"I pray — for word is out
And prayer comes round again —
That I may seem, though I die old,
A foolish, passionate man."

- W.B. Yeats in "A Prayer For Old Age" from "A Full Moon in March" 1935

My last day before retirement was one year ago this past Saturday.  It’s been a wonderful first year of retirement for me, filled with chances to relax, laugh, work, and learn.  Best of all has been the opportunity to spend more time with my loved ones.  In fact, I’m off on a road trip with my lovely wife and our two fine sons right now, so I wrote these words last week.  We are traveling through California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, and Montana so that we can spend time as a family in Yellowstone to celebrate our younger son John’s graduation from college.  We are so proud of him, and so very grateful that, when we asked him what he wanted most as a gift to recognize this great accomplishment, he said he’d like us to take this road trip together.  He has grown to be a strong and thoughtful man, and I’m curious and excited to see what life has in store for him next.

As we watched John complete the work of his undergraduate years, I began this next adventure in my life.  In some ways, it feels as though I simply happened to graduate a little less than one year before he did.  Each of us in our own way is charting his course into an unknown future.  I’ve learned a lot in the past year, especially about how precious time is, and I have learned the most from those who are closest to me.  I’ve begun to see myself a bit more clearly through John’s eyes, and there have been some surprises.  We are alike in many ways, and a mystery to one another in others, I think.  He can hold me accountable to be my best self with an inescapable honesty, and he sometimes leaves me nearly speechless with flashes of breathtaking kindness.  I know that I will have much to learn from him as we both grow through the years ahead.

I have learned about patience and quiet from our older son, CJ.  He often prefers to be quiet.  When he is excited to share his thoughts and feelings, I am eager to listen to what he has to say, and this is helping me learn more about listening to all of my loved ones with that kind of eagerness.  He deals with a disability with grace and patience, and has been so happy and excited to begin a new job recently.  He helps me remember to be more patient, especially with the hard work of being patient with myself.  He also reminds me to do one of my favorite things by remembering to look for the beauty that surrounds us.  CJ is masterful in his ability to see the tiniest details of nature, and to gently call them to our attention.  The night we came home from John’s graduation, he took me out the front door to look at the moon.  His joy at these moments can draw us in, and sweep us up in wonder.

I have learned so much in all the precious years of friendship and love that I have shared with my beloved Sue.  Lately, she has been teaching me more about courage, strength, and love.  Encountering a challenge recently, she has chosen to overcome it by courageously making changes that reflect her lifelong passion for self-reliance.  She’s often joked that she could be the poster-child for “I can do it myself”, and it has been inspiring to watch they way she’s chosen to take the steps that have helped her grow stronger.  It fills me with joy to watch her strength and courage rewarded with an ever-increasing energy and enjoyment of life.  Her creative fire, and warm love, shine more brightly than ever, and she inspires me every day.

I have learned from dear friends, from family, and from my colleagues. Friends have taught me in this year about being gentle with myself, and more able to accept love as unconditionally as I strive to give it.  They have called me to keep learning in retirement how to balance my thoughtful, introspective, side with my growing ability to relax and have fun.  I have learned from family even more about the simple joy of giving to one another, and from the littlest of our loved ones so much more about love. Oh, how my heart sings when their faces light to see me!

I have learned more from my colleagues, especially in these past few months of returning to work part time, about working together and about embracing change.  Especially sweet has been learning more about the deep satisfaction of watching others with whom I’ve shared this work grow and blossom to carry it on, each in their own special way.  I am grateful for the opportunity the university is giving me to continue contributing, and especially grateful that I get to work with the fine people here who are so dedicated to our students and their success.  Knowing that I will only be doing this for a limited time is helping me appreciate this passage from career to retirement even more, and to learn a lesson my dear friend wished for me when he said he hoped I would enjoy this new role at work, and learn just how much I enjoy being retired full-time!

Most of what I write, think, and feel brings home to me how very fortunate I am to share this wonderful life with my loved ones, and I am grateful.  I share some of what I’m learning, and many of the moments and memories that bring me joy here, on Facebook, and in letters and visits shared with my loved ones.  Of course, as wonderful as my life is, and as grateful as I am for all my blessings, no life is perfect.  A year into retirement, I see Facebook as my highlights reel, and remind myself that many of us share only our brightest, happiest moments there.  Even in my more personal letters and conversations, I tend to emphasize the positive.

Working or retired, many of life’s challenges remain about the same.  I still battle depression at times, and I am conscious of my flaws.  Some of the hardest times are when I fail my loved ones in some way.  Even when I have the very best intentions, sometimes I get things wrong and end up hurting when I meant to help.  I can be pretty hard on myself when this happens, and that isn’t helpful either.  I’m reminded of the half-joking remark I’ve often made that I’d hate to have my epitaph read, “He meant well…”.   I will always seek to improve myself, and there’s plenty of room for improvement.  Getting back on my feet, learning from my mistakes, returning to doing what is right with love even after failing temporarily in that mission, and back to feeling grateful is very helpful.

As I sit and write today, I find myself missing my mother more than I have in a long while.  She taught me so much about being myself, and just now she is teaching me about loneliness.  I am so very blessed by the love and closeness of my beloved partner, our sons, and the family and friends who help to fill our lives with joy.  Still, all of us deal with loss and loneliness in our lives.  With the absence of those who have gone on before us, and our distance from loved ones far away.  I feel my mother near today, helping me to strengthen my faith that those distances in time and space are not so great as I imagine.  Helping me to learn again that we are all one in love.

