s end user computing needs and the specialized computing needs of our schools, colleges, and administrative divisions. Friends and colleagues have said this assignment is a good for my personality and management style, and I think their right. I hope I can be a good boss in this new role. I’m looking forward to what comes next!

“It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary to put all the play and learning into childhood, all the work into middle age, and all the regrets into old age.” – Margaret Mead

My thoughts today are inspired by comments on the life of Dick Hitt (1938-2015) published by SHARE last week. (http://www.share.org/p/bl/et/blogid=2&blogaid=411) Dick passed away one month ago yesterday and, though I don’t believe I had the pleasure of meeting him, I owe him a lot. You see, Dick started a tradition at SHARE that brought me, and thousands of others, a lot of fun as we worked for that great organization over the years. Today, I will share some thoughts about the importance of finding ways to include fun times with colleagues along with the serious business of the work we do together.

We come together at work to accomplish the missions of the organizations we serve. Most of our time is spent focused on the priorities and projects we need to address and we each bring our own roles and tasks, skills and experience to this work.  While we come to our work as individuals, most of what we accomplish is done as members of teams. These teams grow stronger as we learn about each other and come to establish relationships of mutual respect and trust. Taking time to relax and have some fun together can be a great way build these relationships and really get to know our colleagues as people.

We can share little daily celebrations, like Friday morning donuts and coffee, pizza parties to celebrate the completion of a project, events to welcome new employees, and to recognize colleagues as they move on to new challenges or retire. Several of the teams I’ve worked with have been great at potlucks and really knew how to have fun with food. We’ve enjoyed informal get togethers over lunch, lunch-time card games in the staff room, and happy hours after work. These don’t have to cost a lot of money, and just a little encouragement, or flexibility, from management can go a long way to encourage this kind of camaraderie.

We can also plan bigger, more structured, events to bring people together including team retreats that include fun elements, work parties, picnics, and award events. My first mentor was especially good at this and I’ll never forget the time he had us all spend an afternoon together at the horse races held at our local county fair. This wasn’t recognition for any particular accomplishment, it was just a way for him to thank everyone for their good work and give us a chance to relax together. Everyone had a great time and there was lots of laughter, some friendly competition as we tried to pick the winners, and the kind of casual visiting that helped us learn more about each other.

He also held several parties at his home and encouraged us to plan a weekend barbecue at one of our local lakes where we could bring our families and enjoy the food, games, fishing, and water skiing. This group enjoyed playing softball together and weekly happy hours where those of us who wanted to could gather to relax after work. This team worked in IT in the financial industry. The work could get pretty intense and include long hours and weekend work. We were fortunate that the corporation provided flexibility to managers, and some financial support, to  encourage opportunities for the team to relax and have some fun. They also held very well-planned annual award events.

At the university, I’ve been fortunate to work with another group that is great at potlucks! Our executives sponsor an annual day for staff training and recognition that includes some fun sessions, too. They sponsor annual holiday parties, and tailgates before several of our home football games. They planned and funded annual picnics for a number of years and I hope we will see that tradition revived now that we are emerging from the financial issues of these past years. The vice presidents I’ve worked for have also been good at including some fun activities in leadership retreats. I particularly remember a hilarious croquet match we had during a break from planning for the upcoming academic year. Being a state-funded organization, the university hasn’t enjoyed as much flexibility to provide support for fun activities as I found in the private sector, but they have worked to find creative ways to support these that respect the constraints we must honor.

Of all the organizations I’ve worked with, SHARE was the very best at including opportunities for fun as we completed our work together. Except for the association management staff we retain, all the SHARE workers are volunteers and I think SHARE really understands the importance of helping to engage, and reward, these folks and to create strong teams who know how to have a good time together. There is a lot of truth in the joke that SHARE folks will work for food!

The organization plans fun receptions, luncheons, and other events for volunteers at their semi-annual conferences and brings the senior leadership team together to combine work and fun at planning meetings held at some great locations like San Diego and Tampa. They also make sure to include fun activities, and some great meals, when the volunteers gather to work on conference planning in Chicago.

My years serving on the SHARE Board of Directors included some wonderful opportunities for fun. Our meetings were associated with some amazing sightseeing together in places like Santa Fe, New Mexico, Banff, Alberta and Gleneden Beach, Oregon. We had opportunities to include our families as we gathered for conferences in places like Washington, D.C. and San Jose, California. I remember great boat tours in Seattle, Washington, Victoria, British Columbia, and Portsmouth, New Hampshire, a scavenger hunt in Quebec City, and so many wonderful meals together filled with laughter and opportunities to learn about each other.

