"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear not absence of fear, except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say that it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea: incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.” – Mark Twain

Today, I am enjoying wandering the Southwest with my beloved Sue and relaxing surrounded by nature, wilderness, and the history and culture of this place. While we are away I'm sharing some thoughts from late last week about something I seldom talk about with my colleagues at work.

As I approach retirement, I am aware that I have mixed feelings. I am eagerly looking forward to this next chapter in my life. There are times when I feel impatient to see these remaining months pass. As excited as I am to begin, I'm also uncertain about the unknown. I think retirement will be great, but don't really know what to expect.

One of the feelings I am often aware of is fear of failing before I cross the finish line. It’s been a long run and I’ve made it this far, though there have been some uphill stretches, obstacles to overcome, and bumps in the road. I’m pretty confident that I’ll manage to run through the tape at the finish line proud of what I’ve accomplished. Still there’s this nagging doubt.

There are several aspects to the fear I feel as there is more one way to fail. I fear having a physical or medical issue before I reach retirement. Finding the emotionally challenges of an often stressful job too difficult. Letting something slip mentally or failing to deliver the results expected of me professionally as a leader and manager.

The biggest source of my uneasiness is stress. There was a period almost three years ago when a stress-related illness took me out of the race for months and prevented me from being back up to speed for almost a year. This experience taught me a lesson and I hope I’ve learned it well. My job remains stressful and I’ve made changes to help myself stay healthy. Still, I admit I’ll be happy to move on to less stressful pursuits!

Stress and the other challenges of the work I do are my main concerns with relation to the fear of failing emotionally or mentally, too. When there are many competing demands for my time, and I am juggling priorities, the risk of forgetting, making a poor decision, or responding to the emotional pressures in a less than helpful way is greatest. We all make little mistakes. I just don't want to make any big ones. 

I find meditation, mindful moments, and my version of prayer helpful in managing this risk. This is also where other techniques I've written about are most helpful. I remember to take time to write to friends, or a moment to use a picture or one of the rocks in my “desktop rock garden” to remind me of a happy and peaceful time.

In this last year of my career working full time in IT, I’ve also taken on new challenges and I am trying to deliver meaningful results as I work with colleagues to improve the services we deliver to our campus community. During my years as a manager, I’ve learned most of what I know about this work by the seat of my pants, or from my time volunteering at SHARE. I’ve managed to keep at least one step ahead of the Peter Principle so far and I’m doing my best to keep it that way. I hope to keep making meaningful contributions to the work we do together and not to fall short before I complete my time.

The time away that we are enjoying right now is bound to help with all these concerns of mine. Ultimately, I work to afford time with my loved ones and to allow us to enjoy the life we share. I know that keeping my priorities in order and giving my energy to what matters most will help me find the best balance in my life.

I can almost see that finish line highlighted in a beam of sunlight up ahead. Sometimes it feels like I’m running downhill with a fresh breeze in my face. Sometimes it feels like there are still some hills to climb. I come closer to my goal with each passing day and I look forward to smiling with my loved ones when the race is over. I imagine I’ll get some rest, have some fun, and look for new ways to make a difference.