As I walked under the stars above our home here recently, with just a few wisps of cloud beginning to slide across the sky in front of coming storms, I found myself thinking about the light still shining from stars that have died.  The light from some, in galaxies visible with the naked eye, will still be shining for us millions of years after they are gone, leaving stardust behind to make new stars, and everything else that we know.  The hummingbirds and flowers in our gardens, and each of us, with all our human thoughts and feelings, are made from stardust.  

Even when a star has gone, its light shines on forever out across the universe.  Never slowing.  Never dimming.  I found myself thinking of the love of our loved ones who have gone on, perhaps to shine with the stars.  Just like the starlight, their love goes on shining within and around us forever.  Touching our lives with light, warmth, and wonder, and leaving us with questions unanswered until we join them one day to shine on for the ones that we love. Sometimes, the quiet under the stars makes it easier to hear what is in my heart.

Most of my days in this first year of retirement have been wonderful and fill my heart with music and joy.  Some even seem to me as though they are several lovely days, and I can remember days like this during vacations that made those shining times seem to last even longer.  I remember a day like that recently when just the morning I spent down by the lake with Sue gave me all I could hope for, and we came home laughing and smiling.  Happy for our time together. Then there was the day I spent after lunch working up the hill at our home clearing brush and splitting wood, feeling very content to be doing my chores surrounded by the flowers.

There was the day I spent late that afternoon swimming in the lake with the golden sunlight shining down through the green leaves onto the sparkling surface and into the depths below.  A day when I sat in the cool water out on the point filled with the glory and beauty of nature around me, my heart overflowing with love and gratitude.  That day was so peaceful and left me filled with joy, refreshed and ready to go home to see my family.  Finally, there was the day I enjoyed the comfort of being home with them, relaxing as night fell, the wonder of the vast universe of stars spread out overhead as I walked the dogs, and then lay in bed remembering all those wonderful days I’d lived between one sunrise and another.

This life I am living in retirement is so rich and full.  So filled with light and love, and touched with enough darkness and struggle to make the light shine brighter, and the warmth of love more welcome as it chases away the chill.  I still have much growing to do, and so much to learn.  I hope to have many years of growing and learning ahead.  Most of all, I welcome the opportunity to go on giving and sharing.  To continue loving.

My thanks to Carl Johnsen for the photo at the beginning of today’s essay.

"Those who love deep never grow old. They may die of age, but they die young."
- Arthur Wing Pinero from "The Princess and the Butterfly" 1897

This is the first Monday since I have been retired nine months, and I continue to be very happy about my decision to retire, and grateful that my work at the university has allowed me this opportunity. It is especially lovely to live in our beautiful mountains with my wonderful partner, Sue. In the past week, winter has finally come to the Sierra Nevada, and we’ve enjoyed looking out at the beautiful snow this past weekend. Even shoveling snow is enjoyable for me, and I indulged my playful nature by taking a break from my shoveling the other day to build a snowman. I’m sure it is at least fifty years since I built one of those by myself!

Most of my weeks feature a satisfying mix of useful, productive, work and time for things I simply want to do. There are the routine chores that need to be done, and I’m glad to be able to do my share. I often think of my paraphrase of a Zen koan. Before retirement, chop wood, carry water. After retirement, chop wood, carry water. This is so true, and it makes me smile, especially because, while I don’t carry a lot of water, I do chop and carry a lot of wood for our woodstove! I’ve found that doing physical labor provides some of my best opportunities to think about the big questions, and to not think at all. When I’m splitting firewood, cutting and raking brush, shoveling snow, or doing similar chores, I often experience a peaceful feeling similar to meditation, or find myself thinking about love, eternity, and why we are here.

I enjoy reading, writing, walking in our mountains, and time to visit with friends and loved ones. I’ve taken the advice from my beloveds to get out of the house and stay active, and I am walking with a neighbor who is about my father’s age. He’s an interesting man, and we both get a lot of good from our walks and visits. I take time to work with my hands and find great satisfaction in working with wood, and cooking. The feel of the wood, or dough, in my hands, the scent of fresh-cut cedar, or baking bread. The satisfaction of making something beautiful or nourishing for a loved one, and the joy of thinking of those I’m making things for as I work, is lovely.

As always, I get great joy from music. Taking time to play and sing, by myself, for my friends and loved ones, or to play and sing with others at a local pub, is such great fun, and so relaxing! I continue to learn some good new things. To gain more confidence with instruments I haven’t played as much, and to find new ways of playing the guitar after nearly 50 years. I continue to catch new songs from time to time, and there are many songs I’ve started over the past year that I would like to spend some time with, so they can help me finish what we’ve started together. I'm looking forward to playing a benefit with some friends for one of our local community organizations later this week, and I’ve even started going to some meetings of a local ukulele club. There are endless ways to be part of the music, and it’s such a lovely way to experience all we share.

Beginning in January, I have gone back to work part time and I am enjoying that opportunity. I’d always hoped this would be an option for me, and I am grateful to the university for this chance to keep contributing while I taper off from full-time work, and to earn a few extra dollars in the process. One of my very best friends, who has retired and not returned to work, said to me that he hopes I’ll enjoy being back at work, and that it will help me realize just how much I enjoy being retired full time. I’m pretty certain that’s what will happen. It’s great to see the people here again, and to be useful in their work together. It’s wonderful to have been offered the chance to work at the things I am best at, and most enjoy, while spending little to no time on the parts of the job I never much liked. We’ve agreed that I’ll work for a number of months, and then we’ll decide together if I will continue for a while longer. I know there will come a day when I will happily return to full-time retirement!