SHARE is also excellent at recognition celebrations and the roasts for our outgoing Presidents are among my favorite memories. My wife and I made some great friends in the process of this work including another couple who we learned we really enjoy traveling with. Even though our years actively working for SHARE are over, they have become two of our dearest friends and I’m so glad we continue our travels together. I look forward to doing more of this in retirement!

Opportunities for fun include traditions that emerge from within our teams. One of the best I had the opportunity to experience brings me back to Dick Hitt. At the SHARE meeting in Atlantic City in 1968, he sat down at a piano in the hotel and began to play. Soon, he was taking requests from others at the meeting. Before long, a sing-along was in progress and some clever folks wrote topical lyrics dealing with the HASP (Houston Automatic Spooling Program) system they’d been working on and paired these with the tunes from old standards. This combination of work and play was such fun that the sing-along soon became a regular feature of SHARE meetings. As the week of working and learning together came to a close, the SHARE folks would gather at the evening reception and raise their voices together in song.

From the first time I attended SHARE, in the mid-80s, I enjoyed joining in at the sing-along and I’m happy to say I went on to write, or co-write, a number of songs for the event. I also had the opportunity to play guitar for several sing-alongs over the years. I have many happy sing-along memories with master of ceremonies Robert Rannie, Model 88 operator (pianist) Anne Caluori, and singers including Charlie Lyman, Steve Ryder, Janet Sun, Brian Peterson, Lynette Pope, Bill Horton, Karla Houser, and all our SHARE friends.

HASP became JES2 and the event became known as the JES2 Sing-Along. SHARE volunteers added many traditional elements to the event over the years including the singing of “Side By Side” by each new Board of Directors, the SmithBucklin staff singing “Climb Every Mountain”, and a chorus line dancing to “Yellow Submarine”, with customized lyrics for all of these popular songs. The picture at the top of today’s essay is of that chorus-line silliness.

I don’t often use the metaphor of family to describe the relationship of work colleagues. I’m not convinced you can make this happen in the workplace, but I do think that sort of closeness is possible between work colleagues when it emerges from genuine friendships, trust, and love for each other. SHARE is the closest thing to family I’ve experienced in the workplace and that is very special. I’m certain that our ability to work and play together was central to what we were able to create together. I think we do well when we look for opportunities to add fun to our work.

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.” - Henry Van Dyke

The past two Mondays, I’ve written about some rather serious topics so I thought I’d lighten it up a bit this week by sharing a few thoughts about some things I do to help myself stay balanced, and focussed on what really matters, in the workplace. I hope you’ll find some ideas here that could work for you and I’d appreciate your sharing other ideas that have helped you in your workplace.

The underlying theme behind any ideas like those I share below is that most of us are healthiest, and best balanced, when we work to live and not when we live to work. Things that help our workplace reflect who we are, and what matters most to us, can help make our workspaces more comfortable and welcoming. They can serve to remind us of the people, ideas, and feelings that give our life its greatest meaning. They can also help us connect with our coworkers by providing some insight into who we are.

For me, what matters most in life is the relationships I have with my loved ones and friends, the beauty, peace, and wonder of the natural world, and the ways we use art to share our feelings and impressions with others. When you look around my office, you’ll see family photos, paintings and photographs on the walls, plants growing, books on topics that interest me, and personal keepsakes that carry special memories.

I know that some businesses and organizations have policies that limit the personal items employees may include in their workspaces. While I understand the motivation for these in ensuring that public spaces shared with our customers represent the organization, and in ensuring that the workplace is comfortable and welcoming for all employees, I think that policies like these need to be written and enforced in a way that allows people appropriate opportunities for self expression.

In my office, the vast majority of items serve both to create a positive work environment and as reminders to me of what matters most. The plants are not only green and beautiful, but some have special personal meaning like the philodendron that has been in my wife’s family for years that my brother-in-law gave me, and the creeping charlie that has been in my family since the 1970s. The paintings and photographs are beautiful in their own right and most are the work of my uncle or brother-in-law, or keepsakes from special trips. In fact, one of my uncle’s paintings depicts our family home when I was in college and includes this very same creeping charlie hanging from the eaves.

