“Everything always turns out for the best.” - Garnet Michael, my grandmother

This week, my thoughts are inspired by a question a colleague asked me recently about how I manage the stress of, and especially my emotional response to, challenges at work. I often find myself talking with younger colleagues about issues like this as they come by to visit with me about challenges in our work. I enjoy this time with them and I’m glad they can feel comfortable confiding in me.

As I visited with my colleague, he was looking for advice or insights about how to cope with the stresses that were coming along with his increasing responsibilities as a manager. In particular, he wondered about what to do with the feelings that accompany these stresses. He knew from our earlier conversations that I am a highly emotional person who has learned how to deal effectively, most of the time, with these feelings. I’m sure there are many more good ways to cope with these. Here’s what I suggested to him.

First, I shared some good advice I received from my grandmother many years ago. I’d be surprised if many of you haven’t received similar advice from parents, friends, or relations. Mimi told me that everything always turns out for the best. It can take some time to see how this will be and she also shared a question to ask myself when I’m having trouble dealing with a current crisis that feels so urgent and, sometimes, overwhelming. She suggested I ask myself, “How important will this seem a year from now?” Even though it has sometimes been a real struggle to benefit from her wisdom, this advice has helped keep me going when times are tough.

For me, the point of this advice is to help me put the worries and stresses of the moment into perspective with what really matters. To let time take time, do my best, and trust that choosing the best next step I can, one by one, will help me find my way to where I need to be. It is also important to remember that things turning out for the best isn’t the same as having them turn out the way I wanted them to. What I think I want isn’t always what’s best; for me, or for those I serve.

Then I shared with my colleague that one of the first steps we need to take, and one he is clearly already taking much of the time, is awareness. We need to be aware, first, that we are feeling, and then gain insight into what we are feeling and why. The first part of this can be as simple as paying attention to the physical signs that we are responding with some strong emotions to a situation and recognizing that we need to pause and honor these. Having become aware that we are responding with strong emotions, it can be helpful to name them. Am I feeling angry, frightened, frustrated, powerless, sad? Am I feeling joyful, confident, proud, happy, satisfied?

Sometimes, we need to dig deeper once we find the first words that help us name our emotions. Perhaps my first insight is that I am feeling overwhelmed. If I look deeper, I may find that I feel frustrated or unsure of myself. If I am angry, I may find fear beneath the surface of my anger. Fear of failure or of the unknown. This can be a first step to understanding why we are feeling what we are and we can think more deeply about what it is that is triggering this response.

Once we have a sense of what we are feeling, and why, we can move on to making choices about our actions. We always have the opportunity to act. Even in situations where we have no power to change the circumstances, we can choose how we will view the situation, and how we will respond as we express our thoughts and feelings to others. Where we do have power to change, or influence, the outcomes, we can consider how we can best move things toward the right outcome, and we can collaborate with our colleagues. As we go through this process, I also believe it is helpful to remember that there are no “wrong” feelings even if there can be wrong choices or actions.

Finally, I encouraged my colleague to remember that part of dealing with our emotional responses to stressful situations is acceptance. We may need to accept that something makes us uncomfortable, afraid, disappointed, or frustrated at the same time that we recognize it is the best option for action that we currently have. We may need to accept current limitations even as we strive to overcome them. At times like these, I find it helpful to remember the well-known prayer written by Reinhold Neibuhr:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes, you have to realize that what is best is to let things be, and it can be hard to be patient and to accept this.

Recognizing that you are responding emotionally and giving yourself a moment to accept this can help you make an asset of your emotional response. That gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, or is quite wrong, can warn us that we need to take a closer look at what is going on, seek the source of our discomfort, and find steps we can take to move things in a better direction. Similarly, the feeling that something is going very well, that people are satisfied, excited, or hopeful about what is happening can be an important clue that we are on the right track. Gaining the insights offered by our emotions can give us a powerful head start as we seek to apply our intellect.

It is important to take care of ourselves physically, and emotionally when we find our work stressful. Getting enough rest, exercise, healthy food, and, especially, time away from stress with loved ones, in nature, and in other activities that help us relax, disconnect, and recharge is essential. When we are strong, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, we bring our best as we face stressful situations.

I also shared another piece of advice that has served me well over the years. A trusted friend helped me learn not to “stare at” the things that upset me. Recognizing that we are upset by something, understanding our emotions and what is triggering them may still leave us feeling very strongly upset. Once we’ve done the work to gain awareness and understanding of our feelings, focussing on how upset we are is seldom useful. I’ve learned that it’s ok to “glance” at my upset feelings at these times, but continuing to “stare at” and stew about just them isn’t helpful.

Not everyone will experience the challenge of managing their emotional response to stress as strongly as I do. It seems I am just “wired” this way. If you are “wired” like I am, I hope these thoughts will prove helpful. Even if you aren’t there’s probably something here for you. I also hope that retirement will not be as stressful as my work has been. Still, I’m sure I will find the skill I’ve developed in recognizing, honoring, and accepting my emotions, and in using them to help me choose what is right, useful all through my life.