The most valuable advice I received as I prepared for retirement continues to be that I should have a plan for my time, as I will be busier than I expected to be. That is certainly true. There are so many projects I’d like to get done, both practical and for sheer enjoyment, so many books I’d like to read, things I’d like to think and write about, songs I’d like to write, and sing. There are so many hours I’d like to spend in the mountains, or at the lake, so many places I’d like to go and see with Sue. A list of adventures we’d like to share with friends. So many hours I’d like to spend with her, and all our loved ones. It’s over nine months since I retired, and I still need to finish getting my home office set up! I’m getting there, one step at a time, but it is a lesson in priorities. I’ve also begun volunteering time with political causes that I support, and it feels good to be doing something that I hope will make a difference in that sphere as well.

I am so grateful that retirement has given me more time for Sue, our loved ones, family, and friends. I have had more time to spend with them, and to do things for them. Most of this time has been a great joy, and some has been spent as we deal, together, with some of the harder things in life. Age and illness touches every family, and I do what I can to offer loving support, especially to our loved ones bearing more of the burden of care, or facing the sad and difficult times that come to us all. I’ve also had some wonderful satisfying times spent talking with younger members of our family about career and future, and I’m touched that they find talking with me helpful. My experience with mentoring, and simply listening, during my career is bringing an added sweetness to being a father, uncle, brother, and friend.

I’m also finding opportunities to grow as a person. Even as an older, retired, man, I still find that I need to work on my self-assurance. Caring for those I love has always been central to who I am, and I’ve always needed to work on loving myself. There are still times when I worry more than I should about whether I am enough. Giving enough. Loving enough. Understanding and caring enough. Quiet enough. I do talk a lot. I’ve often reminded others to be gentle with themselves, and I work to take my own good advice. I need to make more of an effort to have social times with friends, especially now that I have so much more opportunity to stay at home. I’m grateful for the technology that helps me stay close to loved ones across the miles, and I will keep visiting with them this way when we cannot be together. I’m working to make more time to spend with people closer to home. Planning lunch or dinner with friends, nurturing new friendships as the shape of my life changes in retirement. I am looking forward to a visit with friends at SHARE in Sacramento next week, and I’m glad that Sue and I can combine that with some new adventures of our own.

In retirement, I find myself looking forward, and looking back from a new perspective. Looking back, for the most part I am happy with what I see. I am so deeply thankful for the people and experiences that have made my years so rich and meaningful so far. We’ve laughed and cried, and grown together. We’ve seen so many wonderful places and moments. I’ve met with grace when I have failed, and with patience that helped me grow stronger, braver, more humble, and more loving. It is thanks to my loved ones, my beloved partner Sue, our sons, my mother, sisters, all our family, and beloved friends, that I have grown to be the man I am today. I become my best self by living in a relationship of love with them. I have looked with love into their eyes, and found their love for me shining back. It is the greatest blessing.

Looking forward, I am filled with hope, wonder, and the wish that I will be granted many more years to share with my loved ones the two greatest gifts we can be given. The gifts of time, and love. Way we walk together under the stars, through the forest, and by the water. May we hear the laughter of our children and grandchildren. May we feel each other near in the silence of our hearts. Always, even when my years are done, may I find myself gazing into their eyes with love, and find the love we share shining back to me.

© 2018 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“The wisest man just goes on living

Takes the days that he is given

Counts his blessings up to ten

Makes his mark begins again.” - David Francey from his song, “Poorer Then”

I’ve been retired for six months today, and I’m enjoying this new chapter of my life very much. We have just celebrated thanksgiving and I am thankful for everyone who helped me earn the opportunity to enjoy retirement. Most of all I am grateful for my wonderful partner, Sue. Without her, I’m quite certain that I would not be where I am today. With her, retirement is even more wonderful.

I am grateful to the mentors and colleagues who saw more in me than I saw in myself, who helped me learn the lessons I needed to learn, and who worked alongside me all those years. I am especially thankful for the colleagues who became friends, and the friends who became family. These precious loved ones have added so much joy and richness to my life.

I feel a gratitude beyond words to my family and all my loved ones. To our sons who fill my heart with pride every day. To my sisters who have warmed my life with love since we were very small indeed. To their kind and loving husbands, and the families they have made together. Nieces, nephew, and now great-nieces and nephews, too! To all the little ones in my life. You help me remember what matters most. To my brother-in-law and his wife. Ours is a close family and one of my very greatest blessings. To my parents who helped me grow, and welcomed me home when I wandered. Especially to my mother. In so many ways, I am who I am because of her.

Among the things I said thanks for this Thanksgiving, is the ability to keep growing always. That is really coming in handy! Among other things, I am still learning how to find a rhythm in retirement. It remains far busier than I ever imagined. This also reminds me to thank everyone I spoke to as I planned for my retirement. You told me to expect this! I imagined I would have more time for the things I wrote about doing in retirement. I expect I will have time for them in the months and years ahead, but I’m having to adjust my expectations as to how much, and how quickly.

Retired life isn’t perfect, of course. I have had some of the same challenges with depression that I have had most of my life, and it is important for me to focus on all the wonderful things I have to be grateful for and not the few that I find dissatisfying or disappointing. Fortunately, as an optimist, I’m pretty good at that! Most challenging are the ways in which I can be dissatisfied with myself. I am conscious of my regrets, flaws, and failings. I am taking some specific steps to address these. It is helpful to remind myself of all that is good about me, and that I am still a work in progress in retirement. A work that I can improve with honesty and effort.

I have also found that I can need reassurance, and this remains true in retirement. I don’t always ask for the reassurance I need. I tend to be a very positive person and I’m upbeat much of the time. I try to appear that way even when I’m having the tougher moments we all experience. When I was working, I used to believe I could always make things right or better by working harder. I’m sure that was nonsense, but it did seem reassuring. Now, it feels like I don’t really have that option, though I work hard on things at home to help myself feel useful and valuable. Sometimes I ask loved ones for the reassurance I need. I am also working to reassure myself so that I require less reassurance from others. I think of my loved ones and remember the many positive and loving things they have said about me as we share our lives together. I remind myself that I am loved, look honestly at myself, and see that I’m doing many good things in my life.