My bookshelves include books on, and in, the Irish language, musical scores, the Tao Te Ching, poetry and other personal interests. The “wallpaper” pictures on my computer screen are a rotating series of photos of my loved ones and of special places we have traveled together. There are photos of our sons, and a photo of my wife and I in Yosemite Valley on our wedding day with Bridalveil Fall in the background. You’d be amazed how quickly the other tourists clear a space for a woman in a wedding dress to have her picture taken!

The keepsakes in my office are there to remind me of what matters and they help keep me grounded and acting in accordance with my values. Seven weeks ago, on September 14, I wrote about the Jar of Life story that I first heard from my sister, Nancy, and the jar of golf balls on my desk reminds me of this. The desktop rock garden pictured in the photo with today’s essay includes rocks and shells from many special places we’ve traveled and each holds a special memory for me. I can even remember the moments when loved ones handed me some of these.

We all have difficult times as we pursue our work. Having these reminders around me can be so helpful when I am feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, or simply unmotivated. They provide me tangible evidence that the work I do serves some higher purpose, that I am a man of principles and beliefs, and that I love and am loved. Sometimes I’ll pick up one of those rocks and remember the feeling of first taking its weight into my hand from the warm hand of a loved one and it is just as if they are there ready to take my hand and encourage me. Having the plants to care for can be a wonderful source of peace and relaxation, too. There are also times in every working life when we feel joy, accomplishment, and pride in what we have done. Having these reminders of the greater life I live beyond my work can make those moments sweeter still.

My office is something of a work in progress as I add new mementos from special moments. I hope to incorporate many of these into an office space in my home that I will use in retirement. I even have some ideas I’ve never acted on in my current work space. It’s clear that I enjoy words as a way of sharing and remembering ideas and quotations that capture important feelings and ideas particularly well.

I remember a wonderful space in the Land Pavilion at Epcot where the walls are covered with quotes. In this waiting area for the “Living with the Land” boat ride, there are wonderful quotes everywhere you look. These have changed over the years and this doesn’t surprise me as there are so many great ideas to share. That place inspired me and I’ve often thought I’d enjoy finding some way to include some of my favorite quotes in my office space. Maybe I’ll find a way to do that as I create an office space in our home.I think I’d have to find a way to allow these to change, too, as I have so many favorites!

We are each so much more than what we do for a living and what we do can also be an important part of who we are. I know that surrounding myself with positive images, reminders, and feelings has helped me be my best. I’d be curious to hear from some of you whether this has been the same for you and to know what other ideas you’ve found to include these in your workspaces.

“Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we're going to show." - Mignon McLaughlin

This week, we were very happy to have a surprise visit from our goddaughter who is visiting from Australia after completing field research in Vietnam for her doctorate in primatology. She is so very dear to us and it was a high point of this month to get to spend an evening with her. She was always a very bright and curious child and has grown to be a highly intelligent, curious, and compassionate adult. Every memory I have of her includes our sharing wonderful conversations about a wide range of intellectually and ethically challenging topics. Happily, this most recent visit was no exception.

It was fascinating to hear about her work observing a highly endangered primate species and the challenges and rewards of that experience. Living for a year in a culture where she was treated very much as an unusual outsider, dealing with the heat and humidity of the jungle environment, and learning that there was a name for the pain she developed from long hours peering through binoculars into the treetops where her subjects live were a few of the many topics we discussed. In case you are curious, the researchers call that last condition “monkey neck”.

The topic that inspired my reflections today is impostor syndrome. In the course of her research, our goddaughter came to realize that she suffers from this condition and then learned that it is very common among the other graduate students, and many of the PhD researchers as well. I shared with her that I’ve dealt with this throughout my professional career and we had a really good conversation about what it’s like to experience these feelings and some of the things we do to cope with them.

I first learned of this syndrome many years ago when I was talking with a friend who is one of our faculty. I described my feeling as though I was always faking it and that if people ever realized how often I was figuring things out on the spot, they’d reject me as fraud. She said, “Oh! That’s call impostiture. You’re not alone!” We talked more and and I learned that this is most common among high-achieving people and that my diligence and working hard to prove myself was a common response. Most helpful of all was the realization that I was not the only person dealing with feelings like these. I am still good friends with this, now retired, professor and still grateful for having bumped into her walking across campus that day.