I believe that what I am experiencing is a normal part of my adjusting to retirement. As I change the way I spend my time, I am also learning to bring a new perspective to understanding that I am making good choices, and making meaningful contributions in the lives of those around me. I also remind myself that it is perfectly appropriate for me to enjoy my retirement! My wife and I have always supported each other in the idea that communication is a good thing. Open, caring, communication is one of the best ways to keep my relationships with my loved ones strong and to let light into my dark places where it can help me see myself more clearly. It is in communicating the deep love I feel, through my actions as well as my words, that I find some of my most genuine and peaceful moments.

As we’ve talked, Sue has reminded me of some of the best advice I received as I prepared for retirement. That there would be many demands on my time, that I would need to have a plan, and priorities, for my time, and that it would be wise to make sure to set time aside for myself. Time to honor my priorities and the things that bring me joy, including my relationships, music, reading, writing, and time outdoors in the natural world. With her encouragement, I’ve set a day aside each week to do as I please. These “me days” help us both make time for what matters.

As I take time for projects, chores, errands, and appointments that are entirely necessary, and often very satisfying, I remember paraphrasing and old Zen saying to read ”Before retirement. Chop wood. Carry water. After retirement. Chop wood. Carry water.” That is certainly true. There is always much to do, and figuring out how to set, and honor, the right priorities has been an important part of what I’ve been learning. We’re making time for many things, and these have included the practical things that need doing, and lots of time for travel, family, friends, and fun, too. I am satisfied and happy to keep learning. With the changing seasons, the rhythms of my life in retirement change as well. I have replaced swimming at the lake with other exercise for the winter. As I prepare for more indoor time, I am also making time to be outdoors and in wilderness, hiking and walking when the weather is fine, and continuing to go with Sue to Yosemite each month.

I feel my awareness of gratitude rising again as I think back on these past six months. I’ve begun to learn what it means for me to be retired. I’ve worked and played alongside my beloved partner. We’ve spent time with family, traveled to find new and beautiful places, and to share time with our loved ones. I’ve had the chance to laugh, and talk, sing, and sit quietly with those I love. To walk, and sit alone with the beauty of nature around me. To think about what matters, and to stop thinking and simply be. I am a very lucky man.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"Yesterday I was clever and tried to change the world. Today I am wise and try to change myself." - Rumi

As of yesterday, I’ve been retired for three months and I thought I’d share a few thoughts about my experience in retirement so far. Some things are about as I’d expected, some of my expectations have been unrealistic, there have been a few surprises, and it’s clear that I am still settling into this new stage of my life. Whatever my normal pattern will be in retirement, it’s pretty clear I haven’t really established that yet. I’m sure that pattern will evolve over the course of the years ahead in any case.

One of the most wonderful things about retirement is how much I am enjoying it, and especially having more time with my loved ones. Being able to drive off into our mountains together, including trips to Yosemite, is great! I found myself sitting with Sue and our two sons on a weekday afternoon just visiting and spending time together, and realized what an amazing gift it is to have this time with each other. None of us has had the restriction of traveling only on weekends this summer, and it has been great to be able to visit family, and take a trip to the coast. It’s been very lovely to get away with Sue for a few short trips to some of our favorite places, and to share some new adventures. We are both loving the freedom to do things spontaneously in retirement, too. To simply wake up and say, “Let’s go!”

Among the expectations I had that have proven unrealistic is that I thought I would have even more time and flexibility than I do. While the freedom I have to choose how I spend my time is amazing, the number of things I’d like, or need, to do with that time is astonishing. I find that I am beginning to realize just how right my retired friends have been when they’ve told me “I don’t know how I ever had time to work!” We are getting a lot done around the house and yard, and it’s great to see so many projects we’ve wanted to work on getting done. I’m also getting time for woodworking, and some more time with music.

I also find that the amount of time I need to spend with the administrative details of life is greater than I imagined. Arranging things that involve others outside our family, such as auto repairs, doctors appointments, financial matters, and similar activities can keep me pretty busy at times! I still don't have my home office settled, and haven't really settled into a pattern for how to spend my days. I'm not worried about that, and I'm sure I’ll find a pattern, and that it will change over time. I am looking forward to seeing how I continue to adapt to this new combination of freedom and different responsibilities. I am also more rested, have more energy, am more relaxed, and I don’t have to try as had to be pleasant. I do sometimes still find myself amazed not to have to go back to work on Mondays!

It seems that time is moving faster in retirement. I’m not quite sure how best to describe this, but it feels as though the end of the day arrives sooner than I expect it to, and that weeks move by more quickly than when I was working. This really isn’t a bad thing, just a difference. Even if the days seem to fly by more quickly, I have more options for what to do with my time, and I don’t have the feeling of having to get everything I want to do done over a weekend or in the evenings. Sometimes, I feel like I'm late getting back from vacation, and that there will be a price to pay in unread email, and work that has piled up during my absence. I find myself looking for the something that is missing, and realize this is me wondering where the things are that I was so frequently stressed about before.

I have been glad to keep in touch with colleagues from work, and have enjoyed the opportunity to have lunch with some of them over these past months. It’s also been great to go back to the university to attend retirement celebrations for some special colleagues, and to wish them well in this next chapter of their lives. I even went back to work for one day to act as a consultant as the team I had been working with did strategic planning for the years ahead. I admit that I don’t miss the day-to-day demands of my job, and that I enjoyed spending time working with these fine people again as they looked at the bigger issues and opportunities. I’ll always feel grateful to have worked with them, and to have been able to finish my career feeling proud and happy of the work we shared together. I still smile each time I think of the great send off they gave me!

One part of a daily pattern that has begin to take shape for me is time for exercise, and time out doors. I had talked about swimming in the lake near our home and my wonderful partner, Sue, gave me a gentle nudge not long after I retired by reminding me I could actually do this now. It has become a special, relaxing, peaceful, and invigorating part of almost every day when we are at home. I think this daily activity, and time with nature, is an important part of how rested and energetic I feel these days. I’m also proud that I swam a mile earlier this month for the first time since I was 15! I love that my new commute is to the lake and back, and I’m looking now at what I will do for a similar daily activity during the colder winter months.

While I haven’t found more time for some of the more reflective aspects of my life, yet, I do find myself spending some of my swimming time in reflection. As always, our times in nature often find me in a reflective mood. Recently, as we were walking and beachcombing along the Northern California coast, I found this quiet and peaceful time helped me reflect on love, prayer, and faith. I know that some believe that we can draw things into our lives by thinking of, or praying for, them. I believe that most of the time, we don’t change the universe around us with our thoughts and prayers so much as we change ourselves, and how we see and relate to all that is around us.

I’ve read about the idea of attracting abundance into our lives. I don’t think we bring more pennies into our lives by thinking of them, but that we remind ourselves to see those that are already there more readily. In a much more meaningful and important way, I find that thinking of, and praying for, my beloveds helps me be more readily and keenly aware of the beauty, wonder, grace, and love they bring into my lives. Attending to their love, kindness, intelligence, warmth, creativity, compassion, and courage I feel my love and appreciation for them grow naturally stronger.

I do find myself praying for blessings for my loved ones, for their wellbeing, and for healing when they are ill or hurting. There, I feel myself entering into the realm of faith. I cannot explain how my thoughts and prayers for them could change their lives directly for the better. I know they help me keep my own actions and choices better aligned with what is best for those I love. Beyond that, I find myself thinking of the common belief that seems to be present in all our spiritual traditions in a love that weaves our universe, and all of us in it, together. Somehow, we are one beyond the limitations of space and time, and I have faith that through our love we always will be.

As I look ahead to my retirement years, I find myself thinking again of the stages of development defined by Erik and Joan Erikson and the choices they use to describe these. I am traveling through the later portion of my adulthood, with its choice between generativity and stagnation. I am approaching my old age with it’s choice between integrity and despair. I hope that I will continue to choose to emphasize what is positive so that I may live my live with the care and wisdom they associate with the healthy choices of generativity and integrity. While it is undeniable that the years take things from us, it has been my experience that they give us far more.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

“I’m a patchwork quilt of the people inside my heart” - Antsy McClain  

Today, I am retired. I will write one last essay in this series, and call it complete. I imagine I will add some thoughts about retirement here from time to time, and I plan to write about other things. I appreciate everyone who has read and commented on these essays, and the thoughts and feelings that they have expressed. I’m glad to have spent this time sharing my thoughts and feelings about my career, and what has mattered most to me. Today, I will finish this work by expressing appreciation to my loved ones. They have been the most important reason for my work, and they fill my life with love and joy.

The greatest joy in my life, is that I share it with my beloved Sue and our two sons. I can tend to save the best for last. Today, I will start with these most special people in my life. There are no words to express what they mean to me. The closest I can come is to try to describe the amazing, warm, feeling of overflowing love that comes over me often when we are together, and as I think of them when we are apart. Suddenly, I am close to tears of joy, and it as if I am being lifted up by a warm feeling that starts in my chest and spreads throughout my body. I feel so connected to my loved ones, so blessed that we share our lives together, so certain of our love for one another, and so very grateful. I am called to do what is right, with love. Sharing myself with them is the most right, and loving, thing in my life.

Finding Sue changed my life. I would not be the man I am today if not for her. She stood by me through the darkest times I’ve ever known, and helped me emerge from those times as a better person. She brought me home to my family when I had been apart from them. She gave me the precious gift of a family of our own. Thanks to her, I am a father, and a better brother, son, uncle, and friend. With her, I am my best self, and giving myself to her as husband and partner fills my heart with joy. She is an amazing mother, and I treasure the gift of raising our sons with her. To have seen them grow from tiny precious infants, to curious, funny, energetic boys, and now to fine men, has filled my life with joy and meaning.

Our sons are kind and strong. I am so proud of them both, and they bring me such joy. Our older son, CJ, is wonderfully gentle, curious, kind, and persistent. The joy on his face when he is sharing something that he is passionate about, and his uninhibited laughter when he sees something funny light our lives. His commitment to working hard to help out, and his sense of wonder are exceptional. He has taught me more about listening than anyone else I know. Our younger son, John, has a passion for justice, and a wonderful, quirky, sense of humor. He is open-minded and generous, loyal, modest, and highly intelligent. His innate desire to treat others with fairness, and to share the wonder and interest he finds as his curious mind leads him to explore, enrich our lives every day. Working to deserve our sons’ trust and respect makes me a better man.

I am so very grateful for the love and support of my parents, and for the way Sue’s parents, John and Fran, welcomed me into their family. My father helped to teach me the values that are at the center of who I am. To give my best, to trust, and to love. To put my loved ones first. My mother had even more to do with my becoming myself. Her gentle strength, and enduring love, were a constant in my life as I grew to be a man. I learned how to live my values from her, and I’m grateful that people see so much of her in me. She gave me courage to be myself, and her unconditional love calls me to love unconditionally.