If you find yourself doubting your accomplishments, feeling like a fraud and like you don’t truly deserve the success you’ve achieved, you’re not alone, either. Maya Angelou once said, “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’ ” Impostor Syndrome was first described in the 1970s by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes and is very common. Research in the ‘80s found that 70% of people feel like impostors at one time of another and that 40% of successful people have this feeling that they are frauds. It is not considered a disorder. Rather it is an area of research and used informally to describe people who have difficulty internalizing and accepting their accomplishments despite objective evidence of their success.

My own experience with these feelings is typical based on what I have read. I often feel that I am somehow fooling others into believing that I am more competent than I believe I am, and that my successes are the result of good fortune and fortunate timing rather than my own ability. I am also uncomfortable expressing confidence in my abilities or accepting compliments about my achievements. Instead, I will respond in ways that discount my contributions to avoid being “found out” and rejected.

I feel a great pressure not to fail, and be exposed as incompetent, and I fear success because being successful could call more attention to me and make it more likely that I will be exposed as a phony. These feelings are starkly at odds with my great need to be loved, and for reassurance. The tendency in our culture to equate success with worthiness adds to this conflict. My strong belief that love is the most important connection we share, and that true love is unconditional and not tied to success or any other external factor, has been important to my maintaining my self esteem in the face of these feelings.

If you deal with feelings like those associated with Impostor Syndrome, there are some things you can do to help deal with them. Talk with others you trust to help understand that you are not alone and to get a reality check. Work on becoming aware of when you are having thoughts and feelings that question your intelligence and competence, and on gently examining these. Looking at your abilities and accomplishments more objectively can help you develop a more balanced internal dialog. Look at the messages you give yourself and how you might change these. Instead of telling myself that I am making things up as I go, I work on remembering that I have the ability to draw on my years of experience to identify good solutions.

It can be very helpful to remind yourself that no one is perfect and that expecting perfection isn’t very fair. I find that thinking about how I would treat a dear friend or loved one, and what I would expect of them, and then comparing that to how I am treating myself, helps me avoid treating myself unfairly. I often comment to my friends, loved ones, and colleagues about their strengths and fine qualities. It can be very helpful to take a moment to consciously remember what I do well, too. I am also working on responding to compliments with a simple, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

There are good resources that may help if you deal with Impostor Syndrome like I do. The counselling center at CalTech provides a good overview of Impostor Syndrome and support for students who deal with these feelings. https://counseling.caltech.edu/general/InfoandResources/Impostor I found an article in the November 2013 issue of gradPSYCH magazine from The American Psychological Association helpful. http://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud.aspx I’ve also benefited from working with a therapist to deal with a number of issues including this one. It’s worthwhile considering that you have the option of talking to someone who can help.

It’s also worth noting that if you are concerned about your performance, most likely it is good or better. The research in this area finds that those who question their performance are very likely to underestimate their abilities while those who are highly confident in their abilities often overestimate their performance. Even Albert Einstein struggled with feelings like these at times. A month before his death, he confided in a friend that “the exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”

In this, as in many other challenges in life, I’d encourage you to be gentle with yourself. I will be working to do the same.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” - Helen Keller

Today is Election Day in Canada and as our friends and loved ones there go to the polls, I hope they will succeed in electing a new government that can help restore the many special and admirable things that nation has done and represented in our world. Canada is a wonderful place that can be even more wonderful, and the Canadians I know are great people. I’d also like to say that I admire and appreciate my Canadian friends who have been volunteering their time for candidates who represent their values!

Thinking about elections and the important issues they ask us to consider, I find myself reflecting on a significant social, and political, challenge that especially matters to me. Equality, in general, is central to my own values, and equality for women is particularly important to me. As long as approximately half of the people on our planet do not have an equal opportunity for safety, well being, economic advancement, self-actualization, and respect, we will be preserving injustice,and we will not achieve what we are capable of together.

The data on the continuing under representation of women in positions of power is one evidence of this problem. Whether we are looking at the demographics of our governments, of key organizations like the United Nations, or of those holding positions of power in business, the evidence is clear. Less than 15% of the top five leadership positions at companies in the S&P 500 are held by women, and there are only 24 female CEOs at these firms. Among the Fortune 500, only 5.2% of CEOs are women and only 5.4% for the Fortune 1000.