Sue’s parents opened their home and hearts to me, and I loved the time we had together. John’s keen intelligence, and wonderful laugh, and Fran’s warm smile, and loving presence, still bring me joy today as I remember them. After my mother died, Dad remarried, and I am grateful for my step-mother, Eunice, and her wonderful family. She’s brought her own special sparkle to our family gatherings, and she’s been so good for Dad. As I think of my parents, I remember my wonderful grandparents and their loving presence in my life. Each brought some special wisdom and kindness, and I learned love and patience from them.

I am very fortunate to have two loving sisters, Nancy and Lynne, who each found great partners, and Sue’s wonderful brother, Steve, and his wife, Debbie, in my life. The love of family brings me such joy, and comfort! When I think of Nancy, I think of the smile that lights her whole face, and crinkles her eyes, how warm, welcoming and understanding she is, and how much she gives to her family and friends. I think of her kindness, creativity, strength, courage, and sense of fun. Her husband Dave is warm, creative, funny, and so caring. I love seeing their joy in their children, and now grandchildren. They made their home the place that all the neighborhood children felt welcome, and this is the place our family most often gathers.

When I think of Lynne, some of the first things that come to mind are her creativity, her sense of humor, and her laughter. She is keenly intelligent, has a wonderful aesthetic sense of style, color and form, and a great talent for, and understanding of, music. I also admire her sense of adventure, her courage and her willingness to work hard to achieve her goals. Her husband Eric is funny, smart, and courageous in his creativity. He sees new possibilities that others might miss. With a life in the arts, they have lived all over the world, and embraced change in ways that I can only imagine.

Sue’s brother, Steve, is so giving, and committed to living his values. He is caring and funny, curious, and creative. He amazes me with what he can do with a camera, with his skill with wood, and every aspect of building and making things beautiful. His wife Debbie is kind, and so dedicated to serving others. They give so much to their community, and I admire the way they make a difference together. I’m so glad they live nearby, and I love our sharing the holidays together.

Our nieces and nephew bring me such joy. I remember them as tiny babies, and marvel at how quickly they have grown into the fun and interesting people they are today. My niece, Heather, and her kind husband, Kellen, have made a home with the lovely family feeling that Nancy and Dave created when Heather was small. Their two wonderful children bring endless love and joy to our family gatherings, and Sue and I are loving being great aunt and uncle to these little ones. Our nephew Andy is a kind and funny man and, his gentle humor and creativity bring me such joy. I’m so glad we share a love for music and get to play together! Eric and Lynne’s daughter Anna is another wonderful light for our family. She is creative and intelligent, and I look forward to what comes next for her as she has just recently graduated in design from a university in Florence, Italy.

I could go on writing much more about family. Ours is such a source of joy and love for me! We look forward to a lovely family wedding in October, and enjoyed a wonderful gathering of cousins earlier this spring. Family and friends make life sweet for me, and I am so fortunate in both. My music friends, Yosemite friends, SHARE friends, university colleagues who have become friends, old friends and new. Oh, what a lucky man I am to have such people in my life!

Some friends make such a difference in our lives that it can be hard to describe how much they mean to us. For me, our dear friends Martin and Cathy hold that special place in my heart. With Sue, they are the family I’ve found and, with the family I was born to, these are the people with whom I am most able to be myself. Sue, Martin, and Cathy are my best friends. It’s amazing to be married to my best friend, and for the two of us to have found these two very special people. We enjoy our time together traveling, relaxing at each other’s homes, and looking back at the memories we’ve made together. Over the years, their families have become like family for us.

Of all the men I’ve met in my life, Martin is the one who I am most comfortable with, closest to, and most enjoy spending time with. He is so easy for me to talk with, and so relaxing to be around.  I admire the fierce commitment to his family that underlies the gentle surface of this fine man. Martin is someone I can trust completely, and a friend with whom I can be entirely myself; knowing that he will accept me with all my faults and foibles, and that spending time with him helps me find my best self. I love Martin’s gentle loyalty, fundamental kindness, and deep love for his family. To see him look at Cathy, their girls, and grandchildren with that love in his eyes is to catch a glimpse of his great, quiet, strength. I’ve never had a brother. I imagine a good relationship with a brother would feel something like my friendship with Martin.

 
When I think of Cathy, I almost always feel more relaxed and at peace. I think of her quiet gentleness and the word serene comes to mind. Then I think of her laughing and remember her delightfully mischievous, fun-loving, side. I love Cathy’s curiosity, creativity, and wonderful eye for beauty. Her ability to work with the beauty of nature in her garden is lovely, and I admire her ability to find and honor solitude. She has helped make the silence comfortable for me, and helped me begin to find new ways to be quiet and enjoy this peaceful experience. I think this may be one of the things that makes a walk in the wilderness even more peaceful when we share it with her. She is deeply intelligent, thoughtful and kind. She is loving, loyal, compassionate, and courageous. Some of my favorite pictures of her are those that capture joy and wonder in her face and, especially, those that show her wonderful love for Martin and their family.

And so, I find myself thinking of Sue again, and I find that I am more feeling than thinking, and that my heart is overflowing with love. I feel happy, safe and incredibly lucky to share my life, and the years ahead, with this wonderful person. I love the sound of her laughter, her kindness and intelligence, and the warmth in her beautiful green eyes. I look back on so many shared adventures and dreams, on good times we've enjoyed, and challenges we've faced together. I look forward to many more years of working together to make our dreams real, standing by each other through whatever comes, and playing together on so many adventures that lie ahead. I am so grateful to have this keenly intelligent, kind, loving, courageous, passionate, creative, fun-loving, loyal, and authentic woman by my side. From Sue I have learned what love really means. What it is like to be loved for who I really am.

I began today’s essay with a quote from Antsy McLain. He’s a wonderful singer/songwriter, and this is from one of my favorite songs of his, “I’m Everyone”. He captures in that song the feeling I hope to express today. I owe how I am who I am, to the people I’ve written about today. To the way they have helped me find myself in relationship with them. It is thanks to their love that I have grown to be the man I am, and have the courage, grace, and love to live as I do. These ones who know me best, sometimes better than I know myself, and choose to love me just as I am, have made such a difference in my life. I have learned precious lessons about love and loving from them all.

As I turn the page and begin this next chapter in my life, I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I stand here both because of my own efforts, and because of all they did to help me learn through the hard times, and to help me grow in joy during the good times. Among the things I look forward to doing in retirement, spending time with my loved ones shines bright. I wonder what I will learn, and how I will grow, in these years ahead, and I know that they will continue to make this journey meaningful, sweet, and filled with love for me. I am looking forward to the years ahead with my dear ones, and to the adventures, out in the world, and within myself, that I hope to experience.

You can find Antsy McClain’s song “I’m Everyone” on YouTube at this link: https://youtu.be/vaAVcmAm7jc

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements compared with what we owe to the help of others." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer in "Letters and Papers from Prison"

By this time next week, I will be retired. I plan to write one more essay then to reflect on the loved ones who make my life so very special, and to look forward to the years of retirement ahead. Today, I’m looking back to thank my loved ones, mentors, friends, and colleagues for all they’ve done to help me throughout my career. They’ve helped me grow, professionally and personally. They’ve helped me through the hard times by being there for me with compassion, encouragement, comfort, and advice. They’ve increased my joy and peace in the good times, making them sweeter by sharing them with me.

I am a very fortunate man. I have spent the past 40 years or so working with people of good character who have made these working years more rewarding, and satisfying. With their intelligence and wisdom, they have taught me. Helping me gain the skills and knowledge I needed to program, configure, and maintain the computers I’ve worked with, and to become an effective manager and leader for the people who share this work. With their creativity and skill, they have been my partners in solving the fascinating, and frustrating, problems we’ve faced, and in finding solutions to improve the services we’ve offered.

With their patience, compassion, and courage, they have stood with me as we survived lean times, layoffs, and other crises in the workplace. With their strength and humanity, they have helped me through personal loss and illness. They have encouraged me in my efforts to find a way to do the demanding work I must while learning to manage the stress that threatened my health. With their gentle kindness, they have helped me celebrate milestones in my career, and shared the joy and satisfaction of our accomplishments together.

This past Wednesday, my great colleagues at the university came together to host a very moving, and fun, celebration of my years here, and to wish me well in my retirement. I was touched by the many kind and lovely things they had to say about me, my work, and my influence on them and our shared mission. I’ve always found it difficult to accept praise. Given how much I trust and admire these fine people, I did my best to simply appreciate, and believe, their kind words. As one of my very best friends wrote to me about this special time, I will treasure the memory of that afternoon, and “remember all those true and kind words”. It was all that I could have hoped for, and more. I am deeply grateful and happy. I will miss these people and look forward to seeing them again.

I have grown with the guidance of several wonderful mentors over the years. Their insightful questions, helpful challenges, abiding confidence, and enduring impact on my choices have helped me grow in every aspect of my professional life. Their examples have also served to shape my approach to my personal life and relationships. They have helped me learn to do the work I must while honoring my deep commitment to the loved ones who are my reason for working. I have also had the opportunity to mentor many great colleagues over the years, and I know I have gained at least as much from the time we’ve shared together as they have. As I have helped them learn about themselves, they have taught me so much.

My many years as a volunteer with SHARE (www.share.org) remain one of the best things I’ve done in my professional life. Learning with my friends and colleagues there was so satisfying as we worked together to provide enterprise computing professionals with the best training, networking, and opportunities to influence the industry. Volunteering there gave me valuable experience, and I found lifelong friends in the process. I first learned each skill I was to use as a manager at the university as a volunteer with the SHARE projects, and as a member of their board of directors. We worked so well together, and with such respect and dedication. When the work was over, we played well together, too. Some of our best travel opportunities over these years were thanks to my work at SHARE!

Throughout these years of work, I’ve enjoyed the company of many wonderful friends. They have helped make the good times better, and the hard times easier. We come together in our shared enjoyment of making music, making things from wood and iron, and making beer. We come together in a shared commitment to volunteering at SHARE and Yosemite National Park, and in the work we shared together at the university. We come together in our local community, and across the miles. As the years of working in my profession come to an end, I know the friendships that have helped make these years wonderful will continue into retirement.

I am especially thankful for my family, and all my loved ones. It is with them that I find my greatest joy, satisfaction and love. They are the ones whose love and strength have sustained me in my darkest hours, and the ones with whom I share, and who bring me, my greatest times of happiness and peace. My sisters, brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, nieces, nephew, and their families. The special beloved friends who have become family, and family that have become dear friends to me. As I look forward to retirement, having more time with these dear ones, and my dearest beloveds, is what I hope for most.

Of all my good fortune, the best part of my luck is having found my wonderful Sue, and our raising our two fine sons together. With her, I have become my best self. She has made it safe for me to offer myself at my best, and challenged me in the most wonderful ways to grow and flourish in love. I am so very proud of the fine person that she is. Of her creative fire, deep strength and compassion, fine intelligence, gentle wisdom, and warm strong love. I am so happy with her. I am so proud and grateful for our sons. They are strong, funny, kind, and dedicated to doing what is right. They are good men who are growing in their goodness. I am a very lucky man to be part of this family.