Less than 22% of the permanent representatives and observers to the United Nations General Assembly are women. Even though last January marked a record number of women in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate, the 84 female representatives make up only 19% of the House and the 20 female senators make up only 20% of the Senate. While there are approximately equal percentages of men and women in the U.S., and women account for about half of the U.S. labor force (47% in November 2014), they are badly underrepresented in positions with the greatest power and influence. It’s also interesting to note that research from 2011 showed that Fortune 500 companies with high representation of women board members significantly outperformed those with no female directors.

As of 2014, women working full time in the U.S. typically earned 79 percent of what men were paid. Women also make up only 36% of those working in computing and less than 25% of other STEM fields. The field I have spent my career working in has a long way to go before we can say women are offered similar opportunities to men. It seems as though equal pay for equal work would be a basic goal and one that we should achieve soon. While the gap here in California is somewhat less, with women earning 84% of what men are paid, there has been little progress toward narrowing this gap during the past ten years. It looks like real action, through salary audits and equity adjustments, and legislation like the Paycheck Fairness Act, will be necessary.

There are so many other ways that inequality, and inequity, based on gender is evident in our societies. Beyond representation in business and government, we must ensure not only equal access to opportunity in education and work, and equal pay, but also equal access to health care and to childcare for families, an equal level of respect, and an equal assurance of freedom from violence. There is so much yet to do.

I find myself thinking about having been raised in what was to a great extent a family of women. While Dad certainly had an important part in my childhood, he was gone working and traveling a great deal of the time and the biggest influences on me as a boy were my mother and my older sister, Nancy. Later, my younger sister, Lynne, would influence my thinking on these issues as I watched her preparing for and seeking opportunities in different places, including Australia and Finland.

I was raised by my mother and sisters to treat girls and women as entirely equal to boys and men. They also taught me to speak truth to power and to work for what I believe in. My mother, pictured above when she was in high school, worked in various aspects of education and was a successful artist later in life. Nancy shared what she was learning at school and raised my awareness about political issues including civil rights. Both Nancy and Lynne have shown me in many ways what it means to be strong and to live your values. My grandmothers influenced me, too. Both were widowed when I was young and remained strong, independent, women all their lives. One help support local elections and the other had a career as a nurse and continued as a volunteer nurse at well-baby clinics well into her retirement. I am proud to be their grandson, brother, and son.

The men in my life have also taught me. I learned about volunteering from my Dad and that had a lot to do with my coming to believe strongly that we can change the world if we are willing to work together. One grandfather died when I was four. I remember him as a tall, gentle, man. I was lucky to spend more time with my other grandfather until I was nearly eleven and he showed me how truly gentle a man could be. Although my grandfathers, father, and I have all benefited in some ways from a society that gave advantages to men, I believe my children and grandchildren will benefit more when we succeed in creating a society that provides equal opportunities to all.

I had some growing up to do as a boy, and young man, and there are a few things I did that I regret and have learned from. While I grew up learning to treat girls and women with respect, the few disrespectful things I did when I was young still trouble me today and this sharpens my commitment to working for equal rights for women. While none of these actions were particularly hurtful they reflected a culture of inequality, and don’t live up to my values. I want to work with my children, and our peers, to help create a world where equality is expected, and for them, and my grandchildren, to never have regrets like mine; having grown up in a world where it is much less likely they would ever consider doing things like those I regret.

My thoughts today have ranged from my values, to some current facts with regard to inequality for women, and my personal experience and how that has influenced my values, views, and actions. We become ourselves in relationship to others and I’m grateful to have been raised by and with the strong women in my family. I am so grateful for my partner, Sue, who is a genuinely wonderful person, and for the women I am honored to call friends today. In their strength, gentleness, intelligence, wisdom, courage, compassion, and love, they challenge me every day to be the best man I can be. This includes continuing to work for greater equality.

There is still so much to do. I want to be proud to be who I am as a man. As long as women are treated as less than, there will be something I am not proud of. As a man of my times, I'm sure I cannot know what this inequality truly feels like, and means, to the women in my life. As an idealist, I'm sure my perspectives could be better informed by pragmatism. I will keep my mind open and hope to keep learning as I share the work of making a more equal world. Each woman's success makes every woman stronger... And every person. I hope that all of us will choose to work for the changes we need to achieve. May we rededicate ourselves to creating a society, and a world, where every person is treated equally, valued, and respected in their own right.