I look forward to sharing love and wonder with my beloved friends and family as we continue to grow together in the years ahead. Walking in the forests and the mountains, and along the shores. Gazing up at the stars, and into the faces of our loved ones. Sharing the joy that is ours as we come together, and the sweet memories we make. May the happy times when our laughter rings together filling the air with music, and the quiet times when the deep comfort of our love brings us contentment and tranquility, fill these years ahead with joy.

I also took a moment this weekend to record a version of John Hartford's wonderful song, "In Tall Buildings". You can find that recording on YouTube at https://youtu.be/b1PUKyhB2c4 I surely am looking forward to retirement and coming home!

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0

"It seems that perfection is attained not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Two weeks from today, I will be celebrating Memorial Day as a retired man. As I look forward to that new adventure, I am also looking back over my years working in IT and thinking about what has made that experience most satisfying and meaningful to me. It’s clear that working with others to make a difference in people’s lives, and having the opportunity to work with my beloved Sue to make a good life for ourselves and our children are essential to why my work has mattered.

Exploring my thoughts and feelings about my career as I’ve written this series of essays has helped my gain a clearer understanding of my life’s mission to do what is right, with love. My awareness of my desire to fulfill this mission touches every aspect of my life, and informs my every action. In my personal life, it calls me to seek ways to engage in my relationships with my loved ones that reflect a growing understanding of them, of myself, and of our needs, hopes, dreams, and sources of joy and wonder. I seek to grow ever closer to these special people. To respect and honor the precious gift of love that we share.

I’ve looked for ways to make a difference in the lives of the people in our community, and I’ve been so fortunate to share a meaningful mission with my colleagues at work as our university gives us the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our students and their families. Along the way, we’ve made a difference in each others' lives as well, and I feel so fortunate to have shared this work with such wonderful people.

This past Thursday, I had the lovely experience of seeing my first graduating student of this season prepared for her celebration of this special accomplishment. As I left another meeting, she was standing in front of our library in her cap and gown with bright red and blue helium balloons waiting for her family. Her face was filled with joy and pride, and it warmed my heart to see her. I stopped to tell her how much I enjoy this part of our academic year, when our students faces change from showing the effort and anxiety of final exams, to reflecting the relief and excitement of the end of the academic year. I congratulated her, and thanked her for being the reason we do what we do here. She seemed surprised and pleased. I know that seeing her was the best part of my day on campus!

I’ve talked with many colleagues here who share my feeling that the greatest attraction of our work is our shared opportunity to make a difference. While we are grateful for the living we make, and the life it allows us to provide for ourselves and our families, no one works at a public university because they are motivated primarily by money. We come here, and stay here, because we know the work we do matters. We provide the support our students and faculty need to use technology together to enhance their experience of teaching and learning. We are part of a process that allows people to work to change their lives, and our world, for the better. It is deeply satisfying to be part of something so meaningful.

It is in relationship with others, and especially with by loved ones, that I continue to become myself. It is through working to act in the most loving way on my feelings toward others that I have found my mission to do what is right, with love. As I grow closer to my loved ones, while honoring each person’s individual character, and respecting their need for personal time, space and privacy, I have learned to consider how my actions either support, or undermine, my intentions. I work to apply these lessons more broadly in my life.

I believe that there are no wrong thoughts or feelings, so it is not what I think and feel, but my choices as I act on these make all the difference. I am constantly working to grow and learn from my inevitable mistakes. I lose patience, lose my temper, lose my way. I say too much about my feelings, or fail to say what matters most. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and stress, knowing that my choices can impact how much I suffer in the process. I've found relief through acting in ways that are healthy for me, and in seeking help from others. In the process, I realize that I am often striving to become when I would serve my mission, and myself, better by simply being. I am a work in progress, and always will be, yet I could benefit from honoring more often who I am now.

For nearly 28 years, I’ve come to our university each day to share in meaningful work, and come home each evening grateful to help provide our family with shelter, wholesome food, and the chance to live in beauty and wonder. My wonderful partner and I have made a loving home for our sons, seen them grow into fine men, and will watch one of them graduate from the university this time next year. At home, my mission to do what is right with love is even more important, and more meaningful. I am such a lucky man, and so very happy to share the love of our family.

Yesterday, we celebrated Mother’s Day, and my heart is still overflowing with love, gratitude, and pride for the amazing woman who has chosen to join me in sharing our lives on this journey. Sue is one of the best, most loving, mothers I’ve ever known. She is a person of outstanding character, intelligence, creativity, courage, and compassion. She is wise and funny, caring and strong. Our sons love her so. With her love, she has made all the difference for me.

She has been a true partner and has stood with me in loving support through the life-changing choices I’ve made, and that we all make again and again. Choices that feel so right, that they almost make themselves. Hard choices that leave us aching, second guessing, and grieving for losses we cannot avoid. Choices that allow us to return to the path when we have lost our way. Choices that affirm that we are on the right path, in the right place, taking the actions that genuinely express our love.

There will be new versions of these choices in retirement. I have already begun the work of finding the choices that will allow me to give my best self by doing what is right, with love. I am very grateful to my Sue, and to my loved ones, friends, and colleagues who have helped me as I prepare for this new adventure. What will the freedoms, and responsibilities, of retirement bring to me? Soon, I will begin to learn the answers. 

I will look for the quiet moments that allow me to enjoy being, and rest from becoming. It is in my closest relationships that I have found, and will find, the deepest meaning and satisfaction in life. I hope I will have many years ahead to share myself with my loved ones in laughter, shared strength and comfort in the face of sorrow, quiet joy, simply living, wonder, and love.

© 2017 James Michael. The text of this work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0